


Maybe Baby (New Year’s Day)

by WhyDoIWrite



Series: Only In The Darkness Can You See The Stars [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Cheating, Christmas, F/F, Falling In Love, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, Injury, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Marriage Proposal, Miscarriage, New Year's Kiss, New Year’s Eve, Pregnancy, Retirement, Same-Sex Marriage, Slow Build, Soulmates, Supportive Mother-In-Law, Wedding Bells, rekindling the romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:20:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 43,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21894304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyDoIWrite/pseuds/WhyDoIWrite
Summary: Kelley and Emily through the years.1 or more chapters per day between now and New Year’s Day, because that’s when this ends (on a New Year’s Day in the future).Going with a Sugarland theme for this one.Go listen to Maybe Baby (New Year’s Day) by Sugarland.  It’s all gonna be ok.  Even if it’s not for a long time.
Relationships: Kelley O'Hara/Emily Sonnett, SO’Hara, Sohara - Relationship
Series: Only In The Darkness Can You See The Stars [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1602694
Comments: 105
Kudos: 219





	1. It Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley decides she needs a fuck buddy, or more appropriately, a friend with benefits, because Sonnett probably would NOT appreciate the term fuck buddy.

_Ain’t no rhyme or reason,_

_No complicated meaning,_

_Ain’t no need to overthink it,_

_Let go laughing._

_Life don’t go quite like you planned it,_

_We try so hard to understand it,_

_The irrefutable, indisputable fact is..._

_Shhh... it happens._

**December, 2019**

Kelley’s single. She has been for awhile now, which she finds exceptionally annoying. Because she’s _hot_ (hello ESPN Body cover!). And she’s _smart_ (‘sup Stanford). And she’s _funny_ (she can make the _Queen of Funny_ herself, Emily Sonnett, crack up after all). And she’s _fucking loyal_. She always has been. Yet every one of her relationships has ended with the same fight: “You travel too much. You’re away for too long. I can’t do this anymore,” and Kelley trying to argue that she’s doing the absolute best she can with the time she has, and getting angry because angry is better than hurt. Or at least easier.

  
And that might be what Kelley finds the most annoying, because what is she supposed to do? She’s a professional soccer player. The women she’s dated knew this going in; it’s not her fault. She has sponsorships and photoshoots, a company she’s trying to get off the ground, and so many goddamn appointments with specialists because her ankle seems permanently fucked up. All of that is in addition to training, games in different cities for club, and tournaments around the world for country. Oh and her family? Her family’s in another state on the opposite side of the US and she basically puts them last. _So really_? What is she supposed to do when she’s pulled a million different ways all the time. She’s always given her relationships everything she has, but everything she has is never enough for anyone it seems. And she’s done with it all, or at least she would be...

If she didn’t have needs. Not emotional ones. She’s seriously done with that. But physical ones.

  
And therein lies the problem. She refuses to put her face out there on Tinder or Bumble, and as much as she’d like to think she’s not (because she likes to act the same age as Sonnett and Rose and Mal), at this point in her life, she’s above meeting some random woman in a bar and taking her home. All of her friends are straight. All of her gay teammates are taken.  
  
Except for Sonnett.  
  
Except. For. Sonnett.  
  
What the hell is she thinking? Emily Sonnett is her friend. Best friend, if she’s being honest, but she can never say that out loud because Alex will turn into a raging lunatic, moreso now with the pregnancy hormones, probably.  
  
But the truth is, she likes being around Sonnett more than she likes being around anyone else. That includes Alex. And the truth is also that she needs to get that thought out of her head.  
  
But now that it’s in there, she’s having trouble getting it out. Because it’s the offseason, and Sonnett is home in Georgia and they are training together several times a week. And now that it’s closer to Christmas, Mal is back in Denver, so it’s just the two of them. That gives her more time to think about this as a real possibility. And it seems like it could actually work.

Just for awhile.

Just to get her needs met.   
  
Except that Emily would never go for a friends with benefits type of situation. _Ever_.

Probably.

Most likely.

At least Kelley doesn’t _think_ she would.

  
Because Emily is good and pure and soft. And as much as she would like everyone to _think_ she is a player, she is _so_ not a player. Kelley’s gotten to know her well over the past couple of years and she knows that Emily has never slept with anyone she’s not in love with. _Ever_.

There are no one night stands hiding in her closet. No drunken mistakes. No flings on a road trip.

She’s honorable. And traditional. And she feels deeply, so Kelley will never hurt her. Ever.  
  
But...  
  
But this also means that Emily hasn’t had sex in literally a couple of years. Since she realized she was in love with Lindsey. Even though Lindsey is straight. And even though Lindsey loves her - to death - but will never be _in love_ with her.

Emily keeps telling Kelley that she’ll get over it, that she’ll move on...one day. But one day never comes, or at least it hasn’t yet. She’s still uselessly pining away over Horan.

Maybe she just needs a push in the right direction. Or a _pull_ rather. Towards Kelley. Emily has to have needs too, right? Kelley would only be doing her a favor... until she is able to get over Lindsey and move on. Maybe this would actually _help_ Sonnett move on...  
  
She just needs to figure out how to broach the subject first...


	2. Playing With Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well she just came right out and said it, didn’t she? And, well, Emily didn’t say no...

_Well, I’m tired of being perfect,_

_And I’m bored of being good._

_And I’ve done my time, and had my fill_

_Of acting like I should._

_I wanna flirt with my own fear,_

_Wanna dance with my desire,_

_Playing with fire._

Kelley knows she can get Emily into bed if she really wants to. She knows this deep down, because she _knew_ that Emily had a crush on her when they first met at a National Team camp. She saw it in Emily eyes and the flushing of her cheeks, and in how she would stammer when she’d try to talk to Kelley, or wring her hands when they were seated near each other.

Kelley got a kick out of it back then. She egged it on, purposely putting her arm around Sonnett, making Mal trade seats with her on the plane so she could sit next to her favorite rookie, harassing her about her food, fashion, and music choices. Frankly though, Kelley was flattered. _Who wouldn’t be?_ Everyone likes attention. It was cute. Kelley might have had a crush too, if she’s being honest with herself, but she never let anything come of it, never told anyone. Not even Alex.  


And then Emily fell for Lindsey - hard - and that was the end of Emily’s Kelley crush. Which was good, because it allowed Sonnett to calm the hell down around her so they could be friends. And it was good because at the time, Kelley was _not_ single and she was _not_ about to cheat. Or hook up with a rookie. Or end a relationship to see where things would go with one very immature, but very sweet, Emily Sonnett. 

But Kelley also knows that a little piece of that crush still has to be there. 

Probably.

Most likely.

It’s in the way that Emily is _still_ deferential to her, even though they’re _way_ past the point of her needing to be. It’s in the way that she cringe-smiles when Kelley touches her, as if she wants people to _think_ she doesn’t want Kelley touching her, but she really _does_ want Kelley touching her. It’s her defense mechanism and Kelley knows this. So Kelley is convinced that Emily’s crush on her is still there, deep down, hiding under everything she feels for Lindsey. And it wouldn’t take much to bring it out.

An invite to her condo.A drink or two - Kelley makes an impressive caipirinha. And then there would be so many ways to get Emily into her bed, it would almost be too easy. She could say she’s lonely because it’s Christmas and beg Emily to stay for just one night - just to cuddle.Or she could put on a movie and when it’s over, tell Emily it’s too late for her to drive her home, so far, in the dark, in deer country.She could ask for a massage, because Emily would give her one if she asked. And regardless of the scenario, Kelley could lean in and kiss Emily and, well, she just can’t picture Emily pulling away from it.

But she doesn’t want Emily like that, doesn’t want to manipulate her into staying, into making out and getting naked.Because above all else, she will not hurt Emily. So this has to be a well-thought out and discussed plan that they are both on board with. Otherwise, Kelley won’t let it happen. 

* * *

She hasn’t seen Sonnett in a couple of days, but they’ve got a TOCA session tomorrow morning. They usually meet there, but...

Kelley texts her. And right away, Emily’s responding.

**Miss Kelley** :If I pick you up for training tomorrow, will you come Christmas shopping with me?

**Sonnett** : you’re not done yet?That’s so unlike you.

**Miss Kelley** :shut it.I’ve been busy.

**Sonnett** :I just don’t see how there’s anything in this for me. The place is right down the street from my parents’ house, it’s not like it’s a hassle to drive there. But you dragging me around downtown Marietta for hours?With crowds? BIIIGGG hassle.

**Miss Kelley** :c’mon, Sonny. Please. I don’t want to go alone. I’ll buy you a present.

**Sonnett** : but I didn’t get you anything.

**Miss Kelley** : you can get me something while we’re out tomorrow. 

**Sonnett** : I don’t really think that’s how it’s supposed to work.

But fine. I’ll come. 

Emily can be so difficult. But it makes Kelley smile. 

* * *

  
They have a great session. Well, Kelley has an ok session, but Emily has a great session. She’s gotten so much better, and her confidence is growing. And while there’s still something missing, something not quite right, like she’s still not playing quite up to her potential, Kelley is excited for her to bring this level of play to camp in a couple of weeks. Which is weird. Because if she’s being honest, she _shouldn’t_ be excited about Sonnett climbing the ranks while she’s falling farther and farther behind with this fucking ankle problem. Not when it could be Emily taking Kelley’s spot at right back.  


Except, Kelley thinks about it, like really, really thinks about it as she’s taking a break, watching Emily work on clearing headers. And yep, she’s oddly at peace with the thought. _Where the fuck has her competitive fire gone_?Emily sees Kelley staring at her after a round, and Kelley knows it makes her nervous. She tucks her hands inside her sleeves as she goes again. It’s what she does when she’s feeling anxious because it makes her feel safer somehow. And Kelley thinks it might be the cutest thing she’s ever seen.But cute isn’t what she’s here for. She’s here for sex. And it’s time to bring that discussion to the table.

* * *

  
They head into downtown Marietta, walking through the hustle and bustle of the Christmas shoppers, past little shops with their doors propped open, inviting everyone inside, past the smells of cinnamon and pine and peppermint wafting out of every store, and past the sounds of Christmas music in the background. Emily has her hands jammed into her pockets and Kelley tucks her arm into Emily’s, and it works perfectly. So perfectly that she rests her head on Emily’s shoulder like they’re just out for a casual stroll. And Emily lets her and doesn’t complain - a welcome surprise. 

Kelley’s pulls Emily into a used bookstore and begins moving up and down the aisles, her fingers trailing along the spines of the books as she looks through them intently. She’s humming to herself, and Emily’s following her dutifully, hand still jammed into her pockets. 

“I need to talk to you, Sonny,” she says quietly, still passing through the rows of books. 

  
“Ok....” Emily sounds confused, like she’s wondering why Kelley doesn’t just _talk_. “Wanna get coffee after this?”

  
Kelley shakes her head. “Too public.”

  
Emily narrows her eyes at Kelley, even more  confused now. She thinks about it for a minute. “Wanna take me to my apartment instead of my parents’ house?” Emily suggests.Because at least it’s on the way home for Kelley.And she can just get her sister to pick her up and take her back to Marietta tomorrow. She’s been spending time there instead of Atlanta because it’s almost Christmas. 

“I can. If you want. Or you can come back to my condo with me?”It’s a strange request. Kelley is fully aware of this, but she doesn’t really know what else to do. 

“And then what?” Emily asks.Kelley raises her eyebrows, missing what Emily is getting at.“Are you going to bring me back here, or just to my apartment?”

“Whatever you want,” Kelley mumbles, suddenly second guessing herself, embarrassed. She turns back to the books, lest Emily see the blush rising from her neck into her cheeks.

Kelley stops at a very old looking book and pulls it off the shelf. It’s a first edition of Jefferson Davis’ A Short History of the Confederate States of America.It looks old and it smells old and she shows Emily the publication date - 1890.Emily raises her eyebrows and crinkles her nose at it, but Kelley knows it’s perfect for her dad, the history buff.

“Now for you,” Kelley says cheerfully. “I know exactly where I’m going.”

“So do I,” Emily shoots back. 

And just like that, they step back out onto the sidewalk and go their separate ways. Kelley watches Emily jog across the street and duck into an antique store before she turns and head back to some hippie-looking place they passed earlier.

* * *

Kelley is quiet on the long drive back to her condo in Atlanta. She knows Emily’s expecting her to talk, she keeps looking at Kelley like she wants to say something, to prompt her, because it is, after all, quiet and private in Kelley’s car. But the car isn’t the place for this. 

They get inside and Kelley is instantly anxious, but she can’t tell if the rumbling in her stomach is hunger or nerves.She offers Emily some leftover lentil chili with coconut flour tortilla chips and vegan cheese, and Emily, surprisingly, doesn’t hate it, and actually asks for a second bowl.It’s as good as a compliment as far as Kelley is concerned.

Emily’s sitting at the bar facing into Kelley’s kitchen and Kelley’s leaning on her counter on the other side of the bar, facing Emily.She’s picking at her nails. She didn’t give this enough thought, how to go about it, and she realizes that not knowing how to word this is a big mistake. But Emily keeps looking at her with these expectant eyes, and Kelley can’t very well just feed her and take her back home, not after she said she needed to talk to her.Somewhere private. 

“I’m single, you know,” Kelley starts and Emily nods slowly.“And you’re single,” Kelley continues.Emily nods again but her eyes widen.“It’s just... I miss... being with someone.”

“Pretty sure you could pick up any girl you want at a bar, Kell,” Emily laughs. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Kelley blushes. “But like, I don’t want to do that.”Emily raises her eyebrows.“I don’t want anything serious, I don’t want a relationship, but I don’t want to be bringing strangers home either, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“So I was wondering....well, I’m just going to say it because I don’t know how else to say it, but like, don’t hate me, ok?And say no if you want, ok? Because it’s totally ok, I just thought I’d ask, but I’m not gonna ruin our friendship over this...”

“Kelley what are you rambling on and on about?”

Kelley did not expect to be this nervous. She wasn’t this nervous when she came up with this idea.“Well, I was wondering how you’d feel about moving from friends to friends with benefits?”

Emily bursts out laughing, breaking the tension.But then she sees Kelley’s face fall.“Wait.Were you serious?”

Kelley just shrugs her shoulders. “I mean, neither of us is getting any.And I like you.And I trust you, so yeah, maybe. A little.” Kelley doesn’t think she’s ever seen Emily’s eyes so light grey, but it’s because they’ve never been open so wide. 

“So like, sex.Just sex?” Emily clarifies.

“Just sex. With good communication.” Because Kelley knows this with never work if they can’t communicate like adults.

“I’ve never just had sex with someone,” Emily says softly.

“I know.Never mind. This was a stupid idea.” The frustration is apparent on Kelley’s face and in her voice.

Kelley stands up, and Emily reaches for her hand, but misses.“I didn’t say no,” she blurts out as Kelley walks into her living room. She plops down on the couch and crosses her arms over her chest. She’s not pouting; she’s mad at herself for even bringing it up, afraid things will never be the same between them now. Emily follows her and sits on the coffee table in front of her.She reaches out and touches Kelley on the knee, ever so gently.“I didn’t say no,” she repeats quietly. Kelley looks up at her with shy eyes. “We would need rules,” Emily continues.

“Definitely,” Kelley agrees, some hopefulness creeping back into her voice. 

“Like no falling in love,” Emily says seriously.

“Because you’re in love with Horan.Yes, I know.We’ll stop when she realizes she’s gay and that you’re her soulmate.” Emily shoots her a look.“What other rules do you want?”

“Can’t affect us on the field.”

“It won’t,” Kelley promises. “What else?”

“No dates?” Emily asks.

“No dates,” Kelley confirms, “but we can do things together, because we’re still friends. We just won’t call them dates. What else?”

“Dunno.Guess that’s it for now.”Emily pauses, and moves next to Kelley on the couch.“So this is like, well, it’s like a business transaction?”

“Don’t call it that,” Kelley groans.

“But it is.”

Kelley sighs and gets up, but this time, Emily does catch her wrist, lightly, not hard enough to actually keep Kelley there, but Kelley stops anyway.And she allows Emily to pull her down into her lap. “There’s no one else I’d rather do business with,” Emily smirks.

“Except Horan,” Kelley fires back. 

Emily is about to tell her to shut up, but before she can even get the second syllable out, Kelley has captured Emily’s lips in a kiss.She had to do something. Because somehow, Emily managed to find a way to dominate this situation, and that makes Kelley oddly uncomfortable. This was her idea; she was supposed to be the one in control here, but Emily’s made the rules and Emily’s tugged her onto her lap and shit, now Emily’s the one whose hands are on Kelley’s hips, pulling her close and holding her there, deepening their kiss.


	3. All I Wanna Do...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mix one part smut...
> 
> ...and one part “how the hell did I let this happen?”

_  
  
_

_I got my whole life to change the world_

_and climb the ladder._

_Lookin’ at you lookin’ at me_

_is the only thing that matters._

_Come a little closer baby,_

_we can talk without the words,_

_hang a sign on the door_

_please do not disturb._

_Let’s just lay here and be lazy_

_baby drive me crazy._

_All I wanna do..._

(...is fuck you. Basically.)

Kelley is the first the break the kiss, which both surprises her and makes her exceptionally disappointed in herself. She shouldn’t be this breathless, this taken aback by someone five years her junior. Someone with so much less experience. 

But Emily’s such a good kisser, way better than Kelley had ever imagined, and yeah, so what if she had maybe imagined it? She thought Emily would be awkward, because she _is_ a little awkward. Hesitant, because even though she tries to hide it, she’s actually _not_ confident at all.Sloppy, because she’s kinda like a teenage boy still.But she’s none of those things once she starts kissing Kelley. 

Her lips are soft.They alternate between barely touching Kelley’s and devouring her.And every time Kelley wants more, Emily pulls away, and it’s both frustrating and _fucking hot._

Her tongue is skillful.It’s not overpowering and she knows how to use it to tease Kelley and to tickle her. And she uses her teeth _just_ often enough and _just_ hard enough to send shockwaves through Kelley.

Her hands are confident.They’re firm on Kelley’s ass, but they don’t squeeze.They’re light as they creep under her shirt, but they don’t tickle, they’re both playful and longing as they tangle in Kelley’s hair, pulling her in. And they way they slide up and down Kelley’s thighs?Well it makes Kelley regret wearing jeans. All she can think about is what those hands would feel like on her bare skin. There's no way Emily hasn't thought about this before, too.

And _goddamnit_ , why did she wait _so_ long to kiss Sonnett?

“I’m not going to fuck you on the couch,” Kelley says, trying to sound very matter-of-fact and not like she’s trying too hard. Emily looks at her, looks like she’s about to make some smart-allecky comment, maybe about how Kelley is so presumptuous, but she refrains. Which is... not like her. “I can wash my sheets, I can’t clean my couch,” Kelley explains, suddenly uncomfortable with the silence.

Emily shrugs. She slides one hand behind Kelley’s thighs and uses the other to push herself to standing.Kelley’s legs instinctively wrap around Emily’s waist, and her arms grip Emily’s back. She feels the muscles in Emily’s back and shoulders tighten through her shirt. It makes her wish she could _see_ those muscles, not that she hasn’t seen them before, but she wants to see them _now_.Emily carries Kelley, like it’s nothing, down the hall to her bedroom. She’s been to Kelley’s place before, granted it was for something much more innocent. But she remembers. She doesn’t even hesitate.

And _shit_ , when did Sonnett get so _strong_?

She lays Kelley down on the bed, gently, and stands over her for a moment.Emily furrows her brow, just for a split second, and Kelley swears that the way Emily is looking at her is like nothing she’s ever seen before, but she can’t quite figure out what exactly it is or what that look _means_.  


“Take your shirt off.” And it’s a suggestion, not forceful, but the way Emily says it, so smooth and confident, surprises Kelley enough to do what she’s told.“And your bra.” And when Kelley does that, it makes Emily smile, that cute close-lipped smile of hers that produces only one dimple. Kelley’s stomach drops, partly because that smile disarms her, and partly because Emily Sonnett is now standing above her, staring at her half-naked body.

And, well, _fuck_ , she’s let Emily be in charge again. _How does this keep happening?_

“Come here,” Kelley whispers, grabbing for Emily’s hand. Emily slides in next to her, propping herself up on one elbow.She’s kissing Kelley again, and letting her hand explore Kelley’s hips and ribs and abs.And then, she’s lightly grazing over Kelley’s breasts. Somehow, she can make it seem like it’s almost absentminded, but Kelley knows it’s not. See, it’s not just Kelley’s breath that hitches in that moment.She hears Emily’s breathing change, it’s faster and more shallow. And Emily’s leg, that was thrown across her, ever so casually, shifts and squirms. 

There’s that competitive fire, the desire to always have the upper-hand over an opponent.  


This is Kelley’s opportunity to get back in control.She rolls them over; Emily let’s her.She sits back on Emily’s thighs, watching Emily’s appreciate her in a way she never has been able to in a locker room.She pulls Emily up to her, and Emily’s about to start kissing her again, but Kelley stop her, taking off Emily’s shirt and bra instead.Then she kisses Emily back into the bed. 

Now Emily’s definitely the one who looks shy and, Kelley might add, a little less confident. She smirks as she ducks her head down to take Emily’s nipple into her mouth. And she nibbles on it, gently enough, but the squeak the escapes Emily’s lips is enough to let her know that yep, she’s _back_. Her fingers flick at Emily’s other nipple and Emily’s already arching her back and yep, Kelley’s _got_ this. She slides her hand down, fingers tracing that damn v-line that Emily is _so_ proud of. But she hesitates. “You’re absolutely 100% positive you’re ok with this?” she asks. Because she cares about Emily. Deeply. And Lord knows she doesn’t want Emily feeling pressured into this friends with benefits situation that she’s concocted. She’s looking into Emily’s eyes, waiting for her answer, when...

_What the fuck_?

Emily’s flipped her over. And now Emily’s mouth is on _her_ breast.

“Why do you have to be like this?” Kelley half moans, half whines, as she runs her fingers through Emily’s hair.

“Like what?” Emily mumbles, her voice muffled against Kelley’s skin. Emily doesn’t even look up at her, content to continue running her tongue around Kelley’s nipple.

“ _Thissss_ ,” Kelley stresses.

It’s almost like a cue for Emily. She starts kissing a trail down Kelley’s stomach until she’s at her waistband, and before Kelley knows it, Emily’s pulled down her jeans and thrown them on the floor and is rubbing her hand over Kelley’s underwear as she comes back up to kiss Kelley.

  
So there’s the answer Kelley was looking for. In case she was still wondering how sure Emily is about this.

“This was your idea,” Emily says between planting kisses on Kelley’s neck and collarbone.“I just thought I’d take care of you first. And then...”

Oh there’s definitely going to be an ‘and then’. Kelley’s going to make sure of it. But not right now. Because right now, she’s having trouble focusing. Definitely later though.

Kelley is impatient. Way more than she usually is, but she doesn’t know why, doesn’t know where this is coming from. ”Take my fucking underwear off, Sonnett,” she growls into Emily’s ear and she feels Emily stiffen. 

“Yes, Miss Kelley,” Emily says, feigning reverence.

 _Fuck_. 

Kelley’s going to come before Emily even has her completely naked. She bites her lip, hard, determined not to let that happen. Emily slides Kelley’s underwear down around her ankles, slowly removing them.

And _Jesus Christ,_ Kelley wants to _kick_ them off to help move this along.   
  


She barely holds off. Emily runs her tongue through Kelley’s folds once, and then lightly touches her tongue to Kelley’s clit, and that’s all it takes.

”Did you just...?” Emily stifles a laugh.

”Shut up, Sonnett,” Kelley groans.

”But...”

Kelley lets out a heavy sigh, and Emily comes back up even with Kelley’s face. That is not what Kelley wanted. She wanted Emily to stay right where she was. Kelley covers her face with her arm.

She feels like she should be humiliated.

Except she’s not.   
  
Not really at least.

Because there’s something about Emily that makes her so comfortable. A comfort that should have taken years to develop. A comfort that she hasn't had with other lovers.

Emily moves Kelley’s arm back off of her face, gently, by the wrist. She’s looking at Kelley intently now. She buries her face in Kelley’s neck for a moment, and then whispers into her ear, “It was the ‘Miss Kelley,’ wasn’t it?”

Kelley jerks, tensing up, squeezing Emily’s thigh that’s still between her legs.  
  
  


“Seems like someone’s ready to go again,” Emily muses. 

How the _hell_ did this kid get so fucking _confident_?

  
  
But that confidence is all but gone when it’s Kelley’s turn. Every inch of Emily’s body is sensitive under Kelley’s fingers. And Kelley’s loving it. Loving making Emily squirm and twitch. Loving the feeling of Emily sinking her fingers into Kelley's flesh as if she’s holding on for dear life. And Emily is so quiet. The moans and whines barely escape from her lips. She tries so hard to stifle them, which motivates Kelley even more.

She finally gets a loud-for-Sonnett “fuck” to escape Emily’s lips, and the sensation it sends through Kelley, right down to her center, is overwhelming. She’s now fucking Emily with her fingers and rubbing herself on Emily’s thigh until they both come.  
  


But Kelley isn’t done with her yet. She kisses her way down until she’s between Emily’s legs.

”Kell...”

”Shhh,” Kelley breathes into her, before leveling a soft, tentative swipe of her tongue against Emily.

”Kelley, you don’t have to...”

And suddenly, Kelley gets it. Emily has always been a giver. Someone who takes care of others. Out of the bedroom, for sure, so why would in be any different in the bedroom. That’s why she fell back so easily into the role. But lying back, vulnerable, with Kelley between her legs, well it’s hard for her. She’s out of her comfort zone.

Kelley looks up at Emily. “I want you, Emily Sonnett.” Emily finally makes eye contact with her. “I fucking want you,” she repeats. And she feels Emily’s body relax just enough, giving her permission. Because the truth is, even though she’s nervous, Emily wants it too.

As Kelley’s laying there, sun fading in the sky outside her bedroom windows, the little spoon to Emily’s big, she thinks that maybe today was a little too soft, a little too intimate, for _just sex_. She’s going to have to change that.  


  
You know, before Emily falls in love with her.

* * *

Kelley’s surprised by the twinge of jealously she feels when she finds out that Sonnett and Horan are roommates for January camp. So, she proceeds to spend the next three weeks finding ways to kick Lindsey out of her own room as often as possible. Because Kelley is rooming with Carli (how the fuck did that happen?) and it’s not like she can kick Carli out of her room. And... she’s not about to take any chances that that psycho will catch them in the act. Not that they’re trying to hide it. 

People know. 

Obviously.

Because Kelley isn’t going to even bother to try hiding it. She has no shame smacking Sonnett’s ass in the locker room and making inappropriate comments about how good Sonnett is, to the delight of the team as they all get a kick out of it. And Kelley gets a kick out of seeing Emily’s skin flush. She's always looked better with a little color on her cheeks.

But... she has her limits, and she thinks Sonnett would be scarred for life if Carli walked in on them. And Kelley’s not trying to have their little fling end anytime soon.

In the back of her own mind, what’s she’s really worried about is that this doesn’t backfire when Lindsey sees how goddamn desirable Sonnett is.But she worries it might, because she sees the way Lindsey looks at Emily every time she leaves. And because Kelley knows full well that Lindsey’s at least a little bit gay, even if she says she’s not.Kelley can sense it. Kelley’s gaydar is perfect. And Kelley has decided that as happy as that might make Sonnett, she would prefer not to battle someone else for her attention. At least not quite yet.

So she has Emily every chance she gets. In the bathroom at a team dinner, in the shower after practice, and once or twice in her room, but only when Carli’s getting one of her ridiculously long treatments. It’s fun, sneaking around, for Kelley at least. And it’s hot, because Kelley has to be quiet most of the time. And she’s not good at being quiet. That stresses Emily out and makes Kelley laugh and tease her. So to make Emily feel better, Kelley claims she _used to be_ good at being quiet. But Emily’s tongue, well... Kelley just can’t help but being loud sometimes.

  
  
Their last night in camp, Emily and Kelley go out to a bar. It's more like Kelley _makes_ Emily go out to a bar. And when they get back to their rooms, it’s too late to kick Lindsey out because she’s already sound asleep. But Kelley just doesn’t want to let Emily go. There was something different about her tonight that Kelley cannot place. It wasn’t how good she looked, although she looked so damn good in those tight jeans and soft gray sweater. It wasn’t how nervous she was when Kelley lightly touched the inside of her knee (and let her fingers linger), because that’s just how Sonnett is in camp and in public - shy and timid - the complete opposite of how she is with Kelley at home, in private. It wasn’t even the fact that she finally let Kelley pay for her, which technically made this a date - their first one - not that Kelley is keeping track. But whatever that thing is, it’s keeping Kelley drawn to Emily like a magnet. And Kelley’s inability to put her finger on what’s different is starting to make her wonder if she’s what’s different.

She takes a chance, breaks an unspoken rule, and asks to go in Sonnett’s room with her, with Lindsey asleep inside. She promises that her hands won’t stray and that nothing’s going to happen, and well, she actually means it. She doesn’t know why Emily lets her, maybe she actually trusts her, but the next thing she knows, she’s changing into a pair of Emily’s shorts and Emily’s UVA sweatshirt, and she’s cuddling in Emily’s arms, all in complete silence. 

This is a not a problem, because it feels so perfectly wonderful and comfortable. But it _is_ a problem. A big problem. The longer this thing between them goes on, the more conflicted Kelley becomes. Because she wants to caress Emily’s cheek and tuck that stray strand of hair behind her ear and kiss the back of her hand, but she can’t. Because those things are too sweet. And sweet was not part of the equation when they agreed on this.

  
Except that Kelley is starting to get the feeling that Emily would be ok with sweet.


	4. What I’d Give

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mix one part smut...
> 
> ...and one part “I’m in love.”

_What I'd give to bring you flowers_   
_What I'd give to get you alone_   
_What I'd give to bring a smile across your face_   
_What I'd give to take you home_

_What I'd give to make you coffee_   
_Find out how you like your eggs_   
_Wrapped around you in the mornin'_   
_A tangled lace of arms and legs_

_What I'd give to take you dancin'_   
_What I'd give to make you mine_   
_If you got questions, I got answers_   
_And my answer's "yes" to you every time_

_What I'd give for just one minute_   
_What I'd give to count all the ways_   
_If your heart was dark with nothing in it_   
_I'd give you mine and take your place_

  
_What I'd give to let you love me_

** April, 2020 **

It’s April now, and they’ve been mostly apart for awhile. Since February. Since they won their Olympic qualifying tournament, with Emily starting at right back in the final against Canada, and Kelley oddly content to cheer her on from the sidelines. With Emily shutting down Christine Sinclair. And Emily halfway to cementing that spot as hers. And with Kelley feeling... what was that? Pride? Yes pride. Because Emily was her protege. Basically. 

Since Emily went back to Portland and Kelley went back to Utah - for pre-season - they’ve only spent a few days here and there together, Kelley always flying to Portland, when the breaks in their training have coincided.But for the first time this season, Emily’s coming to Kelley’s apartment because the Thorns are in town for a game.   
  


* * *

  
Sonnett has a bad game. There’s no way to put it gently. She commits the foul right outside of the box that leads to a set piece goal. And it’s Sonnett that Christen beats on the dribble to slot a second goal home.

Kelley’s surprised that she wasn’t the one who had a bad game, to be quite honest. The way Emily was stretching in warm-ups, on her hands and knees, down low, rocking her hips.... Kelley couldn’t take her eyes off of Emily’s ass and hips and thighs.It was so obvious. So obvious Christen giggled and Becky gave her the trademark “what the fuck?” look, and Laura even got on her about it. Twice. Talk about embarrassing.  
  
Except it wasn’t.  


Not really actually.

She can’t help how hot Sonnett is.

So when Emily shows up at Kelley’s place, looking all dejected, Kelley wastes no time trying to help her forget. Emily’s barely inside Kelley’s apartment when Kelley pushes her up against the door. Hard. And her hand goes right between Emily’s legs, stroking her over the thin fabric of her leggings. A second later, she’s sliding her hand down inside Emily’s pants. And oooh... she really isn’t wearing anything underneath. She could have held Emily, wrapped her in her arms to comfort her. But this will suffice.

There’s no need for foreplay; Emily is already wet.It never takes much to get her going.Pushing her up against the door, touching her like that, that would have done the trick. Hell, she was probably thinking about Kelley in the Uber on the way over. _That_ was all it took, Kelley guesses. Kelley’s fingers make one single pass through Emily’s folds before they slide inside. Emily whines a little at the sudden feeling of Kelley inside her - it’s been a couple of weeks and she hasn’t forgotten but...

Emily throws her head back against the door, banging it hard and Kelley hesitates, worried about her. “Don’t stop,” Emily whispers, even though no one else is inside Kelley’s apartment. She pulls Kelley closer.

Kelley fucking _loves_ it when Emily’s whispers in her ear.

  
It feels good to have Emily back, to have her pressed up against the door, to be inside her, to feel like she owns Emily in the moment, even if she doesn’t. Emily’s fingers are digging into Kelley’s back, through her sweatshirt, and she’s breathing into Kelley’s ear, and Kelley feels her contracting around her fingers as they curl. 

And then  Emily collapses into her, requiring Kelley to support all her weight. She’s breathing hard, and trembling, just barely. Kelley doesn’t know what to make of it, because she just keeps her face buried in Kelley’s shoulder, giving Kelley no way to read her.

But Kelley’s not done with Emily. She pulls Emily towards her and guides her to the kitchen island, lifting her up. Emily cups Kelley’s face in her hands so gently, and her eyes are so soft, and the way she kisses Kelley...

Well there’s just something  there. Kelley’s not imagining it.

Probably.

Most likely.

But she ignores it, has to ignore it. Because there are rules. 

She pulls Emily’s hips towards her instead, so Emily is left half laying down, half propping herself up on her elbows. Kelley swipes her perfectly arranged stack of mail off the counter, letting it fall to the floor. The mess would normally annoy her in her perfectly kept apartment, but it doesn’t because now she has more room. 

She peels Emily’s leggings off, but doesn’t bother with her sweatshirt, because, well, it’s neither in the way nor worth the effort. She takes her time with Emily, looping her arms under her legs, kissing her soft, milky white thighs, lapping up her wetness, running her tongue everywhere... except there. She’s got Emily breathing hard, body rocking towards Kelley, head thrown back. And Kelley loves seeing Emily’s throat exposed like that, wants to touch it and kiss it, but really, she’d rather see those grey eyes. To see if there’s something more in them, or if she’s just crazy and making things up.

But she can’t keep teasing Emily like this, so she starts licking Emily’s clit, softly, slowly, her tongue loose and flat. And Emily bears down into it, wanting more. When Kelley doesn’t give it to her right away, Emily drops down to the counter, freeing up her hands to pull Kelley into her. Kelley could resist, but she’s not that mean, or at least doesn’t feel like being that mean tonight. She licks harder and faster, and adds in short little suckles that cause Emily to sit back up and to squeeze Kelley’s hand so hard she thinks her fingers could actually break. But that rush of wetness is all the satisfaction Kelley needs to forget.

Emily catches her breath and then kisses Kelley, tasting herself. She slowly lifts Kelley’s sweatshirt over her head, tossing it aside. Kelley has nothing on underneath, and Emily’s hands find her breasts right away. She’s a little rough tonight, squeezing them in her hands, but Kelley kinda digs it, this Emily who’s losing herself right now.

Kelley takes Emily’s hand and leads her to the bedroom. She watches as Emily lies down on her bed and takes off her own sweatshirt. Kelley’s standing there before her, appreciating the beauty of Emily’s fully naked body sprawled across her bed. She drops her pj pants to the floor and climbs on top of Emily, their naked bodies touching, skin on fire.   
  


Emily’s pushing Kelley’s hair out of her face as if falls forward, and Kelley is teasing her, letting their lips get close, but refusing to let them touch. Kelley’s grinding against Emily now, causing her to breathe hard again, and Emily can’t help herself; she moving in sync with Kelley, and digging her fingers into Kelley’s ass to pull them together even closer. If Emily were to open her eyes, she’d see Kelley’s face contorted with pleasure, but she settles for hearing those high-pitch moans escaping Kelley’s mouth and for feeling Kelley nip at her lower lip.

Kelley finally kisses Emily, hard and deep, as they both come. And then she collapses on to her, both breathless, chests heaving, sweaty and wet and sticky. It’s then that Kelley realizes they haven’t said a word to each other, other than when Emily banged her head and told Kelley not to stop. And Kelley doesn’t know if that’s strange, or if that’s maybe how this whole fuck buddy thing is supposed to go, but she doesn’t feel like breaking the silence. She just lays there, and Emily seems content with it too, stroking Kelley’s back softly.

It's Emily who eventually breaks the silence. “Want me to...”

But Kelley just shakes her head against Emily’s chest. “I know you’re tired. And I’m fine. Tomorrow.” And Kelley really means that.

They’re quiet for awhile longer, and Kelley’s actually drifting off to sleep, when Emily’s voice brings her back.

“I have to tell you something,” she says quietly. It immediately causes Kelley’s stomach to drop, but she feels like it shouldn’t, because Sonnett’s voice is even. “I’m going on a date when I get back to Portland. With Bailey.”

Kelley rolls off of Emily and lies on her back next to her, staring at the ceiling. She doesn’t want Emily to see her face, but she doesn’t feel like she can lie there on top of her anymore. She wracks her brain. _Who the fuck is Bailey? Is she supposed to know who this person is_? Because the way Emily said it, it sounds like she’s supposed to know. She doesn’t, so she just gives in and asks, trying to match Emily’s steadiness when she talks.

“She’s one of our trainers.”

 _Ooohh. That Bailey_. The one they had mercilessly teased Sonnett about flirting with when she got punched in the face. Sonnett had always denied flirting with her, claiming she was just trying to stay in the game, but... 

Well, _fuck_!

”I’ve always kinda had a crush on her, but she had a girlfriend. Got back to Portland and turns out, they’ve broken up. So we’ve kinda been talking...” Emily’s voice trails off, as if she’s maybe embarrassed, or just doesn’t know what else to say.

Kelley hesitates. Her mind is swirling around so many thoughts, some of which she can’t say...because rules... and she’s starting to feel sick to her stomach. But Kelley is a goddamn professional and she can handle this; she can handle anything. “So, like why are you telling me this?”

”Dunno. I just thought, since we’re sleeping together, I should tell you.” Emily bites her cheek. “I mean, if you were sleeping with someone else, I’d want to know...”

_Would she though? Want to know? Really? And this means it's not just a date. Emily has plans. Plans that involve sex with someone who's not her._

Emily continues. “It’s totally your business if you are, and I know we don’t have a rule about this so it’s not like you have to tell me, but, you know, safe sex and all...”

Well this just got even more uncomfortable.

”So are you? Sleeping with anyone else?” Emily asks softly.

”No.” And Kelley’s not. She hasn’t even considered it since she started sleeping with Sonnett four months ago. “Did you tell her you’re still in love with Lindsey?”

”Fuck off, Kelley.”

”Well I mean, she deserves to know...”

”I’ve been over Lindsey. For awhile now. Guess you missed that.”

Kelley doesn’t know what to say to that, doesn’t know exactly what Emily means by that. So she just changes the subject. “Does this mean we have to stop?” She can barely choke out the words and she prays Emily doesn’t notice.

”No, I mean, not yet anyway. But maybe. Eventually. I don’t know.” Kelley turns to look at her and she’s furrowing her brow as she thinks about it.

“Well,” Kelley finally says, “it’s not like you and I could do this for real anyway.” She thinks she did a pretty good job hiding her disappointment there.

“Why not?” Emily asks. “Not that I want to do this for real, I’m just curious.”

“Because you’re a baby still.”

“Funny. I thought when you were calling me baby last time you were in Portland, it was for reasons other than my age, but ok.”

Kelley chuckles, but that’s not the end of it.

”You remember that, right? I had that new strap. And you told me how good I was. I believe your words were ‘fuck yes, baby!’ No, I _know_ that’s what you said. Because you said it _so_ many times.”

Kelley turns bright red, and she’s thankful that the only light in her room is coming from the lamp in the parking lot. Kelley’s mouth is agape. Emily’s got her at a complete loss for words. 

Emily turns over and scoots back into Kelley, finding her warmth. “We’ll figure it out,” she says confidently. “We just might need new rules. Night, Kell.”

And just like that, Emily’s settled in and breathing slow and steady, and Kelley didn’t get a chance to say anything she really wanted to say, or needed to say, rather.

* * *

“Kell, come back to bed,” Emily murmurs.It’s light-ish inside the bedroom because the stupid sun is rising, but it’s not bright enough to force them awake yet. And it’s certainly not early enough. Not after the game last night, and not when they don’t have training today.

“Can I play something for you?” Kelley asks. Her voice sounds so unlike her, so shy. She’s been up most of the night battling with her feelings, toying between telling Emily how she feels and keeping her goddamn mouth shut because this fuck buddy thing was her idea, after all. She doesn’t get to develop feelings.   
  
And it wouldn’t be fair to Emily to throw this at her now, not when she found someone she’s kind of interested in. Finally.

It’s just that she said she was over Horan. That she had _been_ over Horan. How did Kelley miss that? And what the fuck did Emily mean by it?

And it’s just that Kelley can’t stop thinking about Emily. She hasn’t been able to get Emily out of her head for awhile now. And she doesn’t mean naked; this has gone so far beyond sex and she didn't realize it. Until now. Now that it's too late. She can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to fall asleep next to her every night, and wake up next to her every morning, to make her breakfast, to take her to family gatherings, and to go on dates. Real dates. And she can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to have Emily love her back.

  
Emily rolls over and rubs her eyes, barely making out the figure at the end of the bed because her vision is still so blurry. Her Thorns hoodie is covering Kelley’s chest, but she’s still naked on the bottom. Holding a guitar. Sitting at the foot of the bed. “I thought that was just for show,” she says, referring to what she always assumed was a prop on Kelley’s wall in her living room. “You know, to impress chicks.”

“Shut up.Yes or no, Sonnett?”

“Well yeah. But I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to sit,” Emily jokes.

“Shut up!”

  
Emily props herself up on one elbow.“Play something for me,” she says, serious now. Because Kelley seems very serious. 

“I’m not very good.” Unconfident Kelley is a rare sight.

“I don’t care,” Emily says softly, and she means it.

“I don’t really get to practice a lot.” And that’s true. But there’s this one song that Kelley has been practicing a lot. Ever since she first heard it. Because it reminds her of Emily. But Kelley doesn’t want Emily judging her. This kid, whose opinion she shouldn't care about, means so much more to her than she's ever let on.

”It’s ok, baby,” Emily reassures her. “Just play something for me.”

Well that hits different. Emily’s never called her baby before. Not even in the throes of passion. It gives Kelley’s just enough confidence to actually play.

Kelley hunches over, resting her mouth on the guitar as if she’s trying to hide behind it, trying to muffle her voice. She strums a chord experimentally, and then sits up, just a little. Emily’s about to make a comment about her posture getting worse, but this doesn’t seem like the time for it. Kelley starts slowly, quietly. 

_Woke up this morning,  
l_ _ight poured in, you're with me  
_ _I thought I'd be better off alone._

 _Now, my soul has been torn and reborn,  
_ _started breathing.  
_ _What have I done?  
_ _What have I done?_

_I never thought I needed saving,  
_ _I was right where I should be.  
_ _Good God, I know it's dangerous,  
_ _but it's you that I need._

_I'm in love this time  
_ _I'm in love this time  
_ _What have I done?  
_ _What have I done?_

_So, don't you fall back asleep for this moment  
_ _Just be, I wanna get it right for once.  
_ _Oh, I've been knocked out and beat  
_ _but this feeling is fleeting  
_ _What have I done?  
_ _What have I done?_

_Ever since the other night  
_ _I've been thinking 'bout the way you smile golden  
_ _Wanna move inside of your light.  
_ _What have I done?  
_ _Oh no, what have I done?  
_ _You be brave for me, now  
_ _I’m in love this time.  
_ _What have I done?_

Kelley props the guitar against the bed. She can’t look at Emily, her head is just hanging and her eyes are downcast. “So yeah...” she mumbles, her eyes filling with tears.

Emily knows in an instant that there’s not going to be a date with Bailey. And that’s perfectly fine with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Dermont Kennedy’s “What Have I Done” because it’s fabulous.


	5. Fall Into Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Kelley wants is for Emily to be great. Nothing more, nothing less. And then, maybe this pain will all be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!

_  
Fall into me  
My arms are opened wide  
And you don't have to say a word.  
Cause I already see  
That it’s hard,  
And your scared,  
And your tired,  
And it hurts.  
And I wanna be the one you reach for first._

**May, 2020**

As soon as Emily’s phone rings, she knows who it is. And she knows why she’s calling.

Vlatko shouldn’t have told her. It wasn’t exactly professional of him. But she had asked, at the end of her call when he told her she made the roster...

He knows about them.

And he knew that it would crush Emily as much as it crushes Kelley.

Knew that Emily needed to be there for her. 

Knew that Kelley might try to shut her out even.

He’s a good man. Emily knows this. He cares deeply.

But Kelley’s ankle is not where it needs to be for an Olympics. NWSL? Sure. Japan? The Netherlands? Not even close.

He’s right. On all accounts, soccer and otherwise.

And Emily just wants to curse the God she grew up praising.

  
But by the time she gets the call from Kelley, with the words “I need you,” barely discernible through Kelley’s tears, Emily already has her flight to Utah booked and is stuffing a few changes of clothes into a backpack.   
  
Kelley reached out to Emily first. Not her parents, not her sister, not even Alex. Emily. Emily is who she is looking to find comfort in. Emily is the only one she wants there in her darkest moment, the only one who is allowed to see her cry and scream and fall apart. The only one who might be able to put her back together.

* * *

  
She finds Kelley curled up in a ball under the covers on her couch. Kelley gave her a key awhile back. Emily never understood why, she figured it was just more about the gesture, the symbolism, but she's glad to have it today. 

Kelley is devastated. She’s given a decade of her life to this team. Blood, sweat, and tears - well that’s not a cliché; it was her reality. This team was her everything, and she doesn’t know how she’ll find herself without it. Of course, it was going to end eventually, but she always assumed it would be on her time, on her terms. She feels like she’s lost herself with one phone call.

And when Emily falls to her knees in front of Kelley, cupping her face, Kelley loses it all over again. The tears are flowing uncontrollably. Her face is bright red. The saliva in her mouth is thick. 

But she’s not destroyed; there’s a difference between being devastated and being destroyed. Like the difference between being bent and broken. Nothing’s going to break her. And the reason for that is the woman before her, softly caressing her face. She realizes this the second she sees Emily. Kelley just needed a bit of time, and her girlfriend by her side to hold her and love her through it.

And maybe some alcohol. But Emily doesn’t need to know about that. 

Kelley wanted to go to another Olympics. More than anything. More than anything except...

...how much wanted Sonnett to take her spot. 

And now she has.

It’s Emily’s.

And Emily deserves it. She has been shining, solid - a rock back there. She’s matured and her confidence has grown. She absolutely earned it and Kelley is so, so proud of her.

But it doesn’t mean that Kelley can function, or even get up off the couch right now. She can’t even speak. And she’s thankful that Emily’s not speaking either.

Emily slides in behind Kelley, squeezing in the small space between the couch and Kelley’s back. She can’t imagine giving Kelley some half-assed apology, as if an “I’m sorry,” could ever make this better. Her cheeks are hot and she’s crying into Kelley’s hair as she runs her fingers through it, but she doesn’t know what else to do. It breaks her heart, because Emily is a fixer. But there’s no fixing this. She’d give her spot to Kelley if she could, but she can’t. It’s not her choice.

Kelley’s glad she doesn’t have to hear an “I’m sorry,” too. Not that Emily wouldn’t mean it; the problem is she _would_ mean it. And Kelley doesn’t want Emily to be sorry. She wants Emily to be _great_.

Greater than she’s ever been. Greater than Phil Neville’s pride and joy, Lucy Brozne. Great in her own right.

And sure, she imagines she’ll be offended if the commentators don’t mention her when they’re talking about Sonnett during the Olympics, maybe just a comment about how she’s stepping in for an injured Kelley O’Hara. The one and only Kelley O’Hara, perhaps. That’ll be enough.

But curled up in Emily’s arms right now, all she _really_ needs is to know that Emily will be great.   
  


* * *

“We’ll have to tell your parents, you know.” It’s been a few days, and Kelley’s starting to find her footing again, settling back into life after the realization that her national team career is really over. They’ve had a rough few days, but Kelley is ok enough that Emily’s going to be able to fly back to Portland later today. Which is good, because Mark’s probably going to kill for missing practice this week. And Lindsey’s sure as shit going to have plenty to say. But she doesn’t really care. Being there for Kelley was more important than her job will ever be.

Now, Emily’s looking at Kelley like she _didn’t_ know that, like it never occurred to her that her parents would need to know anything.

It’s not that Kelley hasn’t spent a little bit of time with Emily’s family over the past few months, it’s just they’ve never spoken the words aloud to them. Her parents may know, but then again, they may not, because Kelley is actually capable of behaving when she needs to. Or rather, when she’s _told_ to. She just likes to make Emily _think_ she can’t control herself when they’re around their teammates. But she really can. Kelley’s always been very much in control.

Except for when Emily has her naked in bed.

”I’m not sitting by myself, Sonnett.” And Emily’s still totally confused. “In Japan. I’m not sitting by myself. I need you to get me tickets with them. And they’re going to think it’s weird that I’m there wearing your jersey if they don’t know why.”

It never occurred to Emily that Kelley would go to Japan to see her play. She assumed it would be too painful. 

And it is going to be painful, but it also might be wonderful. No way Kelley’s going to miss it. No matter how much it hurts.

“You’re gonna wear my jersey to the games?” Emily asks.

”Of course. Whose jersey would I wear, Son?”

Emily thinks about it for a moment. “Alex’s I guess. Or your own?”

”Wearing my own would just be weird.” Emily nods; Kelley’s probably right about that. “And I’m not wearing Alex’s jersey. I’m not in love with Alex, I’m in love with you. I’m going to see you play. I’m wearing your jersey.”

* * *

**July, 2020**

It’s the first game of the group stage, and Kelley is so nervous. She feels it in the pit of her stomach. She wasn’t able to eat breakfast today because she felt so sick. She never got like this for her own games, but now that it’s Emily’s first Olympic start, things feel totally different. She’s biting her nails. She _never_ does that. Kelley knows that she shouldn’t be so nervous - it’s freaking Nigeria - but she wants so bad for Emily to be great. 

She’s so nervous that she almost doesn’t notice how she’s feeling about not being a part of it. 

_Almost_.

* * *

The truth is, it’s been really hard on her since she got the news, since Emily left her side. It’s been like a rollercoaster. Sometimes, she’s perfectly able to function and hide her depression, and other times, like when she’s has to play games for the Royals, without Becky and Christen, or when she drove Emily to the airport to catch her flight to California to meet up with the team on the way to Japan, it’s almost unbearable. In those times, the reminder feels like a slap in the face, brutal reality sinking in. And those days, she ends up going back to her apartment and drinking by herself in the dark until she’s numb enough to not have to deal with it anymore.

But she never - _ever_ \- lets Emily know how much she’s struggling. She won’t. She can’t. Well, she _could_ , and she is certain that Emily would be there by her side to comfort her and take care of her, to take away the alcohol and talk her through it. Because if Emily knew how much she’d been drinking...

But she’s not going to be a distraction on Emily’s path to greatness. She wants her girlfriend to be laser-focused. OK, maybe that’s wishful thinking - Emily struggles to be laser-focused about anything, except maybe Kelley’s naked body. But she isn’t going to have Emily worried about her while she’s in Japan. No way, no how, not a chance. Emily cannot know what this is doing to Kelley.

* * *

Kelley shoves those feeling down while she’s sitting in the stands next to Emily’s parents. They took the same flight to Japan from Atlanta. They’ve been sharing all their meals together, and sharing the little bit of time Emily gets away from the team. They’ve embraced Kelley like she’s part of the family, like she always hoped but never quite imagined they would. She knew they wouldn’t care that Emily was dating a woman. She knew this because of the person Emily was. Two people who raised the kind and selfless soul that is Emily Sonnett surely didn’t have it in them to hate their own daughter over the gender of the person she fell in love with, but they've made her feel like an honorary Sonnett.

* * *

Emily hadn’t been so sure about that though. This was the South after all. Kelley remembers how nervous Emily was when they showed up in Marietta to tell Emily’s parents. She had tried to put Emily’s mind at ease on the car ride over, telling Emily that “parents love me, don’t worry about it.” But that had kind of backfired because then Emily had wanted to know just how many people’s parents Kelley had met. “The number’s not important, babe. Your parents are the last parents I plan on ever having to meet,” Kelley assured her. It was cheesy, and it was probably too soon for Kelley to know that, but Emily thought it was cute that she said it anyway.

Sitting there in the kitchen at the Sonnett household, Kelley had almost grabbed Emily’s hand before Emily got the words out, it was trembling so much. But all that worry was for absolutely nothing. Bill and Jane knew. They told her they had known for years and they didn’t care. Bill gave Kelley the typical dad talk about how he owns a shotgun and Kelley better not hurt his daughter. Emily blushed so hard, but he argued that this was the first time Emily had brought someone home, and it was his duty as a father to make sure Kelley knew the consequences of breaking his baby girl’s heart. 

He didn’t have to worry. Kelley would never hurt her.

And Emily didn’t have to worry about her family, because love is the most powerful force on the planet.

* * *

She spots Emily walking out of the tunnel and onto the field, but she’s in the wrong spot. She should be between Lindsey and Rose, but she’s between Becky and Abby. How did she fuck this up so bad on the world stage? There are numbers on the back of their jerseys for God’s sake. And Emily has a college degree, even if it is from the very inferior UVA, not Stanford. Kelley’s just going to have to take a picture of this and send it to Emily’s alma mater with the question “How did you let her graduate?!?” written on the back.

But then she sees it. 

**SONNETT  
** **5**

5\. As in Kelley’s number.

Well, what used to be Kelley’s number; it’s not hers anymore.

5\. Now with Emily’s name above it. 

Kelley thinks her heart might burst right there in the stands. There are tears in her eyes that are precariously close to spilling out onto her cheeks.

And then she feels a tap on her shoulder. She turns around to find Heif, a familiar face from US Soccer, holding out a jersey for her. “She wanted you to wear this.”

 **SONNETT  
** **5**

There’s no holding back the tears now.

* * *

After the game, when she finally gets to see Emily, Kelley can’t even speak. She just buries her face in Emily’s neck to hide the tears that are about to pour out all over again. And Emily holds her in a way that Kelley can’t figure out - it’s both tender and strong at the same time. Like Emily is both the softest person in the whole world, and yet she can support all of Kelley’s weight, both her physical weight and her emotional baggage. Kelley wants Emily to hold her like this forever.

”I didn’t mean to make you cry, I just wanted to surprise you,” Emily whispers into her hair, as she feels Kelley’s back shaking as she sobs. Emily took all of her promo photos in her #14 jersey just so this moment today could be a total surprise. “It’s just that someone was going to get your number. I didn’t want it to be Casey or Lynn, you know? That wouldn’t mean anything. I figured if someone else was going to be wearing it, it should be me. Because I love you. And because it belongs in that spot on the field. Right back. Number five is synonymous with right back. You made it that way, Kell.”

Kelley pulls back to look at her, to stare into those gorgeous, clear eyes. Those eyes that have always been so unwaveringly certain. Emily lightly swipes at her cheeks, brushing away the last bit of tears. Kelley doesn’t think anyone has ever done something so meaningful for her. It feels like Emily is going to singlehandedly heal her. 

They take a picture together, standing next to each other. Their backs only, so the **SONNETT 5** is visible. They’re holding hands, and Kelley’s head is turned to the right and slightly up, looking at Emily. You can’t see it, but she’s beaming with pride. 

Kelley’s in bed at her hotel when she hears the ding of an Instagram notification from her phone. 

_emilysonnett has posted a photo._

Kelley clicks it open. It’s the photo of them from after the game. It cuts off their hands, so no one knows, but she posted it. And the Queen of Captions could only come up with “ _BIIIG shoes to fill, but striving everyday to make you proud @kelleyohara ❤️_ ” 

There’s nothing about the post that would make it exceptionally obvious to the world that they’re anything more than friends and former teammates. It’s just one young replacement looking up to her retired mentor. As open and touchy as Kelley has been over the past six months around their friends and teammates and family, she has been very careful to make sure the outside world has no confirmation that they’re anything more than friends. It’s out of respect for Emily; Kelley would shout it from the rooftops if she could.   
  
She comments on Emily’s post. She thinks about commenting that she wouldn’t want anyone else wearing her number. That would be more innocuous than what she goes with: _“Wouldn’t want anybody else’s name on my back_.” Eh, it’s a _little_ obvious, but not _too_ obvious. She adds _LFG_ to it. That’s definitely a good way to throw people off, she reasons.   
  


Emily likes her comment almost immediately, like she was just lying in bed waiting to see if Kelley would comment on her post.

* * *

Kelley has a very vivid dream that night.

They won, because of course they did. All the players are coming over to the stands to hug their loved ones. Emma, Bill, and Jane are down at the bottom, leaning over the concert barrier, with Emily standing there smiling and crying and talking animatedly with her hands. And Kelley’s still in her seat, half a dozen rows up, taking it all in - the gold medal around her girlfriend’s neck, the USA chants, the big empty feeling deep down in her soul, the finality of it all.

Emily’s eyes meet hers, and she stops mid-sentence, as if she’s frozen. She motions for Kelley to come down. Kelley shakes her head; she knows that if she’s anywhere near Emily right now, the love and affection she has for her will spill out and the world might indeed figure out that So’Hara is real.

But Emily is insistent and Kelley eventually gives in; she can never say no to Emily, not for long at least. Everyone assumes that she runs their relationship, but what they don’t know is that Emily _owns_ her. Like _really_ owns her. Like wrapped around her little finger, would do anything in the world for this woman owns her. 

She makes her way through the crowd, down the stairs, until she’s leaning over the concrete barrier staring at that small smile and big dimple. Kelley’s eyes shift up to Emily’s, because staring at her lips makes her want to kiss Emily. Everything Kelley has ever wanted is in those eyes. Everything she’s ever needed is staring right back at her.   
  
Emily reaches up for her, and Kelley thinks it’s for a hug. She leans in, but Emily’s hands shoot up to her face, cupping it. And then one hand moves to the back of Kelley’s neck. Emily plays with her curls for a second, as if she’s thinking about something, and Kelley just waits, mesmerized. And then, Emily pulls Kelley the rest of the way to her, and kisses her tenderly.

Like no one is watching.

Except it’s in front of the whole world. 

When she wakes up, it’s 4:27 am. She’s feels warm and cuddly, almost like Emily’s with her even though she’s not - for now - and she thinks that maybe she’s finally found some peace with all of this.

* * *

**August, 2020**

Two weeks later, they win Olympic gold. Emily didn’t let a single goal come from her side all tournament.

The image of Emily walking up to her at the after-party is burned into Kelley’s mind. She’s got on ripped jeans and an Olympic Champs t-shirt. She’s holding one hand up, fingers spread out in the number 5 - for the team’s fifth gold medal, and maybe for their shared number, too. Her mouth is wide open in this silent excited scream. In her other hand is her gold medal. She’s holding it out away from her body for Kelley to see. Kelley hugs her so hard, and they sway back and forth for a minute before Kelley lets go and pushes Emily back a bit so she can kiss her. And they _kiss_. It’s long and deep and so full of want, Kelley’s fingers tangled up in Emily’s bun and Emily’s hands pulling Kelley to her by the hips. They kiss until Tobin pushes them as she walks by, telling them to get a room. Kelley laughs and Emily hides in her shoulder. She still blushes at these kinds of things. “I’m so fucking proud of you, baby,” Kelley whispers into Emily’s ear.

* * *

  
Later that night, they do get a room. Well they go to Kelley’s room, but same same. Kelley has plans to show Emily just how proud she is, and maybe how much she missed Emily, too. Kelley had only had a couple of drinks. She wanted to be sober for this. She doesn’t even think Emily had more than her single glass of champagne. They’re both completely here and present in this moment.   
  
Kelley intertwines her fingers with Emily’s standing up on her tippy toes to softly kiss Emily’s cheek. “Hi. I missed you.”

”I missed you too,” Emily smiles down at her. “So much.”

Kelley lets her fingers find their way under Emily’s shirt, never taking her eyes off of Emily’s. Emily’s abs tense under the touch. It’s been over a month since they’ve been with each other like this. “Are you too tired?” Kelley asks slyly, knowing full well what the answer is. But she wants to hear it.

”No,” Emily shakes her head emphatically. 

“Good,” Kelley smiles, lifting Emily’s shirt above her head. It gets stuck on the medal still around Emily’s neck.   
  
Emily rushes to take the medal off, face turning red. She doesn’t want it to be a reminder of what Kelley missed out on today.

Except Kelley doesn’t feel like she missed out on anything. She feels like she lived every minute of it, just through her girlfriend’s eyes this time instead of her own. It was even better this time around, she thinks. And she meant what she said to Emily earlier - she was _so_ fucking proud of her. She really does feel at peace, like she finally has some closure.   
  
And now she was going to have something else. Or rather someone.

”Leave it,” Kelley whispers. “You won that. It doesn’t come off.” Kelley finally manages to wriggle Emily’s shirt off over her head, leaving the medal intact. Kelley lays her down gently on the bed. But she doesn’t fall into bed with her. Instead, she stands at the foot of the bed and Emily props herself up in anticipation. Kelley undresses, slowly, one piece of clothing at a time. “You deserve this,” she tells Emily in her best sultry voice, swaying her naked hips from side to side for her girlfriend, twirling so Emily can take her all in.

“Come here,” Emily whines, and Kelley obliges. She falls down over Emily and allows her hand to drift down over Emily’s bra, feeling the hardness of Emily’s nipples. Emily squirms under Kelley’s light touch, and Kelley loves it. She helps Emily out of her sports bra. “You did that, baby,” she leans over and whispers into Emily’s ear as she plays with the medal resting on Emily’s chest. Emily shivers. Kelley moves to take Emily’s jeans and boy shorts off. 

Kelley pulls herself back down onto Emily, grinding against Emily’s muscular thigh. Emily’s hands shoot for Kelley’s hips, hanging on as Kelley moves against her. “You’re so good, _so_ good,” Kelley says. And the way she says it, all throaty and raspy and low, sends Emily - she has to bite her lip to hold back. Kelley continues working herself up against Emily, but she slides her hand down to her own clit to move things along. Emily tosses Kelley’s hand aside, taking over, rubbing into Kelley’s clit with her thumb. 

Kelley’s head is thrown back revealing her flushed chest, and that color is creeping up into her neck. Her abs are rippling with each movement forward. In this moment, with her girlfriend moaning in pleasure against her, Emily has to remind herself that this is real life, Kelley is hers. She got the girl she never dreamed she could get. And Kelley loves her and she loves Kelley, and maybe it’s forever. And Kelley is _so_ fucking hot as she comes on Emily’s thigh, leaving it slippery and glistening. She collapses into Emily’s chest in a mess of sweat and stickiness and heavy breathing. “ _You_ did that, baby. _So_. Fucking. Good,” she croaks out between kisses to Emily’s bare chest, as she squeezes herself around Emily’s thigh, trying to come back down.

But tonight is about Emily. Kelley was just trying to turn her on, get her going, reward her with a bit of a show. She knows how much Emily likes to watch her as she moves, how wet Emily gets when she can watch Kelley cum. She slides hand down between Emily’s legs, feeling Emily’s wetness. “Did you like that baby? Do I make you wet.”

When Kelley talks to Emily in bed, it just _does_ things to Emily. Emily nods, three short, quick nods in affirmation. She wants to make Emily beg for Kelley to fuck her, but she won’t, not tonight at least. “I’m gonna fuck you,” Kelley whispers into Emily’s ear, and Emily moans in anticipation into Kelley’s chest. Kelley slides two fingers inside Emily, curling them and allowing Emily to push into her palm. 

“Oh God, _Kell_.”

Kelley knows it’s not going to take much, not with Emily as worked up as she is already. She thinks about pulling back and drawing this out, but she doesn’t want to tease Emily, so she picks up her pace until she feels Emily’s cum fill her hand and drip down between Emily’s thighs. Emily wraps her legs around Kelley’s waist, pulling her close until she’s done. Kelley lifts her fingers to her mouth, tasting Emily, sucking her juices off. “I almost forgot how good you taste, baby.”

But Kelley’s not done with Emily. She’ll give her time to recover, but she’s not done. She licks the tendon on the side of Emily’s neck all the way up to her ear. She flicks her tongue inside Emily’s ear, eliciting a quiet moan, and then slowly, purposefully, kisses her way down Emily’s chest and stomach. Kelley runs her fingers over Emily’s nipples, dragging them along her ribs, tracing her v-line, and kisses down one inner thigh and up the other. She tentatively licks through Emily’s folds and around her opening, before placing a soft kiss on Emily’s clit, making sure she’s not still too sensitive. Emily’s squirms underneath her, wanting more. Kelley isn’t going to deny her tonight. She stiffens her tongue, licking up and back down a few times before settling in on Emily’s clit, with circles and light sucks, and harder, faster flicks. Emily’s hands are in Kelley’s hair, her knees are bent with her legs in the air, and Kelley has reached up to play with one of Emily’s nipples as Emily curls up towards her, watching as Kelley works. Emily’s head falls back and she pulls Kelley into her, and just like that, she’s cumming again and it’s dripping down Kelley’s chin and Kelley is in heaven.

Kelley kisses all around Emily, bringing her back down, letting the rapid rise and fall of her chest slow as she runs her hand across her girlfriend’s naked body. When she is sufficiently assured that Emily has recovered, she starts again, slowly licking, then adding more pressure and speed, tweaking Emily’s other nipple between her fingers. “Inside,” Emily begs, and Kelley slides her hand back down, letting her fingers slip in, but doesn’t let up with her tongue. She uses her other hand to press down on Emily’s stomach, against where’s she fingering her g-spot, and Emily’s so far gone now she can’t even think. 

“Don’t stop,” Emily begs.

Kelley wouldn’t dream of it. Her fingers are curling inside Emily, her tongue is attacking Emily’s clit now, and Emily is arching her back, so close. Kelley’s lungs are of fire, but she doesn’t dare take even the quickest of breaths, lest it break what she has going with Emily.

Emily squirts as she lets out a string of curse words, unable to contain herself any longer, and Kelley smiles into her thigh. She did that. She gives it a moment, then kisses Emily’s inner thigh again, before settling on her girlfriend’s chest. Emily is spent, but she wraps one arm around Kelley, softly rubbing her back.

Kelley relaxes into her, totally, completely in love. “I love you, Em,” she says into the silence. “So much.” 

They’re both drifting off to sleep, but Kelley swears she hears Emily murmur something under her breath.   
  


“Enough to spend the rest of your life with me?”

But she’s not sure if she heard Emily right, and a spilt second later, Emily is saying “I love you, too,” clear enough and loud enough that there is no mistaking it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @me about things, because I write for the comments. But don’t @me about the Olympic roster. Because... fiction! KO’s gonna be there when it matters, irl.


	6. Let Me Remind You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s about that time... to move in together.

_ Let me remind you, when we first met  
_ _ Do you remember ‘cause I will never forget   
_ _ The way you held my hand,   
_ _ The way you held the door,  
_ _ The way you held me no one’s ever held me before.  
_ _ When I wake, your face shines above me  
_ _ No morning breaking like waves when you love me  
_ _ Pulling me in all over again _

** October, 2020 **

“Move in with me.”Kelley and Emily are walking back, hand in hand, to Emily’s condo in Portland after dinner.The 2020 NWSL season has ended - Portland claiming a third star for their badge. And Kelley’s there visiting Sonnett before they move back to Atlanta for the off-season. “Just for the off-season,” Kelley quickly adds, noticing how Emily’s hand stiffened in hers the moment she said those words.

Emily looks shocked by the statement; it certainly wasn’t a question. She turns her head to glance at Kelley briefly, mostly just to see if Kelley’s serious, but they keep on walking, without Emily saying a word.

And now Kelley’s a little bit embarrassed and she should be a _lotta bit_ regretting it, because Emily’s reaction was _not_ what she wanted (although her reaction is maybe what Kelley should have _expected_ ), but she’s _not_ regretting it. Because she _means_ it. She wants Emily to move in with her. Even if it’s just for a couple of months. It being a couple of months should make Emily _more_ likely to say yes.Because it’s not forever.

Kelley decides a practical approach might be best.“I mean, there’s no point in us paying for two separate apartments when you know we’ll end up at each other’s place almost every night anyway. And we’ll be training together so we won’t have to take separate cars.Better for the environment.”

Kelley’s not wrong, Emily tells herself. And it has been almost a year since they started... not dating... but sleeping together... and that was almost the same thing, right?At least the way they did it. And... if you add those months to the months they’ve actually been a couple, it’s totally a year. 

Almost. 

In like another two months. 

And they are in love.

And Emily can’t envision herself spending her life with anyone else.

But...

It’s as if Kelley can read Emily’s mind. “I know you need your space.I know you can’t be on all the time.But you don’t have to be on with me, Em.We can just _be_.We can lay around and do nothing and not talk, and that’s ok.Or I can leave and get out of your hair when you need me to.I won’t smother you.”Kelley sounds so dejected when she says that last sentence.

But it’s not that Kelley’s going to bother Emily, or smother her, it’s just that Emily’s actually a bit of an introvert even though most people don’t realize it.Even though most people wouldn’t believe her if she said it. So she never bothers to say it.

When she’s on, she’s on, and she’s the life of the party, the bright spot in the room.And she’s on - a lot - because humor was how she learned to deal with her anxiety in school.But it emotionally drains her. She needs her time alone. It’s why she refused to live with Lindsey in Portland, even though they could have saved money.And even when Sonnett had a huge crush on her.Or according to Kelley, was in _love_ with her.See, Emily needs quiet downtime to recuperate almost as much as she needs oxygen to breathe.

But she also needs Kelley - needs to be close to her.Needs to smell her shampoo and feel her warmth.Needs to see the way her eyes sparkle and hear her as she hums to herself as she tidies her apartment. Or Emily’s apartment. Doesn’t matter whose, she’s always tidying up.And Emily needs to taste her lips.Every day.Multiple times a day.To make up for all the time they’re apart.

And damnit, she _really_ loves Kelley, so this is something she shouldn’t even have to think about.

Kelley senses her hesitation.It’s causing a sinking feeling in her gut, but she starts in with logic again.“It’s just for the off-season,” she reminds, not meaning to sound so whiny. As if pointing out that it’s not forever might sway Emily.But then she stops in her tracks right at the top of the hill they just walked up, and turns towards Emily, taking both of her hands. 

She doesn’t want Emily to move in with her out of convenience. “Goddamnit, Emily Sonnett, I love you. I’m in love with you! Do I have to remind you of that?”

At just that moment, the skies open up in a warm-for-Portland-in-October drenching rain. “Fuuuckkk!” Kelley screams, cursing the sky and the gods and herself for saying they should walk back instead of Uber-ing because it was a nice night. And she uses it to get all of her frustration at the situation and life out. She turns to run the last half mile back to Emily’s home, because she can cover the distance in just a few minutes.

Emily has caught up to her in only a few steps, grabbing her in the middle of the street to stop her. Kelley tries to pull away, because she’s upset and also because it’s freaking raining, but Emily just pulls her in closer, hugging Kelley tightly around the shoulders. 

“I know that, Kell,” Emily says into her ear, as even-keel as she always is when they’re alone.

“Well then?” Kelley’s voice sounds small.

“You do realize I never said no, right?”

Kelley kinda _didn’t_ realize that. The silence sounded _exactly_ like a no to her.

“Well then say yes?” _Now_ it’s a question.

”Dance with me,” is Emily’s non-committal response.

“Here? Are you insane?  Sonny, we’re getting soaked. Let’s go.”

”We’re already wet. Can’t get any wetter.”

Normally, Kelley would have jumped in here with a quip about being wet, but she doesn’t. And it makes Emily realize that Kelley really is upset.  


“Baby.” Emily wipes away some of the droplets falling into Kelley’s eyes and then places her arms around Kelley’s waist. “It’s not often that you get a chance to dance in the rain.”

”You live in a temperate rainforest. You probably have plenty of chances,” Kelley mumbles, putting that Stanford education of hers to use.   
  
“But not with you, so it doesn’t count.”

And with that, Kelley reaches up around Emily’s neck and rests her head on Emily’s shoulder. Emily always knows how to use her words to make Kelley feel better.  


Emily leads her to an imaginary rhythm as if she has a song in her head.  “When we get back home in a couple of days, we’ll go look at apartments together,” she promises.It’s not a no.

* * *

  
**October, 2021**

Both the Royals and the Thorns end their seasons disappointing early. Heading back to Atlanta in the off-season, Kelley doesn’t even have to ask if Emily will move in with her anymore. It’s a given.Now the only decision is a house or an apartment.

They go with a month-to-month apartment lease, with an agreement: if they get what they’ve requested and both get picked up by Atlanta in the off-season, they’ll buy a house together. “Another business transaction,” Emily jokes, and Kelley smacks her arm because it is _not_ funny. But Emily thinks it’s what Kelley deserves for thinking a friends with benefits situation could ever work.

* * *

They’re cuddled up on the couch, Kelley’s head in Emily’s lap, watching the Tottenham-Brighton game. Emily made a rule the first off-season she spent with Kelley, when they were still just “friends,” and Emily was allowed to make arbitrary rules. If Kelley wanted Emily to watch the Spurs with her, Kelley had to lay down on the couch and get a massage - scalp, hands, feet - didn’t matter.Just something to prevent her from having what Emily feared was an inevitable stroke during the games. Otherwise, she was up pacing the room, yelling at the TV, agitated and way too fired up for something Emily deemed unimportant.   


Emily’s phone rings, interrupting their peaceful Saturday morning. It’s out of reach on the coffee table and Kelley grumbles “Don’t answer,” as Emily moves out from under her. Kelley has grown to love these moments; she’d much rather have Emily’s fingers running through her hair than be cursing at the TV anyway. Emily answers the phone and absentmindedly meanders through their apartment, opening the sliding glass door, and stepping out on the balcony. 

When she comes back in a few minutes later, Kelley doesn’t know what to make of the deep creases on Emily’s face combined with the twinkle in her eyes, doesn’t know why Emily would have not-so-casually stepped outside to take the call.

“Who was it?” Kelley asks, trying her best to be just as casual.

“Mark,” Emily replies, sitting down on the coffee table and blocking Kelley’s view of the TV, but Kelley doesn’t care. “It’s off the record,” Emily starts, “but there was an owners and coaches meeting today.Atlanta is going to take me as one of their two National Team players for the 2022 season.”Emily seems like she’s still in shock.

“Baby, that’s great news!” Kelley shouts, sitting up to hug her.

And it is. It’s what Emily wanted. She knew Mark was going to protect Lindsey, but when he had called Sonnett into his office to tell her he was going to protect her over Tobin, well, Emily was both shocked and upset.See, even now that she has cemented herself as one of the top outside backs in the world, Emily still doesn’t see it, doesn’t believe it.She never imagined Mark would protect her over Tobin. And that forced her to have to beg him _not_ to, to tell him that she wants to leave her beloved Portland to go back home. So Mark promised her that he would do his best to steer Atlanta FC towards her if that’s what she wanted.

It was absolutely what she wanted.

But now Kelley’s situation is still up in the air, and that worries Emily, the possibility that she would leave Portland for Atlanta and Kelley wouldn’t get to come with her. 

But they don’t have long to think about it.Kelley’s phone rings - it’s Laura.

Kelley had to have a similar conversation with Laura about a month ago. She wasn’t allocated anymore, but Laura was certainly planning on protecting Kelley as one of her 9.Until Kelley asked her not to.

“I did it, O’Hara.” Laura’s voice sounds distant, sad.“I got it worked out.You’ll be playing in Atlanta next season.”

Kelley can’t believe what she’s hearing, but she carefully hides the excitement on her face.“How?” she asks.

“Atlanta gave up a draft pick to Washington, and we got Staab.To replace you.Not that she can replace you, but... it’s done.”

“Ok.Ok.Thanks for letting me know.”Kelley will thank her profusely later, when Emily’s not around.

Emily’s face is so expectant, the worry lines deeper. “Well?” she asks hoarsely.

“We’re gonna need a real estate agent,” Kelley grins.

* * *

When they pull up behind their realtor in front of a house in Marietta, Emily gasps.The house is white with blue trim and shutters, with a big wrap-around front porch for rocking chairs, and a white picket fence. And the lawn is expansive, backing up to woods.Emily knows it’s the one right away, but she keeps that to herself until they get inside. Just to be sure. And so Kelley thinks she has a say.

Inside is just as perfect.The original hardwood floors have been refinished.There’s a wood-burning fireplace and a claw foot tub.And three bedrooms. Plus an office. Not to mention a gourmet kitchen for Emily’s vegetarian chef.

Kelley turns to her. “I like the kitchen. But the house is just too big.” And then, slightly frustrated, and through clenched teeth, she leans forward and whispers to Emily, “I don’t know why she keeps showing us places with three bedrooms. I told her we wanted a two-bedroom house.” Kelley’s frustrated. It’s like the sixth house they’ve seen today, only one of them meeting her requested criteria, and Kelley’s over it even though this was her idea.

Except Emily had told their realtor that they wanted a three-bedroom place.So... oops?

Emily asks the realtor to give them a moment, and she takes Kelley by the hand, leading her back to the master bedroom with its big picture windows and natural lighting.They stand there, looking out into the backyard.“It’s perfect, Kell.”Her voice is soft and Kelley hears something in it that she can’t describe, but it’s something she only hears when Emily has something really important to say.

Kelley can’t imagine what that is, so she ignores it.“It’s too damn big.It’s an extra bedroom that’ll need dusting and-“

“We’ll hire a maid,” Emily interrupts. Emily _never_ interrupts her.

Kelley shoots her a look.“And like I was saying, the yard is way too big.Like what the fuck, Em?I’m not mowing that! Why did she even bring us here?”

“Because it’s perfect,” Emily repeats and Kelley turns to look at her this time.She takes both of Kelley’s hands in hers so that they’re facing each other.“We can get a riding lawnmower or a lawn guy,but...” Emily hesitates like she doesn’t want to say something, but she _wants_ to say something. “We need three bedrooms. For our kids. And this yard, think of all the exploring they can do! Especially with the woods back there. The street is so quiet and I read about this neighborhood. It’s like, really safe.This is where I want to raise our kids, Kell.”

_ Our kids? _

_ Our. Kids. _

Kelley lets that sink in. It’s not like she doesn’t  _ want  _ to have kids with Emily.  _ Sometime. Far  _ in the future, but like,  _ what the fuck?_

And technically, it’s not like they haven’t talked about it before, but it’s just that it’s always been, well, jokes.Emily making comments like “I hope our kids don’t get your attitude,” or “when we have a daughter and she’s got your sass, you’ll see.” Those talks always ended with Kelley tackling Emily onto the bed or the couch and sometimes onto the floor, and tickling Emily until she relented and confessed that she really wanted their kids to end up exactly like Kelley. Because she loves Kelley so much, just the way she is, and there would be nothing better than having mini-Kelleys running around.

But this seems different. _Way_ different. And Kelley doesn’t know how to respond. Staring into those eyes makes it even harder for her to form words. She feels like her breath is caught in her chest for a moment.But she forces herself to recover. “You pregnant Sonnett?Something you wanna tell me?” she jokes, breaking the tension.

“No,” Emily shakes her head, not laughing, but also not mad.She pulls Kelley forward to press their foreheads together. “I wanna have babies with you, Kell.”

Kelley’s mouth is dry and she almost chokes. But she also feels like maybe something is wrong with her because she’s older than Emily. Shouldn’t it be _her_ biological clock ticking? Not her girlfriend’s?

“Not right now.Breathe, baby, before you pass out.” Emily’s voice is soothing and calm, like she’s not even affected by Kelley’s less-than-stellar reaction to her endorsement of their love. “I’m not having babies out of wedlock. I’m a God-fearing woman. We’ve got awhile.”

But do they? Have awhile? Kelley’s not getting any younger... 

She regains her composure. “So you’ll fuck me out of wedlock.And move in with me out of wedlock. But no bastard children? Noted.” 

“Kelley! Stop being so crude.” But she’s got Emily laughing.

Kelley raises her eyebrows. “Well it’s the truth.” She stares at Emily for a beat longer, then kisses her softly. “This is really the house you want?” Emily nods. “You’re positive? You don’t want to keep looking?”

”So positive. This is the house I want to start our family in. When you know, you know. Kinda like with you. I knew there was no one else for me. You were _it_.”

Now how’s Kelley supposed to say no to that? ”Yeah, yeah, you knew and you just didn’t tell me. Riiight.”

”I’m a rule-follower, what can I say? Just had to wait for you to break ‘em. I knew you would. Knew that, too.”

”You seem to know a lot for someone who went to a very _average_ university, Kelley teases her and Emily shrugs. She doesn’t have to say anything else; she already knows she’s won. And Kelley knows it too. See, Emily _seems_ impulsive, but she’s actually not. She has this rare ability to trust her gut, and once she gets a feeling, that’s it for her; there’s no changing her mind. Apparently, Emily has a feeling about this house, and Kelley can’t think of a single time when Emily’s gut feelings have been off-base.

  
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Kelley grumbles, shaking her head as she pulls Emily back to the kitchen. Their realtor is propped against a counter, tapping away at her phone. “Let’s put an offer in,” Kelley tells her.And Emily jumps into Kelley’s arms, almost knocking her down.

Truthfully, Kelley’s not even a little mad about moving forward with this house if it means that she’s going to get to fall asleep next to Emily and wake up next to Emily and be all domestic for Emily everyday for the rest of their lives. 

* * *

”Hey, Kell, I’m gonna go run an errand, k?”   
  


Kelley looks up at Emily, visibly annoyed. “You’re gonna leave me here. To pack. By myself?” she whines. They’ve been packing all day, and honestly there’s not a lot left. It’s not like they have a ton of stuff anyway. Years of moving around has forced both of them to be selective about what they buy and what they _really_ need. Plus, some of it’s already in boxes in storage, from when they came back to Atlanta from Portland and Utah and combined their apartments into this one-bedroom. “Why did we let them agree to a fast close?” she complains.

”You’ll be fine,” Emily assures her. “And I’m sure you can find some way to for me to make it up to you tonight.” Emily bends over and kisses Kelley on the top of her head.

”Fine, but I’m saving something for you to do, I’m not finishing,” Kelley grumbles. “And I already know how you’re going to make it up to me,” she adds with a wink. “Bye.” 

Kelley wants to know where Emily’s going, what she’s doing, but she stops herself from asking. She knows she _could_ ask, and Emily would probably tell her, but she promised Emily, when they first moved in together for the off-season last year, that she wouldn’t smother her. So Kelley tries really hard not to. Most of the time, Emily goes for a jog, or takes a book and gets coffee. But today... today Emily was dressed up when she left. In a sweater - like a girl sweater - and slacks that Kelley didn’t even know Emily owned.

It stresses her out not to know, in a way that makes her wonder how she ever made it long at all in her other relationships when she was away so much of the time, when she had no idea what her ex-partners were doing. 

But Emily is different. Not that Kelley doesn’t trust her, but that she gets lonely when Emily’s not around. Emily completes her. And she knows in the back of her head that she’s not supposed to need someone to complete her, she’s supposed to be a complete person all by herself, it’s just... she’s not. And she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do about it.

She grabs a beer out of the fridge and plops down on the couch, content to scroll through Instagram and Twitter for awhile. When she’s done with that and Emily’s still not back, she opens another beer goes out on their balcony, watching the people come and go. And maybe watching for Emily. Next comes another beer and some home improvement show that she’s not paying attention to. She’s supposed to be packing, but sometimes it’s hard for her to do things on her own. She never used to feel like that, but now she does sometimes, like she can’t get motivated to do anything. Four beers in, she decides she sufficiently buzzed enough to not be annoyed with having to box up dishes and glassware.   
  
She probably should have left that for Emily, at least left the stuff on the top shelf, but Kelley is stubborn, and she’d rather do it herself. And do it without getting a stool, which seems like far too much work. At this point, if Emily were here, she’d make a comment about their future children being stubborn like Kelley, and then she’d gently move her aside and reach up and get whatever Kelley was grabbing at. But Emily’s still not home, so Kelley continuously jumps and boosts herself up on the counter with one arm, swiping at the wine glasses with the other until she is able to grab them. Except she swipes at one of them and it falls to the ground shattering.   
  


Kelley steps backwards, and she should have known better. A large shard of glass pierces her foot, sending a sharp pain through her heel and a loud expletive out of her mouth. She’s bleeding on their kitchen floor. And of course, Emily chooses that moment to come home.   
  
Emily rushes to her as soon as she sees the blood. She swoops Kelley into her arms, lifting her over the glass, and sets her down on the kitchen table. She pulls out the small piece of glass still stuck in Kelley’s foot and looks up at Kelley’s eyes, silently asking what happened. 

Kelley just sighs. “I couldn’t reach the wine glasses. And you weren’t home. I was trying to pack.”

Emily eyes the four empty bottles sitting on their counter, the bottles that Kelley hadn’t hidden in the recycling bin yet. She bites the inside of her cheek, but doesn’t say anything. Instead, she hands Kelley a wad of paper towels so she can apply pressure and stop the bleeding, and heads to their medicine cabinet, retrieving bandages and peroxide and an antibacterial ointment. She returns to take care of Kelley’s foot, without a word, and then carries her to the couch.   
  
“I’ll finish up,” she says, handing Kelley the remote. “I just wish-“ Emily breathes out hard. “I just wish you’d be more careful.” It’s not what she wants to say but she can’t say what she _wants_ to say.   
  
Kelley’s not oblivious to the sadness in Emily’s voice. On the contrary, she is keenly aware of it, but she doesn’t bring it up because she assumes it has to do with her drinking, not where Emily disappeared to for a few hours. Kelley couldn’t be more wrong.

* * *

Two days later, Emily and Kelley are standing on the front porch of their new house, watching movers bring it boxes of their belongings and pieces of new furniture they purchased together. Emily keeps going out to help carry things and Kelley keeps having to remind her that they’re paying people to do this and that she can relax. Or start unpacking if she needs something to do. The beer and bloody foot incident seem all but forgotten, just a blip on the radar.

When everything’s inside and all the hired help has gone, with the sun setting low in the sky, Emily finally can carry Kelley over the threshold of their new home, because with their belongings inside, it’s finally starting to feel like theirs.

Despite Kelley’s half-hearted protests, Emily carries Kelley all the way to their new bedroom with their new, bigger bed, and lays her down. The way her hair fans out, the way her green eyes stare up at Emily, well it almost makes her forget the news she got the other day.

Almost.   
  
If Kelley were perceptive enough, and not equally as lost in Emily’s eyes...

...not anticipating Emily unbuttoning her flannel shirt...

...not thinking about running her hands all over Emily’s well-muscled back as she hovers above her, dropping perfectly placed kisses on all of Kelley’s ticklish spots...

...well maybe Kelley would have picked up on the hint of worry darkening Emily’s eyes. That disappointment that Emily hides so well.

“Welcome home, baby.” Kelley reaches up and traces Emily’s cheek with her fingertips until Emily kisses her palm. “I hope this is everything you want.”

Emily knows it will be. 

Eventually.   
  
Hopefully.

Kelley wakes up the next morning to Emily smiling above her. They’re naked, tangled in the sheets. It feels warm and perfect and Kelley is struggling to remember a time that Emily’s ever looked so good. It’s the light steaming in through their big windows, casting a glow in Emily’s hair, brightening up the color in her cheeks.

”God, you’re beautiful,” Kelley murmurs, bringing an even bigger smile to Emily's lips. Kelley reaches up to touch her dimple. 

“So are you, baby. But can we get curtains? Pleeeasssee. I don’t wanna wake up this early when we don’t have to.”

Kelley laughs. “You know, I was going to suggest curtains, but now... not a chance. I’m determined to make you a morning person and I think this will do the trick. Besides, you look too good in this light. In fact... you look so good that I need to see all of you in this light, I think.”

Emily shakes her head, playing hard to get. As if she would ever deny Kelley.

”Pleeeasssee?” Kelley begs her.

”Not a chance,” Emily retorts before Kelley throws off the covers and rolls her over. She takes in the beauty that is Emily Sonnett. Naked. In their bed. In _their_ house. “We’re never getting curtains,” Kelley says with grand satisfaction.

Emily pulls Kelley down on top of her, attacking her neck and tickling her ribs, in a fit of laughter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dancing in the rain may end up being a frivolous detail or it might end up being important. I haven’t decided yet. So it’s in here just in case. I am having complicated musical thoughts.


	7. Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily’s just a girl on her knees.

_If words could make it real_  
 _I'd tell you how I feel_  
 _Instead I'm waiting here on my knees love_  
 _I know how it feels to breathe_  
 _With you beside me_  
 _I think about it always  
_ _Tonight, tonight, tonight  
_ _I'm waiting for,  
_ _Waiting for the night  
_ _Tonight, tonight, tonight_

  
**November, 2021**

“Kell, we’re gonna be late,” Emily half-heartedly complains as she feels Kelley’s arms wrap around her midsection, and Kelley’s nakednessed press up against hers. Kelley’s hands climb from Emily’s stomach higher, taking Emily’s small, firm breasts into her hands. "Fuck,” Emily moans into the silence of their bedroom.

“It’s not my fault, you know,” Kelley says between planting tender kisses along Emily’s shoulders. “You’re naked. How am I supposed to resist you?” The last kiss, up behind Emily’s ear, sends a shiver down her spine, a shiver that carries over into Kelley.

Emily knows that statement is kind of untrue. Kelley _can_ resist her. They really hadn’t been having sex at all, for awhile, until they moved into their new house last month. Things changed then, and it seemed like Kelley was determined to have Emily in every room, on every surface, but before that? Well... Emily knew Kelley could resist her because Kelley _had_ resisted her. Kelley had turned to sleep instead of Emily, to running instead of Emily, to beer instead of Emily...

But their new house, away from the city, with its airy feel and brightly lit rooms and all the decorating that needed to be done, seemed to have helped Kelley out of whatever funk she had been in.

Kelley’s hand drifting south snaps Emily out of her own head. “Kell,” she whines, “I’m trying to get ready.”

”Shhh. We’re staying there for _days_. We can be late.”

”It’s your family, so if you insist...”

”I insist,” Kelley assures her.”

That settles it. 

Emily takes a few steps back, pushing Kelley with her, until they topple on the bed, leaving Kelley in a fit of giggles. Emily rolls over and slides off of Kelley, and onto the floor beside the bed. She grabs Kelley’s thighs and pulls Kelley towards her, until Kelley is mere inches from her mouth. “What are you doing?” Kelley laughs, propping herself up so she can see Emily. She reaches down to tussle Emily’s hair.

”One of the few things I’m good at,” Emily responds before she licks her lips.

”You’re good at a lot of things, Em,” Kelley says softly, sitting up more to caress Emily’s face. But when Emily runs her tongue between Kelley’s already slippery lips, Kelley falls back into their pillowy bed. “Fuck. Ok. Yeah, you’re _really_ good at this though. One of the best.”

” _One_ of the best? One?” Emily says incredulously. She raises an eyebrow and stops midway through a second pass with her tongue, leaving Kelley squirming. 

“ _The_ best. _Definitely_ the best, baby. So good.”

”Mmmm.” Emily’s not convinced. 

“So how many orgasms would it take exactly? To prove I’m the best.”

”Em...”

”No, I’m serious. How many? You always tell me to be great, but I wanna be the _best_. Best you’ve ever had.”

”Em, you are the best,” Kelley rolls her eyes, pulling Emily towards her, needing to feel Emily’s tongue against her again.

”How many, Miss Kelley?” Emily’s voice is deeper and serious, with a hint of deference. She’s not going to let it go. Kelley knows this. And Emily knows exactly what it does to Kelley when she calls her Miss Kelley.

”Fuuucckkk. Five?” Kelley croaks out, bucking her hips toward Emily’s face.

Emily chuffs. “Not a beginner.”

”Shit, Em, just fuck me already.” But Emily doesn’t budge, instead she breathes against Kelley’s center, nothing more. “A dozen,” Kelley moans.

”We’re gonna do better than that.” Emily says with supreme confidence. She runs a finger through Kelley’s folds, around her opening, and back up to her clit, and Kelley melts into her. “And we’re gonna be very late. You’re gonna have to apologize... and think up an excuse...”

Kelley can’t take it anymore. She sits up halfway, grabs Emily’s head roughly, and pulls it the rest of the way to her. Emily smiles against her girlfriend and gets to work, with Kelley watching.   
  
Because Kelley loves watching Emily fuck her.

Especially when Emily’s on her knees.

* * *

Thanksgiving at the O’Hara residence is always a big to-do. And Kelley’s mom insisted that they get there several days in advance to help with preparations - the turkey needs brining, the biscuits and cornbread need time to sufficiently dry out, pecans need to be shelled. Karen is intent on Kelley (and Emily) learning and eventually taking over hosting the family meal, complete with the good old southern recipes that have been passed down for generations. Emily figures Kelley can learn; she can help by _not_ cooking, watching and playing football with Jerry instead. It’ll be better for everybody that way, she is sure.   
  
Truthfully though, Emily is dreading going. The last time she had been in Peachtree City, things had _not_ gone according to plan. She left Kelley’s childhood house disappointed and embarrassed, and at a loss for what to do next. The thought of returning is causing Emily’s anxiety to bubble up to a level that she fears she can’t control. 

Her knee taps uncontrollably during the almost hour-long drive from their home in Marietta. Kelley keeps eyeing her, then rests her hand on Emily’s knee. And when that doesn’t work, Kelley grabs Emily’s hand and demands to know what’s wrong. Emily mutters some excuse about holidays and crowded gathering making her nervous, and Kelley buys it. It’s believable; Emily isn’t a huge fan of crowds, especially crowds where she can’t sing and dance her way into everyone’s hearts.

But the truth is, the thought of seeing Dan is behind Emily’s anxiety and nerves.

* * *

The very important “errand” that Emily had to get so dressed up for last month was a trip out to Peachtree to ask Dan for Kelley’s hand in marriage.   
  
It probably wasn’t important to Kelley that Emily have his blessing, but it was _very_ important to Emily. Emily is wild and crazy and funny, but she is also as traditional as they come. And she was not going to go into something as important as marriage without Kelley’s parents being ok with it. Emily had to do this right.

So she sat down with Dan on the back porch while he smoked a cigar, and she told him how she had fallen completely in love with Kelley over the past two years, how she had never known true love until Kelley, and she promised never to hurt Kelley. Then she ended her long-winded, ramble-y, unprepared speech with, “So Mr. O’Hara, I was wondering if I could have your blessing to propose to your daughter?”

And then? 

Well then he had said no. Well not exactly that singular word. But basically.

Emily thought her chin might have hit the floor, but she’s not sure because when he said he wasn’t sure he could give her his blessing, it felt like she went into shock. In a million years, she could not have guessed that _that_ would have been his response.

Dan had told Emily that he loved his daughter and he loved her, but he just wasn’t able to wrap his head around Kelley marrying a woman. He couldn’t reconcile what he had been taught in church with what his daughter had been trying to teach him about love. He wouldn’t know how to tell his friends, neighbors, coworkers, extended family members. He said he couldn’t fathom Kelley and Emily having children together. The threatened loss of those expectations he had had for Kelley since birth overwhelmed him. He just wasn’t ready. He didn’t know if he’d ever be ready. He said that it’s hard to rewire the brain of an old person.

So he said no. Pretty much. 

And Emily, as composed as ever, had thanked him for his time. Then she shook his hand and saw herself out.   
  


Karen caught her right outside the front door. Bless Karen for being the nosy person she was. While Emily and Dan had talked outside, she sat inside at the kitchen table, listening to their entire conversation through an open window. “It’s not a no, honey.” Karen assured her, “It’s just a not yet. Give him time. He’ll come around. He loves her too much not to.”

Emily wasn’t so sure. 

So Emily went home to Kelley and hid the ring back inside one of her shoes so Kelley wouldn’t find it when they moved, and she acted like nothing had happened. Because what other choice did she have? Was she supposed to say? “Hey, Kell. I want to marry you but your dad said no so I guess we can’t.”? She couldn’t say anything because it would destroy Kelley’s relationship with her him. Kelley didn’t need more on her plate. Not right now. And she couldn’t say anything because Kelley would want to get married anyway. Without his blessing. She couldn’t even let on that she was upset. So Emily buried her feelings. 

She was pretty good at that. She'd done it her whole life.

* * *

But those emotions were clawing their way to the surface now on the car ride, refusing to stay in that deep dark place where Emily had left them. And they continued trying to dig their way out of their grave repeatedly over the next few days. So much so that Kelley was on the verge of really confronting Emily about what was going on because it was so obvious that it wasn’t “nothing” like Emily kept saying it was and that Emily wasn’t “fine” like she kept promising she was.

* * *

  
After Thanksgiving lunch, Dan asks Emily to go for a walk with him. Kelley eyes then suspiciously, until a gentle hand on her shoulder, her mother’s, tells her to let them be. Emily doesn’t have a choice but to say yes, even though she isn’t too keen on hearing whatever it is he is going to say this time. They wander down along the long drive to the mailbox, then along the street, all the way to rotting wood fence that used to house an orchard. There, Dan stops and finally speaks.

”You’re not the first person she’s brought home, you know that. Right?”

”Yes, sir.”

”You’re not even the first person she’s been serious about. Not the first person to want to propose to her.”

Emily takes a deep breath, wondering what his point is. Is he trying to get her to unlove Kelley? Because if he is, it’s not going to work. She leans on the wooden railing, unconcerned about splinters, because she needs something to support her weight through this conversation. 

“That boyfriend of hers. I never liked him. I told him no. They were too young. But really, it was because I never thought he was right for her. There was just something missing...” He trails off, as if he can’t find the words to explain it. “I like you, Emily. You’re good for her,” he continues. “I’ve watched you these past few days. You treat her the way we raised Jerry to treat a woman. You respect her. You put her first. You’re always aware of what she might need. And I watched her tonight. The way she smiles, the way she laughs, it’s a real laugh deep from in her soul. The way she looks at you as if you’re the only person in the room. I’ve never seen her so at ease. She’s in love with you. There’s no denying it. So who am I to deny it?” He shakes his head and kicks at a rock, half buried in the red Georgia clay. ”I don’t understand it. I know the Bible says it’s wrong. But we were all made in God’s image and he doesn’t make mistakes. My daughter’s not a mistake. Who she loves isn’t a mistake. Love like what you two have, well, it doesn’t come around too often. And it just can’t be wrong.”

_It’s not_ , Emily wants to tell him, but she stays quiet.

”I don’t know what people are going to say - about her, about our family - but it just doesn’t matter anymore. I’m not going to lose her because of my own insecurities, because of the prejudice I was raised with. She’s all that matters. I want my baby girl to be happy. And you’re the one who makes her happy. She had a sparkle in her eyes when she was a little girl, and it’s been gone for awhile. But it’s back now. It’s been back since she found you. I can’t stand in the way of that. Marry her. Make her happy. Be part of our family,” he says in a shaky voice.

”And you’ll walk her down the aisle?” Emily asks in an equally shaky voice, tears in her eyes, because that matters.

”Yes, ma’am, I sure will,” he promises. 

Emily can’t help but hug him. But she only has their short walk back to the house to compose herself. She can’t let Kelley know about this either, even if it is good news.

* * *

  
**December, 2021**

A month later, it’s Christmastime, and Kelley and Emily are spending the whole week before at the O’Haras so they can spend from Christmas Eve to New Year’s Day with the Sonnetts. It’s a couple days before Christmas, the same day two years ago that Kelley talked Emily into going shopping with her, and then talked Emily into bed. Not that the latter took a whole lot of convincing.

  
It’s late. The house is dark and quiet, and Kelley and Emily are sitting in a swing on the wraparound front porch, just the two of them, cuddled up under a blanket. The house is all lit up with white Christmas lights. The long drive is lined with luminarias, and they’re casting a beautiful glow on the dusting of snow on the lawn. “This place always looked a little better in white,” Emily muses quietly, and Kelley murmurs her agreement into Emily’s armpit, trying to warm her nose. Emily briskly rubs Kelley’s arm under the blanket.

Emily’s been carrying the ring around since the end of October, when she had actually contemplated proposing to her partner without her father’s permission. But since Dan gave her his blessing, she’s been waiting for the perfect opportunity. 

If it were Kelley doing the proposing, she’d plan something, probably spectacular, down to the smallest details. But Emily prefers that life not be arranged like that. So she carried around the ring waiting for it to feel right. Tonight just feels like the right time.

Emily has been playing with Kelley’s hand under the blanket for a long time, and Kelley can tell it’s out of nervousness; it isn’t the usual slow, light strokes of Emily’s thumb on the back of Kelley’s hand. But Kelley can’t figure out why, and Emily can’t help that she’s going out of her mind with nervousness. They’ve never not talked about something so big, and Emily has no way of knowing if Kelley will say yes. She wants it to be a total surprise, she even picked out the ring by herself, without asking Kelley what she liked. She didn’t think there was a way to ask about ring preferences without it being obvious.

“Remember what we were doing two years ago?” Emily asks.  
  
“Buying each other Christmas presents and becoming the world’s worst friends with benefits? Yeah, I seem to remember that,” Kelley laughs. Her cheeks are pink and her eyes are sparkling at the memory.

Emily chuckles at that, relaxing just a smidge. “Not the world’s worst. We last four months before- ”

”Before I broke your rule,” Kelley interrupts. “And you’re never going to let me live it down.” Kelley’s right; she probably won’t.

Emily shifts her weight in the swing so she can face Kelley, tucking one leg up under her. ”Do you remember what I got you for Christmas that year?”

“Of course,” Kelley scoffs. “That wonderful cast iron skillet that I still use. You said you were worried about my iron intake without meat in my diet. Shoulda known then that you loved me with how worried you were about my health.”

”I could say the same thing,” Emily counters. “The natural light salt lamp for seasonal depression, which you dubbed ‘soccer season depression’ because of Portland’s lack of sun? Even though I told you that I don’t mind cloudy days. Yeah, you loved me already too. Maybe we should bring that lamp back out,” she muses, her voice going distant for a moment.

Emily reaches her leg down, using her toe to stop the swing, and pulls Kelley’s left hand out from under the blanket. Kelley gives her a look, about to tell her that it’s too cold to have any body parts out from under the covers. But when she _really_ looks at Emily, the reflection of the lights in her eyes, and how her face is a mixture of both softness and worry lines at the same time, it leaves her speechless.   
  
Emily fumbles with her pocket and scoots out from under the blanket. She drops to one knee before Kelley, the wooden slats of the porch digging in, except she doesn’t even notice, because she’s too cold and too scared. 

Kelley wants to tell her to get back under the blanket, because she’s cold, wants to ask what the heck she is doing, but then she knows. 

_She knows_.

And she feels like she couldn’t speak even if she wanted to.

”I asked your dad if it was ok first,” Emily mumbles, scared, eyes downcast, choosing to focus on the detail that matters the most to her, but the least to Kelley. 

And then she finds her courage. “Us meeting was fate, Kell. The chance of two small-town Georgia girls from neighboring counties both making the National Team at the same time? That just doesn’t happen. Us becoming friends was a choice, your choice. I never understood why you took all of us under your wing. But this? Falling in love? That was out of our hands. And it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The only thing about it I would change if I could go back would be for us to figure this out sooner so I could love you longer. I don’t want to miss out on another day of loving you for as long as I live. So what I’m asking is, Miss Kelley Maureen O’Hara, will you please do me the greatest honor of my life and be my wife?”

Emily lets go of Kelley’s hand long enough to flip open the box she’s been holding.

And Kelley knocks the blanket onto the floor, pulling Emily’s face into hers, kissing her through tears and not very well at that. Emily’s crying too. 

“So it’s a yes then?” Emily wants to know.

To be sure.

But Kelley can’t stop crying for long enough to speak, so she just nods and kisses Emily again. 

Emily takes the ring out of the box and slides it on Kelley’s finger. “It’s perfect,” Kelley chokes out. “You’re perfect.”

The proposal had been so simple, so sweet, so unlike Emily’s public persona. And maybe it was so wonderful because Kelley wasn’t expecting it - at all. Not to say she hadn’t imagined it sometimes when she was lying in bed unable to sleep, it’s just that when she pictured getting engaged to Emily, she pictured herself doing the proposing. And she pictured it being this romantically extravagant affair that she planned out - like a hot air balloon at sunrise or on a tropical beach somewhere, rose petals, candles, maybe someone playing a violin. But in reality, Emily’s proposal is so much better than anything she could ever conjure up.  
  


“Do you think anybody’s still up?” Kelley asks, wiping away her tears. 

“I think they will be perfectly fine with you waking the whole house up to tell them the news,” Emily winks, taking Kelley’s hand and pulling her up off of the swing, into the best hug ever. They both say “I love you at the same time,” and then laugh at how in sync they are. Emily kisses Kelley’s forehead before they go back inside.

* * *

“Not in your parents’ house,” Emily says, shooing Kelley’s hand away, later that night.

”Oh, c’mon, Em.”

”No way. Your dad finally likes me. I’m not gonna ruin that.

”What’s that supposed to mean?”

Emily hesitates. “He almost said no, Kell. The first time I asked for his permission to marry you, he said he’d have to think about it.”

Kelley looks shocked. “How long ago was that?”

”Like two months. But it’s ok, he changed his mind.”

”And what if he hadn’t? You just _weren’t_ going to marry me?”

”No, I would have. Eventually. I guess. He just needed time. So I gave it to him. I carried that ring around for damn near two months, but...”

Kelley captures Emily’s lips in a kiss. She’ll deal with her dad tomorrow.

Maybe.

Right now, she needs to show Emily just how much she loves her. Because she doesn’t think her words can do her love for Emily justice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s have a couple more happy chapters, shall we?


	8. This One’s For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Royal Wedding Day! This ain’t it, but it’ll do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG go listen to I Loved Her First by Heartland if you don’t know it. Freckle-faced kid. I can’t.

_  
And I’m not one to carry on and on,  
_ _and I may not be the poetic type.  
_ _And no, I'm not always the most refined,  
_ _oh but even so, I just want you to know,  
_ _this is the way I show you how I feel.  
_ _You are the rhythm, you are the rhyme,  
_ _and you are the music and melody,  
_ _you’re the reason behind_ _why  
_ _there’s so many love songs,  
_ _so many love songs,  
_ _but this one’s for you._

**  
October, 2022**

“What are you playing?” Emily asks, plopping down on the couch next to Kelley. It’s rainy and cold outside and she should go for a run, but she doesn’t want to go run. Their season just ended. Maybe it’s enough of an excuse that she needs a break. Besides, like the child that she still is sometimes, she’d rather bother Kelley.

”Shoo, go away,” Kelley waves her hand dismissively. “It’s for our wedding. Maybe. Or maybe just for you. I haven’t decided. But you can’t hear it.”

”Why not?”

”Because I’m not good enough yet.” Kelley sounds exasperated by Emily breaking her concentration.

”For whom?”

”You!”

”Must be hard being a perfectionist,” Emily muses, grateful that’s not her. “Are you, like, writing it?”

”What? No! How talented do you think I am?”

“Well considering you’re mom only put you in piano for a few years and from that you taught yourself guitar...” Emily shrugs. “I don’t get it. So this is not our wedding song?”

”Chords are chords, baby. And no, this is something else. I already picked our wedding song though,” Kelley sighs, wishing Emily would go back to whatever it was she was doing around the house before she came into their den.

”You’re picked it already? Like by yourself?” Emily sounds truly shocked and Kelley doesn’t understand why.

”You said you didn’t want to plan this. I believe your exact words were, ‘This is a colossal waste of my time.’” Kelley stares at Emily, whose mouth is agape.

”Well when you say it like that...”

”You said it like that!” Kelley shouts, not annoyed at all, yet hoping Emily thinks she is. The truth is, it doesn’t bother her little OCD planning heart at all that Emily has given her total control over their wedding preparations.

”Well what I meant was the colors and the flowers and what vegan food you’re going to subject our guests to. I didn’t mean our song!” Emily is incredulous. “Or the cake,” she quickly add. “I would like to have a say in the cake.”

Kelley shrugs. “You didn’t specify. And it’s cakes. Plural. You can pick yours.”

”So, what’s our first dance going to be to?” Kelley stays tight-lipped. “I’m dancing to it. With you! We have to practice!”

”This is what you get for not helping plan,” Kelley shrugs and Emily rolls her eyes. She planned. She picked the destination. That should count for a lot. “Baby,” Kelley softens, how many times have we slow-danced in the kitchen when I’m trying to cook, or in the bedroom when we’re getting ready for bed? You know how to dance. We don’t need to practice. And I think it’ll be cute to surprise you.”

Emily decides to give up on this battle. ”And this other song?” Emily nods toward Kelley’s guitar. “What is it?”

”You’ll find out. All in due time, my dear,” Kelley leans forward, her lips pursed, waiting for a kiss. Emily leans in and meets Kelley’s lips with hers. 

”Play it for me. Pleeeasssee,” Emily begs in her best whiny voice.

Kelley rolls her eyes. ”No! Go away!” 

”So, do I have a say in the song we dance with our dads to?” Emily asks earnestly, _not_ going away. 

”Nope, already picked. But you can know that one. It’s _I Loved Her First_.”

”Country. Are the other two country?”

”Stop fishing for hints!” Kelley yells good-naturedly.

”Well since you’ve done everything else, are you writing my vows too? Because I think I can do a better job at that than you.”

”That’s what you need to do right now. Go write your vows for me, baby,” Kelley says softly, reaching out for Emily and pulling her in to plant a kiss on her forehead.  
  


Twenty minutes later, Kelley is on her laptop confirming things for their rehearsal dinner, and Emily’s back. Emily grabs the computer and moves it off of Kelley so she can pull Kelley into her lap.

“God, dealing with a bored child is so difficult sometimes!” Kelley tells her playfully.

”Maybe more needy than bored, but either way, I’m just getting you ready for the real thing, love!” Emily shoots back.

”Are you done already?”

”Oh, I didn’t write my vows,” Emily says nonchalantly. “I was wondering if you’ve thought about it anymore.”

Kelley knows exactly what _it_ is. And she’d rather not talk about _it_. Because she knows it’s not going to be what Emily wants to hear.   
  
“I can’t do it, Em. I’m too attached to my name. It’s my identity. Besides,” Kelley tries to lighten the mood, “there’s only one Sonnett.” She places a kiss on Emily’s cheek, as if that can soften the blow.

”Actually, there are a lot of Sonnetts. And you can be the newest one,” Emily argues.

“Baby, I love you more than anything in the world but..”

”But not enough to take my name. I figured that’s what you’d say after our last conversation. So I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ll just take yours.” It’s a grand romantic gesture, Kelley knows this. But she doesn’t want Emily losing her identity either. It’s important to Kelley that they maintain some sort of semblance of who they are, considering how hard they each worked individually to establish their identities.

”Em, you can go down to the courthouse and change your last name legally, but don’t do it professionally. Professionally, you are Emily Sonnett.” Deep down, Emily knows this has nothing to do with the world knowing about them because the world _knows_ about them, but she doesn’t understand Kelley’s need to maintain separate identities when Emily views their impending nuptials as the forging of a new, singular identity. 

Emily lets out a heavy sigh. ”And our children?”

Kelley groans at something that seems so far into the future. “We will hyphenate them. I promise.”

* * *

**December, 2022**

“Do you have your shoes? And your makeup? You can’t wear mine if you forget yours, you’re too pasty. Can you do _something_? _Please_!?!” Emily looks away from the game of FIFA she’s playing on the Switch for a moment, but doesn’t make a move to do, well, anything.

Kelley is stress-packing the afternoon before they are to fly to Puerto Vallarta for their wedding. She should be done by now. She _should have_ been done days ago. But planning a wedding from afar isn’t the easiest thing in the world, especially when you refuse to let other people be in charge of the details because you’re a control freak. But honestly, the planning as been good for her. It’s given her a purpose. Just like playing on the same team as Emily this past season was good for her. She’s finally in a better place. 

Their caterer had emailed three days ago to cancel, and Kelley had had to find another one who would at least do a pescatarian menu if not a vegetarian one. The color of the orchids was wrong and she had to send more pictures to the florist trying to convey she wanted burgundy, not mauve. Maybe the language barrier was the problem. And now, she was behind. 

And stressed. 

While Emily lay sprawled out on the bed without a care in the world, because as she put it, she had all night to pack. Because she’s never tired. And because they didn’t even have to be at the airport until 4:30 am. Plenty of time.   
  
Like they weren’t about to fly to another country for the most important day of their lives. It wasn’t like Emily could just run to the nearest store if she forgot to pack something.

“Can I take this?” Emily asks, nodding to her Switch, not looking up from the game she is so intently focused on. Priorities 

And that’s the last straw for Kelley. She’s about to start yelling, about to go off, about to start an argument. A real one. 

And then she bites her lip and breathes. Because she’s been trying, like _really_ been trying, to contain her frustration at every little thing that goes wrong in life. Especially when it comes to Emily. Because she’s about to marry this woman. On the third anniversary of what Emily has now lovingly dubbed their best mistake ever. Or rather Kelley’s. She refers to it as _Kelley’s_ best mistake ever. 

So Kelley finds a different way to deal with what she’s feeling, because that’s what one of the many self-help books she picked up from the library told her to do. 

She walks around the bed towards Emily, and Emily rolls over, trying to protect her Switch, which she is positive Kelley is coming to take away from her. 

Child. Kelley is marrying a _child_. 

Instead, she reaches into the nightstand beside where Emily is laying. “If you’re gonna have extra room in your suitcase, take this. We can put this to much better use that that game thingy.” She unceremoniously drops their strap-on into Emily’s lap.

In a matter of seconds, Emily has tossed her game to the side, sat up, and is now staring at Kelley with wide eyes. Kelley chuckles to herself, instantly in a better mood. It’s the fastest she’s seen Emily move since their season ended.

”I can’t take this,” Emily shouts, horrified, and Kelley scrunches up her nose at her fiancé. She turns to continue packing. “Kell! I’m not packing this!” 

Kelley turns around, because Emily sounds, well, she sounds strangely serious. About a dildo. “Why?” Kelley looks at her. “It’s for our wedding night.”

”What am I supposed to do if they find it?”

”Who?” Kelley asks, throwing her hands up.

”Customs! They randomly search bags, Kell. What am I supposed to say if they search mine? And they pull it out all...” Emily holds the strap-on up with two fingers like she’s disgusted. She’s not. But she can sure guess the customs agent will be.

”Tell them you’re bringing it for your wedding night. That you’re going to bend your wife over and have your way with her. That should suffice.”

Emily ignores her. 

Kelley juts her hip out and cocks her head to the side. “No? That’s not how you envision our wedding night going?” she asks playfully.

”Well I hadn’t really thought about it...”

 _That’s_ a lie.

”You’ll probably be so drunk that we can’t do anything that night.”

Now _that_ one cut deep. Especially because Kelley has been hardly drinking at all over the past few months. Emily knows she shouldn’t have said it as soon as the words leave her lips. She sees the hurt in Kelley’s eyes and the way her face drops. She _really_ has been trying to process things without alcohol. 

Kelley comes and takes the strap on out of Emily’s hands and places it back in the bedside drawer. “Don’t worry about it, Sonny.” And she means it. She’s not trying to fight over something as stupid as a sex toy _or_ something as big as her drinking. 

Kelley goes back to packing, but Emily feels horrible. She goes to where Kelley is standing over her suitcase and wraps her arms around the shorter woman from behind. It takes a moment, but Kelley breathes deeply and relaxes into her. “I’m sorry, babe. I know you’ve been doing so much better. I just worried about you for so long and I...”

”You don’t have to worry anymore though, Em. Life was hard for awhile, but I’ve got it under control now. I’m ok. I wouldn’t have been ok without you, but I had you, and you stayed, and you loved me, and you let me work through it, and I’m ok now.”

Emily kisses her neck and Kelley closes her eyes. “I’ll pack it,” Emily says, trying to find a way to fix the hurt she just created.

”No, I have room. I’ll bring it.” Kelley rubs Emily’s forearm. She doesn’t want her fiancé worried and uncomfortable. 

* * *

  
“Kell!!!” Emily screams, absolutely horrified, as Kelley walks into their suite as Emily is getting ready for their big day. Kelley has a key, because night before last, they stayed in it together. And they’ll stay in it together again tonight. But today? Today Kelley is not supposed to be there because they are getting married and it’s bad luck to see your soon-to-be wife in her wedding dress on the day of your wedding. And Emily absolutely positively believes in everything related to bad luck and superstitions.

Kelley freezes, up against the wall leading into the room where Emily is getting her hair and makeup done. She’s trying to look away from Emily. The room has been transformed into a salon. Lindsey’s there. Tobin and Pressy are there. And Lindsey’s halfway out of her chair about to shove Kelley back out of the room, by the looks of it. But Lindsey hesitates, because Kelley looks so ridiculous half made-up, in her button-down shirt so she can take it off later without messing up her makeup, pj pants, and slides, carrying a guitar case. That hesitation is all Kelley needs to rush her words out, to tell Emily that she has to talk to her alone. Now. And that it can’t wait. And then with Emily’s very meek and very concerned ok as approval, Kelley clears everybody out of the room, with Lindsey’s glare lingering for longer than anybody else. Emily’s first thought is that Kelley’s calling off the wedding.

“Look, baby, I know how you feel about all these traditions and superstitions, but I had to see you. You’re the calm to my storm and I can’t get through this today without being with you first, for just a few minutes. I’m so nervous and I don’t even know why. Because I love you and of course I want to marry you.”

Emily thinks that no one has ever called her their calm. 

Kelley starts rambling on and on about the history behind the superstition and it’s basis in arranged marriages, and Emily’s tuning her out, realizing how unsettled she’s been all day and how she instantly feels at home with Kelley there now. Because Kelley is the calm to her storm too. “Baby. Baby stop talking. I’m not mad. It’s ok. It’s just a stupid superstition.” Emily would hug her right now, caress her face, kiss her beautiful lips, but she doesn’t want to mess up their makeup. “I’m glad you came. I’ve been nervous too. And now I’m not. It’s ok.”

”Ok,” Kelley repeats. “So um, also, I want to play something for you now because I don’t wanna do it at the reception in front of everyone.”

”Perfectionist.”

”And I don’t want to do it after. Not because I’m going to be drunk,” she quickly adds, drawing a pained look from Emily who never meant to make her feel like that. “But I just figure we’re gonna be drained. And it’s kinda like my wedding present to you. So um...” Kelley takes the guitar from its case. “this ones harder. I’m not as good.”

”Just play, baby.” Emily reaches out and touches Kelley’s wrist. She loves when Kelley plays for her, but she rarely will. It’s one of the few things she’s not exceptionally good at, which to her is the same as being bad at something, and Kelley doesn’t like being bad at things. 

“It’s called Lucky.”

_You love dancin’ in the rain,  
_ _never mind a cloudy day.  
_ _Make the world a better place.  
_ _Yeah you love dancin’ in the rain._

_You love talking on the phone,  
_ _You do things other people don’t.  
_ _You make sure no one feels alone.  
_ _Yeah you love talking on the phone._

_Don’t know how I found you,  
_ _I guess that dreams come true,  
_ _When you least expect them to.  
Ain't life funny?  
_ _How did I get so lucky?_

  
The smile in Emily’s eyes is worth every barred chord that Kelley just struggled through.   
  


* * *

_There she is._

The thought that flooded her brain when Kelley saw Emily is one of the only things Kelley remembers with crystal-like clarity from the whirlwind that was their wedding day.

_There she is._

As Kelley stepped up to the makeshift white boardwalk that would serve as her walkway to her future wife, her arm linked with her father’s, those three words are what she remembers most. 

_There she is._

Emily turning and seeing her in her dress for the first time. Her grey eyes laser-focused on Kelley, almost burning a hole through her. A good burn. Like a fire from deep within her heart. The way her mouth dropped in awe, just slightly, for a moment and then turned into a smile. The way her shoulders straightened as she drew in a sharp breath at the sight of the woman who, in just a few minutes, would be her wife. The way Emily didn’t let that breath out until Kelley was standing next to her.

_There she is._

The way Emily looked so perfectly beautiful in all white. In a strapless dress that showed off the cuts of her arms and shoulders and back. In a dress that was perfectly tailored to show off the curves that Emily always tried so hard to hide under sweats. The curves that Kelley ran her hands over and grabbed onto in the privacy of their home. The way Emily’s eyes darted to Kelley’s chest as she got closer, because how could they not when Kelley had chosen a dress with such a low cut V-shaped neckline.

And sure, if Kelley thinks about it, she also noticed Lindsey, standing next to Emily as her maid of honor, jaw maybe a little too clenched. And Tobin next to Lindsey. And she noticed Alex waiting for her too, as her matron of honor, and Allie next to Alex, half annoyed that she wasn’t chosen for the honor, and half excited that she was, as of today, no longer the third wheel in their group that was now officially four - Alex was going to be forced to choose Allie because Kelley would always choose Emily. 

But the colors swirl together in Kelley’s brain, the white and the burgundy and the teal. And Kelley was so nervous that she had to pull out a slip of paper to read the vows she wrote. 

But Emily?

Emily was so smooth and confident that she recited the whole thing from memory. Or as Emily liked to explain when Kelley asked her to recite her vows again in their hotel room late that night (because maybe Kelley had been so nervous and so focused on Emily’s eyes and lips that she couldn’t pay attention to the actual words), she just spoke from her heart. In the moment. She hadn’t really planned anything.

The words of the officiant are vague in Kelley’s mind - she pronounced them wife and wife and told them to seal their marriage with a kiss. The kiss is still a distant buzzing feeling on her lips now, but what came next, or Emily’s reaction to it rather, is burned into her brain forever. While she was getting ready, Kelley pulled the officiant aside and asked her to deviate from what they had rehearsed the evening prior. So when Emily and Kelley turned, hand in hand, to face their loved ones, the officiant introduced the newlyweds as Mrs. and Mrs. Sonnett-O’Hara. 

A new bond. 

A new identity. 

Forged together. 

Unbreakable.   
  


That’s when Emily finally broke down. When she turned to Kelley and the weight of those words sunk in, she couldn’t hold her tears back any longer. Which made Kelley cry all over again, too.

So sure, Kelley remembers their first dance to _This One’s For You_ and the dual father-daughter dance, the cutting of the cake and the smashing of it into Emily’s face, which Emily proceeded to joyously lick off, the toasts from Alex and Lindsey and the night full of dancing afterwards.

But what Kelley really remembers is the way Emily looked at her when she heard their names together. Kelley thinks it may be the second-best decision she’s ever made.

Sonnett-O’Hara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to say, that for the record, this was written before the royal wedding, so the last name thing is not stolen from Krashlyn.


	9. April Showers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let’s make a baby.

_April showers  
_ _bring May flowers  
_ _We have seen rain before._

 _But if Sunday morning  
_ _lets that sun in  
_ _What are we waiting for?_

 _Cause love leaves an open,  
_ _wishing and hoping,  
_ _love leaves an open door._

**  
February, 2023**

”What if I retire?”

It’s mid morning on a lazy Sunday, and there’s a chill in the air. Kelley and Emily are cuddled under a blanket, naked, on the couch. The coffees that Kelley made them are still sitting on their table, long ago cold. It’s just been too damn comfy under that blanket together to sit up and drink them. So for now, they’re lying there, breathing slow and together, watching the fire that Emily built.

Well, Emily’s been staring at the fireplace; Kelley’s been staring at Emily’s profile. And she watches as Emily’s previously relaxed jaw clenches the second she hears the word.

“We just started playing together, Kell. We gave up a lot to make that happen. We were the best outside backs in the league last year. You can play _one_ more season.”

Kelley knows that what Emily means is that _she_ gave up a lot to make that happen; Kelley didn’t give up much of anything at all. Emily gave up Portland, Lindsey, Tobin, Mark, a team she adored....

But Kelley wouldn’t have said it if the alternative to playing wasn’t worth it...

There’s a long pause between them, Kelley still dragging her nails along Emily’s stomach, running her foot up and down Emily’s calf. “Not if we’re going to have babies.” Kelley’s voice is low and soft, and she says it into Emily’s hair, because the scent of her shampoo brings Kelley comfort. And because this is hard.

Kelley feels the rise and fall of Emily’s breathing stop. The only sound in the room for what seems like forever is the crackling and popping of the fire.

”We just got married. Aren’t we supposed to enjoy this, just the two of us, for awhile?” Emily asks, sounding rather concerned.

”We can. If you want to carry- ”

”You know I don’t want to. I just can’t do that,” Emily interrupts. She’s never been able to envision herself pregnant. She can’t handle the thought of it. Kelley tells her it’s some form of body dysmorphia. Emily doesn’t even know what the term means. Nor does she care enough to google it. She’s not going to get pregnant. Ever. 

”Well then? I’m 34, babe. I’d be 35 by the time the baby is born. That’s old. And if we want to have another, if we don’t have twins... it’d be a geriatric pregnancy the second time.”

Emily lets out a little snicker at that; she can’t help it. It causes Kelley to giggle too. “You can get pregnant after 35,” Emily says seriously, after she composes herself.

”You can,” Kelley agrees. “And there are also more risks if you do.”

Emily rolls over so they’re facing each other. They’re too close in this small space on the couch, noses almost touching. ”But are you ready to stop playing? Are _we_ ready for this?” Emily can’t believe that she’s even asking these questions, that she’s at all hesitant. 

She wants to have babies with this woman more than she even wanted to marry her. She wants to be a mom. _So_ badly. Even if she can’t wrap her head around having to carry a child inside her for nine months. 

And she _knows_ she’ll be a great mom. _They’ll_ be great moms. She’s dreamed about it; she can actually picture how a child will fit into their lives, into their home. Her fun and free-spiritedness grounded by Kelley’s intelligence and sensibility. The kid will get the best of both worlds. 

But it has never occurred to her that it would involve Kelley having to give up something she loves to make that happen. It _should have_ occurred to her...

She can’t be the reason Kelley goes through all the stages of grief at the loss of her career all over again. As much as Emily wants kids, she can’t do that to Kelley. They can’t do this if Kelley’s not at peace with the decision. Total peace.

But like always, Kelley can read her mind. “I’m ready, Son. I mean it. I’ve had a great career, a long career. It’s time. To move on to the next chapter. To start a family. _Our_ family.”

And Kelley thinks she means it.

Probably.

Most likely.

She _did_ have a good and long career. She has the medals that prove it, the personal accolades that show, beyond any doubt, just how good she was. 

But now it’s time to be good in a different way. To be a good wife and a good mother. To be good to Emily. She knows that Emily wants to be a mom. And she loves Emily. Way more than she loves the sport that she’s been a part of for almost three decades.

“We can adopt,” Emily says weakly, still not convinced that the timing is right.

But Kelley sees the spark in Emily’s eyes fade as she says it. Emily always meant it when she said she wanted mini-Kelleys running around, even when she sounded like she was joking. Even when she told Kelley she was too stubborn, too sassy, too OCD to pass her genes onto their future children. Emily always meant it.

”No,” Kelley whispers, turning and pulling Emily on top of her. She lets her fingers trickle down along the side of Emily’s breasts, along her ribs, to her hips. “I’m going to give you a baby. _We_ are going to make a baby.” She slides her hand onto Emily’s ass, pulling her in, until there is no space between them. And Emily kisses her deeply, trying to convey all the love she has for Kelley through her lips. She doesn’t trust her words. She’s afraid she’ll tell Kelley no if she speaks.

* * *

  
Emily pushes the laptop across the table, frustrated. It’s not the anonymity of it all, she doesn’t care much about that - a donor is not a father and their future kids just need two loving parents, not a father. It’s just that no one is exactly who she’s looking for. No one is her. She’s looking for the male version of her because she wants their baby to be the perfect blend of her and Kelley. She didn’t realize going into this how much it would bother her to know that this currently non-existent baby would be none of her. 

Kelley rises out of her chair and stands next to Emily, bending down slightly, rubbing her tight shoulders. 

“No one is right, Kell,” she sighs, her head sinking into her hands. There are handsome men, smart men with good genes and impressive credentials. But Emily can’t get a feel for their personalities through these donor profiles. “They’re not fun. They’re not funny. I mean, they may be, but they may not be. How am I supposed to know?”

Kelley sinks into Emily’s lap, wrapping her arms around her wife’s neck and playing with the hair that has fallen loose. “Baby,” Kelley says with a softness that she rarely shows, “it doesn’t matter if these guys are funny. It doesn’t matter what their personalities are like. You’re the one who’s going to be here, from day one. Raising this baby. Imparting your sense of humor and all of your quirks into our baby. No matter the DNA, this baby is going to reflect you because you will be its first and greatest role model.” Emily looks up at her with those sad eyes, and Kelley caresses her face. “It’s gonna be ok, Em. Just go with your gut and pick someone.”

Well there is someone Emily could see using, but she doesn’t know how Kelley would feel about him. Because unlike a donor, he wouldn’t be anonymous. But he’s been in the back of Emily’s mind since they started this process. Kelley said the donor was 100% Emily’s choice, but...

”I know someone, Kell,” she starts, slowly. Kelley pulls back slightly and gives her a strange look. “He was my best friend growing up. He let me play soccer with the boys when no one else would. He was one of the first people I told when I realized I was gay.”

”I don’t want our baby to have a father, Em. I just want it to be us. I thought that’s why people use a sperm bank for this.”

”There are papers we can sign, a donor contract, so he won’t have any rights. He will be anonymous, basically. Until our kid is 18. Then they can choose to meet. Sometimes kids want to know where they came from.”

”Our child will come from us.”

”I know. And that’s not what this is about. It’s a side benefit maybe. But Tommy. He’s like me. He’s the male version of me. I don’t know that he’d do it, but I want to ask him. But you can’t fuck him. He’s married.”

”I’m married, you idiot. And I’m not going to fuck a man. Not even for a baby.”

* * *

  
**Early April, 2023**

”Are you ready?” Emily asks. 

As if after all of this they could not be ready. 

After meeting Tommy for dinner and discussing logistics and specifics of the arrangement, Kelley liked him. He reminded her of Emily, with his soft blonde hair and soft smile. He was warm and funny. He put her at ease instantly. He looked at them intently when they spoke. He smiled with his eyes. 

After waiting nervously for a week while he decided on if he and his wife were ok with this.

After tracking Kelley’s temperature for the past two months so they could predict when she’d ovulate

After signing the donor contract.

After buying specimen jars and syringes.

As if they could not be ready.

Kelley is naked in their bed, under the covers. And Emily’s standing there, holding the specimen cup, staring at her. They’re both nervous, like it’s the first time. 

No, way more nervous than their first time.

Their first time was easy. 

Smooth. 

They should have known then that they were meant for each other.

Maybe they did know.

Emily slides under the covers next to Kelley. She’s fully clothed. She’s clinching a syringe with what could be their future child inside. She’s clinching it so hard, the knuckles on her left hand have turned white. Her right hand is shaking. She kisses Kelley, awkwardly, but Kelley pulls her in by the back of the head and doesn’t let her go until she’s relaxed into the kiss. “It’s ok, Em. Let’s do this.”

But it’s like Emily doesn’t know how, how to do something so simple. Like she’s almost frozen. 

Kelley places her hand on top of Emily’s right hand, her empty hand, and slowly guides it across her breasts, then down over her stomach. She runs Emily’s hand between her legs, and she feels the trembling subside. Fucking Kelley has always made Emily’s relax. Emily knows how good she is. Kelley tells her. And Kelley shows her. Emily closes her eyes and breathes deeply. Kelley rubs Emily’s fingers into her clit, until Emily takes over on her own and Kelley can pull Emily down on top of her. “You make me wet, baby,” Kelley growls into Emily’s ear.

Emily runs her fingers through Kelley’s folds, just to check. Just to be sure, and Kelley shudders. “Inside,” she begs. Kelley bucks up into Emily’s hand at the first felling of Emily’s fingers on her G-spot. “Fuck,” she moans quietly.

Emily’s fingers move slowly, methodically, as Kelley closes her eyes and presses up into Emily’s hand, begging for more. Instead, Emily stops and pulls her fingers out, leaving Kelley whimpering. “Ok. Ok. We’re gonna do this.” She takes the syringe into her other hand, holding it over Kelley, but she hesitates. Kelley takes Emily by the wrist, helping to guide it inside.

She’s done in just a second, and she kisses Kelley on the stomach. “Swim, little spermies,” she whispers against Kelley’s skin. And then to Kelley, “Well, we did it.” Her eyes are wide. She’s still so nervous. 

Kelley pulls her into another kiss, fully aware that she’s not going to get to have an orgasm after all of that. But she’s ok with it. “We did. I love you baby.”

**Two weeks later**

”Hey! Hey, Kell! Wake up!” Emily jostles Kelley’s shoulders until she cracks one eye open. Emily is shoving a box containing a pregnancy test in her face. “It says first urine. So you gotta go pee on it. Now.”

Kelley grumbles and rolls over, bound and determined to go back to sleep. It’s not even light outside yet. Emily’s not going to let her sleep though.

”Kell,” she whines loudly. “Don’t you want to know if you’re pregnant. Come on.” She stresses the last two syllables. 

Kelley continues grumbling as she rolls out of bed and shuffles to the bathroom. Emily followers her. “You’re going to watch me pee, aren’t you?” Emily nods excitedly. Kelley chuckles. She has to admit, seeing her wife like this, so bright-eyed, giddy with anticipation, is pretty cute. She throws the empty box at Emily. “Set a timer.”

5 minutes. And for the next five minutes, until Emily’s phone starts dinging, she paces and fidgets and talks a mile a minute, all while Kelley sits on the toilet watching her because she’s too sleepy still to bother getting up, so she might as well stay next to where the pregnancy test sits on a shelf. 

  
Emily’s face falls when the timer goes off and Kelley allows her to be the first one to check it. 

No line. No matter how hard Emily studies it. Not even a faint one.

And it’s Kelley who has to comfort her, to hug her and tell her that it usually doesn’t happen on the first time but they’ll keep trying. Emily smiles through sad eyes and nods. 

They only have to wait two more weeks. And that’s two weeks for Emily, who did everything she could to avoid researching anything ever in college, to research the hell out of how to increase the chance of getting pregnant. She’s determined to do whatever it takes to make it stick this time, because if they don’t get pregnant in May, they won’t get to try again for a few months. Soon, Emily is heading to her second World Cup. 

She buys weird supplements online for Kelley to take, like bee propolis and royal jelly. And Kelley does, even though it’s ridiculous, because this idiot is her idiot and Kelley loves Emily enough to do whatever Emily needs her to do.

The only time Emily isn’t on the phone reading is when she’s training. Other than that, she’s learning everything she can about fertility. She won’t even pay attention to Kelley, until one evening Kelley grabs the phone out of Emily’s hand, tosses it aside, and performs a strip tease to convince her to come to bed. Extreme times, extreme measures.   
  


* * *

**  
Early May, 2023**

”Here,” Emily says awkwardly, handing the small container of what could be their future child to Kelley, who is lying naked on their bed. “You have to keep it warm. Body temperature.” Kelley slides it between her legs. “Not there! I need access to there.” Kelley throws her hands up, not knowing what Emily expects her to do. “Put it under your armpit,” Emily suggests. “I’ll be right back.”

When Emily walks back into their bedroom, a small cry escapes Kelley’s lips before she is able to bite her lower one.Emily, who has barely even looked at her for the past two weeks, is standing before her, naked, wearing a strap-on.“So, um,” she begins, suddenly and inexplicably shy.It’s not like Kelley hasn’t seen her like this, doesn’t fucking love to see her like this.“I read that you’re more likely to get pregnant if you’re turned on, that the contractions from the orgasms actually kind of suck up the sperm and help it get to where it needs to. But that um, saliva can make it harder for the sperm to swim though so...” Emily looks down between her legs and then at Kelley.

“Stop talking about sperm and come fuck me.” 

“Yeah?” Emily grins.

“Oh yeah,” Kelley smiles back at her.

Emily crawls into bed with her, hovering over her, kissing her more passionately than she has in the past two weeks, letting her hands explore Kelley’s body.She moves her lips to Kelley’s neck, her collarbone, her breasts, kissing down her stomach but stopping just below Kelley’s belly button. Kelley squirms at the feeling of Emily’s soft lips on her inner thighs, fingertips dragging along her sides and on her hips.She kisses her way back up and Kelley slips her tongue inside Emily’s mouth as their lips meet this time.There’s no teeth, no pulling or tugging on lips, just gentleness.

Emily finally reaches down between Kelley’s legs, feeling her wetness, drawing a moan from Kelley. Kelley knows exactly how wet she is.She feels it on the verge of running down her legs. “That’s just from seeing you,” Kelley whispers into Emily’s ear, using her own free hand to bury her fingers in Emily’s hair, her other arm immobile because Emily told her she _had_ to keep the sperm warm.

“Ok, because we can’t use lube.It’s not good for the- ”

Kelley interrupts her.“Stop talking. It’s usually hot.Today it’s not.So no more talking.Just do whatever you need to do without telling me what or why. Got it?” She’s looking earnestly into Emily’s eyes while she runs her fingers over Emily’s breasts, lightly pinching her nipples.Emily nods.

Emily rubs slow circles into Kelley’s clit, picking up her pace to match Kelley’s movements and moaning until Kelley comes, leaving the space between her thighs slippery. 

Emily takes a pillow, placing it under Kelley’s hips, so it’s already in place for later - because gravity... and sperm.She kneels between Kelley’s legs, dildo in her hand, but pauses to drink Kelley in with her eyes. She’s absolutely ravishing, hair messy, the valley between her breasts glistening with sweat in the warm Georgia air, hips still rocking from the orgasm, legs spread wide waiting to take Emily in.“You’re so beautiful, Kell.” Her voice cracks as she says it. Kelley’s always beautiful, but sometimes, there’s just something different about her, something that Emily can never place, that makes her look exceptionally beautiful.

Emily runs the dildo slowly through Kelley’s center, teasing her opening with just the tip. “Em, please baby. I need you inside. Fill me.”Her voice is a strained whine and Emily can’t resist her. 

Emily slowly slides the dildo inside, holding it by the base until it’s all the way in.A guttural moan from Kelley fills the room.“Are you ok?” Emily asks.

Kelley is more than ok. “Baby,” Kelley whispers, “Fuck me. Make me come.”

Emily’s dripping with wetness now from Kelley’s voice.She thrusts into her, slowly, gently at first, until they find a rhythm, until Kelley’s fingers are digging into Emily’s back and ass,  pulling her in deeper.

“Harder,” Kelley moans, spurring Emily on. Their faces are close, their breasts are pressed together, their bodies are sticky and sweaty.As Kelley gets closer and closer to the edge, her voice rises to an octave Emily doesn’t think she’s heard before. Kelley legs are in the air and she feels her entire body trembling as she comes, pushing Emily out of her. Emily removes the harness and tosses the strap onto the floor, then collapses into Kelley, her arms burning from holding herself up. Kelley runs her fingers through Emily’s hair as their chests heave together.

As their breathing slows, Emily rolls off of Kelley and finally takes the specimen jar that has been tucked under her arm. She draws up the semen in a syringe and looks at Kelley, into her hazel eyes that seem just a little greener right now.   
  


“Let’s make a baby,” Kelley whispers, touching her wife’s cheek lightly.

Emily eases the syringe into Kelley, and then lays her head down on Kelley’s stomach, slowly stroking her clit, using Kelley’s wetness. “You have to let me know when you’re close,” she tells Kelley. 

By the time she’s close, Kelley can’t even speak.But Emily knows her wife’s face and body, her breathing and her movements.As Kelley throws her head back, a strangled sound coming from her throat, Emily presses the plunger on the syringe.

”Swim little spermies,” she whispers into a Kelley’s stomach with a wet kiss. Swim hard and fast and find the egg.” And Kelley reaches down to tousle Emily’s hair.   


“I love you, baby,” Kelley says quietly. She doesn’t know if it’ll work this time; she doesn’t know when or if they’ll have a baby, but Emily is her baby for now, and that’s enough.   
  


* * *

Two weeks later, the couple is repeating the same morning process, except this time, Emily lets Kelley sleep until sunlight is creeping in through their windows.

This time, the pregnancy test Emily bought is digital. It says pregnant or not pregnant. Because Emily read that sometimes, the tests with a line are hard to read because the line can be faint. She wants to be sure. There’s nothing more sure than the word PREGNANT popping up on a tiny screen.

And this time, Kelley sits on the bathroom floor next to Emily, holding her hand as they wait. 

Somehow, over the last two weeks, Kelley’s become a lot more invested in this than she was the first time they tried. She thought she was invested before, but she wasn’t really crushed like Emily was by the first negative. But over the past two weeks, she’s been researching too - her google search is a mess of things like: early signs of pregnancy, how can I tell if I’m pregnant, which pregnancy tests are the most accurate, signs of implantation. And she’s stopped drinking completely. Just in case. Now, her heart is pounding in her chest and her hand in Emily’s is sweaty. Now, two pairs of eyes are locked on the pregnancy test lying on the floor between them, waiting for the result. Kelley feels like she can’t breath.

And then the test flashes.

**PREGNANT**

Emily’s mouth drops open as she turns towards Kelley. “You’re pregnant!” she screams.

”We’re pregnant,” Kelley corrects her, pulling Emily into her lap and kissing her, their happy tears mixing together.


	10. I Will Shine the Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I carried you every second of your life, and I’ll love you every second of mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe that miscarriage is absolutely worthy of a TW, yet AO3 doesn’t have one. So trigger warning.
> 
> Also, this is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. Take a listen.

_So when your heart is heavy like a stone  
_ _from carrying its load.  
_ _And you look into the mirror  
_ _and see someone you don’t know.  
_ _Or when the shadows are closing in on you  
_ _like a hand around your throat.  
_ _I will shine the light._

_When you’ve given into your fear  
_ _and you’ve lost your will to fight.  
_ _Let me know what I can do,  
_ _let me try to make it right.  
_ _And I will shine the light._

  
  
The exciting whirlwind of pregnancy consumes the Sonnett-O’Hara household. Well, mostly it consumes Emily because she decides from the moment the pregnancy test shows positive, that Kelley is a fragile being who needs to be taken care of and pampered. And it is one part annoying and two parts endearing to Kelley, who has spent a whole hell of a lot of her adult life taking care of whomever she was dating.

Including Emily. Who can’t cook much besides avocado toast and eggs, which doesn’t exactly count as cooking, according to amateur vegetarian chef Kelley. But when Emily’s home, she lets her try to make various vegan and vegetarian recipes because it makes Emily feel like she has a purpose in all of this. 

* * *

Emily didn’t want Kelley to take the 17 hour flight to Sydney to watch her play in her second World Cup, so Kelley facetimed Emily during her appointment with her OBGYN so Emily could hear from a medical professional that their baby was really just a collection of cells no bigger than a grain of rice at that time, and that Kelley was fine to fly until at least 36 weeks.

“HINT, HINT, Em. Our doctor says you can take me on a babymoon after your season is over,” Kelley said excitedly in the middle of the appointment.

And Emily, who had been crushed that she wasn’t able to go to that first appointment, was momentarily distracted by both the vision of a very pregnant Kelley in a bikini and the comparison of a baby to food, which she found hilarious. She proceeded to text a picture of whichever food item the baby was the size of to Kelley every week.

But they made it through the most hectic part, and Kelley got to be in the stands to see her wife lift the World Cup trophy for her second consecutive time. And Emily was finally home in time for Kelley’s 35th birthday and the end of her first trimester.

* * *

When she returns from Australia, Emily paints the nursery because she doesn’t want Kelley to breathe in the fumes from the low-VOC paint she bought. It’s low-VOC for a reason, Kelley explains. Low doesn’t mean _none_ , Emily argues.

Emily puts the crib together. Alone. With Kelley and her Stanford degree watching and maybe criticizing a little, but laughing a lot. Because she could easily do it, or help, but Emily thinks she should be able to do easy things. Things that come with instructions. If she can’t do things that come with instructions, how is she going to take care of a baby without instructions?

She rubs Kelley’s feet that aren’t even swollen yet, and buys only organic food from the store. She plays classical music up against Kelley’s stomach and talks to the tiny being growing inside her wife every night. She tells Kelley how beautiful she is as she starts to show. 

And Kelley has to sneak in runs and lifting sessions because Emily would prefer her be perfectly safe and still, but Kelley doesn’t want to get out of shape. Nor can she keep her hands off Emily, because pregnancy hormones. So after she does a lot of convincing, promising Emily that she’s not going to touch the baby’s head with her fingers, or cause her to have early contractions, they have lots of really, really good sex. 

They’re blissful, they’ve started to tell family and friends. There’s an air of excitement for what’s coming.   
  


* * *

  
**September, 2023**

Kelley notices the first tinge of pink on her underwear while Emily is packing for an away game in Portland. It’s so faint that it probably wouldn’t have even been noticeable at all if they hadn’t been white. And Kelley had had some inconsequential spotting early in the pregnancy, so she didn’t think much of it.

Besides, two days before, they had an appointment with the OBGYN. She told them everything looked ok. There was a strong heartbeat, the baby was measuring the correct size. They had found out they were having a girl!  
  


  
Emily is in the middle of her game, on the other side of the country, when Kelley starts cramping. She’s out at a bar with Lindsey and Tobin when Kelley starts bleeding. And this time, it isn’t inconsequential; this is actual clots. Kelley knows immediately that something is seriously wrong and she shuts off her emotions and goes into a robotic state of finding a way to function when the unimaginable is happing to her.

She calls Emily.  
  
No answer.

Over and over, there is no answer.  
  
Emily’s phone is in her back pocket and the bar is loud.  
  
  


By the time Lindsey has dropped her back off at the team hotel, and Emily finally looks at her phone, she has 19 missed calls from Kelley.  
  
It’s almost 2 am, but she calls Kelley back.  
  


* * *

  
By that time, Kelley has already driven herself to the hospital. Her phone is out of reach on the bedside table. Doctors and nurses are in and out of the room, hooking her up to monitors and drips, drawing blood, and talking in hushed tones.

Everything is a blur.

She can only pick out a few words here and there.  
  
 _Incompetent cervix_

_16 weeks 3 days_

_D &C_

_Husband. No, wife._   
  
_Out of town._

_Hemorrhage_

_Cerclage_   
  
_Next time._

  
Emily’s not here. She needs Emily here.

* * *

  
Emily is already at the Portland Airport. She ordered an Uber as soon as Kelley didn’t pick up. She knows, deep down in her heart, that something is wrong. Kelley doesn’t call her like that when she’s on the road. Kelley doesn’t have a jealous bone in her body. Kelley likes to pretend sometimes that she’s jealous, because it’s a turn on, but Kelley knows that Emily worships the ground she walks on. So this isn’t Kelley calling repeatedly wanting to know where Emily is or who she’s with. Kelley has never called her repeatedly.

Emily didn’t even make it up to her room; someone else can get her shit. She books a flight at 5:25 am back to Atlanta. It was the earliest flight back home. It doesn’t get into Atlanta until noon.

Emily knows deep down that’s not soon enough.  
  
She’s stuck. Four and a half hours away from her wife by plane, in an airport that isn’t even open yet.

* * *

“You’re having a miscarriage.”

Kelley doesn’t even know who actually says it. A doctor, a nurse? It doesn’t exactly matter. She just can’t find where the sound came from.

  
  
 _Four words_.

Four words to end the life she has and the one growing inside her.  
  
Four words to change who she is.

  
  
In those few weeks of pregnancy, she’d already envisioned an entire life. What the baby’s going to look like, where she’ll go to college. Kelley and Emily had laughed countless times about that, arguing over Stanford or UVA, and finally agreeing anywhere but UNC would be just fine with them.

But now? Now she’s losing their child’s entire life. What could have been. What _should_ have been.  
  
Kelley finally gets someone to hand her her phone. She’s got dozens of missed calls from Emily.  
  


When Emily answers the phone, Kelley is crying. She can’t explain what’s happening, not fully at least. She knows what’s happening, she just can’t find all the right words. She just needs Emily to be there.  
  
Emily is stoic over the phone. There has to be a mistake. This cannot be happening. Not to them. Not to their baby girl. Someone made a mistake. Someone is wrong. Kelley is not going into labor. Not today. It’s too early.  
  


Within a few hours of checking herself into the hospital, Kelley is having contractions. She begs their baby girl to stop trying to see this big, beautiful world so soon.  
  
This can’t be happening, she tries to reason with herself.  
  
There has to be a medicine that will stop it, she reasons with the nurses.  
  
She has an incompetent cervix, they say. As if that’s what any woman needs to hear at a time like this, when she’s already feeling guilty. That she’s incompetent.

There was no way to predict it. It only happens in about 1% of pregnancies, and most often in the second trimester.

It’s too late for a cerclage. But next time, she can have one done.

Next time. As if Kelley can even fathom a next time.

The nurses beg her to let them call her parents. She just wants Emily. Emily who fixes everything. Emily who has always been able to put a smile on her face.  
  
It’s too soon.  
  
Their baby needs to stay inside.

Three and a half more weeks and the pregnancy will be viable.

Three and a half weeks is nothing. Surely they can do something to keep the baby inside for three and a half more weeks. They don't know her. They don't know how strong she is. She can do anything.  
  
The nurses just want to know where her wife is, when she’ll be here. They know Emily needs to be here for this, for Kelley and for herself.  
  
Kelley silently begs their baby girl to wait for her Mommy.  
  
  


Kelley’s contractions intensify. She doesn’t push, even though every fiber of her body is telling her to push, forcing her to push. She does the opposite of push. She does everything she can to hold the baby in. But by 10 am, she feels the baby’s head and screams for the nurses.  
  
Their baby girl didn’t wait.

Kelley holds her lifeless body, wrapped in a tiny white blanket, for almost two hours before Emily arrives. It’s two hours that she has to count her ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes. To see that each one has a tiny fingernail or a toenail. To memorize her ears and the shape of her button nose - it’s Kelley’s nose. But her lips? It doesn’t matter how impossible it might be. Their baby has Emily’s mouth, there’s no doubt about it.  
  
The nurses take her away just before Emily arrives, to take pictures for them, to try to get her handprints and footprints. But Kelley doesn’t even know how that’s possible. Her entire hand is the size of the first joint on Kelley’s pinky finger.  
  
So when Emily arrives, there’s no baby in Kelley’s arms. No reason to believe that any of what she feared, of what Kelley said, was actually true. Until she sees Kelley’s face, and she just _knows_. Emily can’t speak. She just goes to Kelley and holds her and they cry silently together.   
  
But when the nurses bring their baby back in and ask Emily if she wants to see her, to hold her, the way Emily cries is like nothing Kelley has ever heard before. That sound will haunt her for the rest of her life.

Emily doesn’t want to, doesn’t think she will survive it, but Kelley tells her she has to. For closure. As if it’s even possible to find closure when something like this happens. 

Emily sees all of her hopes and dreams fading away in the perfect, lifeless body of their baby girl. The baby girl she was going to bounce on her knees and carry around on her shoulders. The baby girl she was going to toss in the air until they both couldn’t breathe anymore from a fit of giggles. The baby girl she’d make handprint art with for Kelley on Mother’s Day. Emily had a whole life planned for her that will never happen. 

The nurses come back in to take her away for the last time, but Emily doesn’t want to let her go. Can’t let her go. She’s held her for an hour, but it’s not long enough. Anything short of a lifetime wouldn’t be long enough. The nurses let Emily hold her while they discuss things that need to be discussed. 

Hard things.

Things you should never have to discuss because you should never have to bury your child. 

_Would you like us to take pictures of the three of you? This will be your only chance._

_Do you want her cremated?_

_Are you going to bury her? If so, where?_

_Does she have a name?_

A name. They hadn’t picked a name. They had talked about it. But they were supposed to have another five months...

Emily wants to name her Mia. It means wished-for child.

Kelley wants to name her Abilene. It means of the grass that grows here. Like the yard at the house Emily picked out to raise their children.

They go with Mia Abilene Sonnett-O’Hara.  
  


* * *

Kelley gets up to go to the bathroom and blood gushes from between her legs. The room goes silent for a second before then nurses are running around, paging a doctor, dragging in machinery.   
  
They use an ultrasound to check Kelley’s uterus. A piece of placenta is still inside her, causing her to hemorrhage. As Kelley begins to slip in and out of consciousness, a nurse turns to Emily to make the decision: they can wait for an anesthesiologist but Kelley will continue losing blood. It will require a blood transfusion. Or they can do an unmedicated D&C right now. But she won’t stop bleeding until they remove that piece of placenta still inside her. Emily chooses the latter; she can’t let Kelley keep bleeding and possibly lose her too. Moms die in childbirth. She knows this. She’s been reading. More moms die in childbirth in the US than in any other developed country in the world. Emily won’t survive if she loses Kelley too.   
  
An unmedicated D&C is incredibly painful. Emily had no way of knowing that. She didn’t even know what one was, hadn’t researched that, didn’t have time to ask. But she’ll never forget the intense noises of the machine and Kelley crying. 

Emily doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to get those sounds out of her head. They will be in her nightmares forever.

And all she can do is hold Kelley and promise that she’ll keep holding her until everything’s all right.   
  


She just had no way of knowing she wouldn’t even have the strength to hold herself up, much less hold Kelley, too.

And she’ll never say the words again “everything’s all right,” because she doesn’t think everything will ever be all right ever again. 


	11. Babe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermath, pt. 1

_What a waste.  
_ _Taking down the pictures  
_ _and the plans we made, yeah.  
_ _And it's strange how your face  
_ _doesn't look so innocent.  
_ _Your secret has its consequence  
_ _and that's on you, babe._

_I break down every time you call  
We're a wreck, you're the wrecking ball  
_ _We said no one else, how could you do this, babe?_

_You really blew this, babe  
_ _We ain't getting through this one, babe  
_ _This is the last time I'll ever call you, babe_

_Since you admitted it, I keep picturing  
_ _Her lips on your neck, I can't unsee it  
_ _I hate that because of you,  
_ _I can't love you  
_ _Babe_

For two days, neither woman says a single word to each other. There’s nothing to say to fix it, and neither one has the energy to comfort the other. Kelley feels like it was all her fault, she feels guilty for not being able to save their baby. Emily feels guilty for not being there, not that she could have done anything. They hate themselves. They hate the world. Kelley doesn’t know about Emily, but Kelley hates their God. They can’t forgive themselves. They can’t even look at each other. 

Kelley speaks first, when the funeral home calls to confirm the burial. Kelley wanted a cremation, and to do something meaningful with the ashes; Emily insisted on a burial. She let Emily have what she wanted. It means more to Emily, what happens with the body, than it means to her. She asks Emily if she wants to speak at the ceremony tomorrow. Emily looks at her, turns, puts on her running shoes, and leaves the house. She doesn’t come back for two hours. When she does, she still doesn’t speak. That night in bed, when Kelley reaches across the chasm between them to touch Emily’s arm, Emily jerks away likes she’s been burned, then gets up and goes to sleep on the couch. 

The following morning, Emily drives Kelley to the cemetery. Their parents are there, their siblings are there. But Emily refuses to get out of the car. She sits in the driver’s seat until it’s over, staring straight ahead, and then drives Kelley back home and goes for another run. 

Later that evening, when Kelley tries to tell Emily that’s she’s worried about her because she hasn’t seen her eat in a couple of days, Emily finally speaks.

Well, it’s more like she yells, actually. “Stop trying to be my mother!” She doesn’t realize what she’s said until it’s too late. Tears fall from Kelley’s eyes and she goes to their bedroom. Emily finds her there under the covers. She sits in the edge of the bed, and touches Kelley’s arm over the covers. “I’m sorry, Kelley,” she says softly. “I’m fine. I’ll eat when I’m hungry. It’s not like you’ve been eating either. Can I order something for you?”

Kelley shakes her head weakly. 

“All right then.” Emily starts to stand, but Kelley reaches for her. This time, Emily jerks, but she doesn’t pull away. “Why didn’t you get out of the car today?” she asks Emily through her tears.

”Oh fucking hell!” Emily screams. “I don’t have to talk to you about this.”

Emily’s never talked to her like this. Ever. She’s too taken aback to even cry any more tears. “We do have to talk about this. She was our baby.”

Emily walks to the bedroom door, stops, and turns around. “We can try again, you know,” she says, almost so quietly that Kelley can’t hear her. 

“Why? So we can go through this all over again. Like my cervix isn’t going to be incompetent this time? Like I’m not going to fail at the one thing I was made to do? I don’t think so.”

Emily leaves their bedroom and sleeps on the couch again.

In their darkest hour, at their lowest point, Emily and Kelley are too broken to turn to each other. 

Emily turns to the two things she knows best - soccer and God. She doesn’t miss a game, even after her coach all but demands she take time off. And she doesn’t miss a Sunday in Church, even when it meant finding a random one on the road. 

Kelley couldn’t really forgive Emily for either of those things - not for going back to work right away and certainly not for trying to make things right with the God that had taken their baby from them.   
  
Not that the way Kelley is handling it is any better, turning to alcohol even before she had finished her pain meds. The drinking numbs the pain. The drinking with painkillers makes her black out. It’s far preferable to remembering. She tried to turn to Emily and Emily pushed her away, too consumed in her own grief to help Kelley through hers. All she wanted was for Emily to touch her, hug her, hold her...

* * *

Between finishing the season with Atlanta, the World Cup Victory Tour, and USWNT camps for the Olympics, Emily is hardly home. When she is, she sleeps on the couch. Neither one of them really wants Emily to be home sometimes. Their fights come in waves between the silence. 

Emily wants Kelley to stop drinking. Kelley doesn’t see the point. And it’s not like Emily is home enough to stop her. Or to have a say.

Kelley wants Emily to stop playing the rest of the season and process what happened. Emily says this is the only way that she can process anything. But it’s really an escape as much as alcohol is. 

Emily wants Kelley to come to church with her. Kelley says God doesn’t exist.

Kelley wants them to go to therapy, but she can’t say the words out loud and Emily can’t read her mind.

Emily wants to try again in December, when the doctor says it’s safe. Kelley tells her to fuck off and carry the baby herself; maybe she’s more competent. 

Kelley wants to have sex with her wife. The doctor says it’s fine. Kelley needs the connection, the human touch. She needs to be loved. To feel like Emily still loves her and still wants her. Maybe she needs to get lost in it all too. Maybe she needs the distraction. Emily can’t get the sights and the sounds of the procedure the doctor did on Kelley out of her head. Emily won’t touch her.

Emily wants to go stay in Portland for awhile now that the season has ended. Kelley screams at her for not being there when their baby died, not being there for her when it happened. So Emily stays. But she’s not with Kelley, not emotionally.

* * *

  
**January, 2024**

“Please don’t go,” Kelley begs. “Please, Emily. I need you here. I can’t keep doing this without you.”

”You’ll be fine. Just try to remember to order some food every now and then between the alcohol,” Emily says cruelly. 

”Maybe I wouldn’t drink so goddamn much if you would be here for me, if you would talk to me. If you would touch me. I’m your wife...” Kelley trails off.

It doesn’t seem like it anymore though, not to Emily. She feels like she lost her wife that day, almost four months ago. She didn’t, Kelley’s still here, but Kelley’s just a shell of the person she was before, and Emily doesn’t recognize her. Kelley doesn’t recognize Emily either, for that matter. 

Emily finishes packing her bag and throws it in the back of her car before heading to the airport without so much as a goodbye. She has camp. What else is she supposed to do?

* * *

That night, Kelley goes out. It’s the first time she’s gone out in four months. It’s the first time she’s gone out without Emily since before they were engaged. She feels this urge to get out of their house that she can’t describe. To run, even if she can't run far.

Kelley figures she probably looks like complete shit. She’s lost so much weight from not eating, not like she had much to lose. There are bags under her eyes and the blush only accentuates the gaunt appearance of her cheeks. Her eyes look dead. She doesn’t even recognize herself in the mirror. But she goes out anyway.

And she gets hit on. In spite of her wedding ring. In spite of her appearance. Women buy her drinks. Women ask her to dance. Women offer to take her home. For the first time in four months, she feels like a human again. She feels _wanted_ again. She feels _good_ again. Just a little. Just enough to take the edge off. She wanted Emily to make her feel good, but she didn’t, so she's gone looking for it elsewhere. 

She doesn’t go home with anyone that night. Or then next. She’s married. Even if it doesn’t feel like it anymore. Even if it hasn’t felt like it in four months.

* * *

The third time Kelley goes out is different. She feels better. Prettier. Not so tired. So when a beautiful woman with chestnut hair sidles up next to her at the bar and starts flirting with her, Kelley buys her a drink.

The woman looks in Kelley’s eyes when she talks. She leans close to Kelley to hear her over the music. She throws her head back when she laughs and she touches Kelley on the arm or the shoulder or the lower back. She asks Kelley to dance. The way she moves on the dance floor is like it’s second-nature to her. She doesn’t dance like Emily, she’s not organically funny like Emily. She doesn’t smell like Emily, doesn’t smile like Emily, and when she kisses Kelley on the dance floor, she doesn’t taste like Emily. Somehow, four months after they last kissed as Emily walked out the door to fly to Portland for a game, Kelley can still remember what her lips taste like, and she longs to taste those lips again. Not some stranger’s.

But this woman is not cold like Emily. And she makes Kelley feel wanted. And sexy again. _Human_ again. Kelley thinks maybe that’s enough. At least for now. At least tonight. She’s too drunk to even consider what this will do to Emily, to their marriage. Too drunk to consider how wrong this is. Or too broken to consider it, maybe.

Kelley asks the woman if she wants to come home with her. To her big empty house, with no wife and no kids. She leaves that part out, but she’s thinking it. She doesn’t even know the woman’s name. She thinks she remembers her introducing herself. But between the alcohol and her mind going a dozen different places at the same time, she didn’t really pay attention. And it doesn’t really matter.

* * *

They get an Uber. Kelley unlocks her front door. They’re kissing before they’re even inside. This woman’s lips and hands feel so good on Kelley’s body. They don’t feel like Emily’s but this woman is making Kelley _feel_ again. For the first time in four months, she can actually feel something besides pain, besides emptiness, besides loneliness. 

They kiss their way into Emily and Kelley’s bedroom. The woman undresses Kelley slowly. Like she knows. Like she knows how scared Kelley is to have someone see her like this again, vulnerable. But it’s dark, and she’s drunk, and the woman’s hands are steady. And oh god is she good.

She’s so good that Kelley doesn’t hear the front door of their house open. Doesn’t hear it click behind Emily as she closes it. Doesn’t know Emily’s even home until she flicks their bedroom light on.

And now Emily has a new memory burned into her brain. It’s the imagine of Kelley naked, hands gripping their headboard, centered above some naked woman’s face. Kelley’s head is thrown back in ecstasy, her hair messy and flying every which way. And the woman’s hands are on her wife’s hips, guiding her as she fucks Kelley with her tongue.   
  


That memory will sit next to all the others that won’t go away.

The way Kelley grabbed her and kissed her the first time, so full of want.

The way the light reflected in Kelley’s eyes the night Emily proposed.

The way her voice sounded, so soft and scratchy, when she said “Let’s make a baby.”

The way their baby girl looked, too tiny to survive, in this cold, horrible world. 

The sights and sounds in that hospital room. 

Emily had done her best to avoid seeing anything else bad that could be burned into her brain after that day. That included missing her own daughter’s funeral.

But now she had another image she’d never be able to get rid of. 

* * *

Everything after that seems like such a blur. Screaming. Crying. The two women scrambling to get dressed. Some stranger hurrying out of her house. Emily sliding down to the floor against their bedroom wall. Kelley asking why she’s even home. Kelley apologizing a million times over. Claiming it didn’t mean anything. Claiming it was the first time. 

Emily had finally done the right thing. She had arrived at camp and realized that for the past four months, she hadn’t been there for her wife. Hadn’t supported her. Hadn’t loved her. Hadn’t lived up to her vows. So she walked into the coaching office and told them they could cut her from the qualifying roster, cut her from the Olympic roster if they wanted, but she was going home to take care of her wife.

And now here she is, sitting on the floor in a pile of tears, without a wife. 

When she finds the strength again, she stands. “You need to leave.”

”No, Em. I’m not. We can fix this. _I_ can fix this. It didn’t mean anything.”

”There’s no fixing this. You cheated on me. How many times, Kell? Is this what you’ve been doing every time I went away?” Not that it matters if it’s been one time or a dozen.

”It’s the only time. I promise! Please, Em. Talk to me,” Kelley begs.

”If you’re not leaving, I am,” Emily ignores her.

”Emily no. You’re my wife. You can’t just walk out.” Kelley is crying like she hasn’t cried since that day.

”I’m not your wife. Not anymore. Not after this. You forced me out. The minute you fucked someone else. Text me when you’ve moved out,” Emily says as she throws a few changes of clothes into a bag.

”I just wanted someone to love me again,” Kelley cries. The arms of a stranger were better than nothing, at least she thought they were in that moment. “You’ve haven’t touched me in four months. You won’t even look at me. What was I supposed to do?”

Emily stops and looks at Kelley, _really_ looks at her for the first time in ages. Finally sees this woman standing before her, broken. She knows Kelley’s not wrong, but it doesn’t matter. 

“I needed you, Em. I needed you to be there for me and you weren’t.”

”You aren’t the only one who lost someone in all of this, Kell,” Emily screams. “You aren’t the only one who was hurting. Just because you carried her doesn’t mean that I don’t love her just as much. I love her, Kell. I miss her. Just as much as you. But I didn’t cheat on you. I had planned out her whole life. And now she’s gone. You don’t get to cheat just because you’re hurt. Who gave you the right to break us, too?” The tears are running freely down Emily’s face now.

”I just needed you to hold me, Em. When I was at my darkest point, I just needed you to hold me. And you wouldn’t.”

”Stop blaming me. You did this. Text me when you’re out. We’ll sell the house or whatever.” With that, Emily turns and leaves their bedroom. Kelley hears the front door slam and Emily's car start in the drive. She knows she’s gone. Forever. Just like their baby is gone forever. And she knows she did this and that she can’t fix it. Kelley collapses on the floor.


	12. Keep You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermath, pt. 2  
> From both perspectives

_Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you._   
_So in a way, I'm glad you're still here._   
_It's a bitter sweet victory._   
_Lovin' the ghost in front of me._

_Now I can't laugh, can't cry._   
_And I can't run, can't hide._

_What do I gotta do?_   
_What do I gotta do to keep you?_   
_What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?_

_I wrote a couple of notes._   
_One in love, one in anger._   
_They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer._

_Lived louder than my voice.  
_ _Struggled through a stranger.  
_ _She loved me until I loved you even more._

_It's a bitter sweet victory._   
_Knowing someone else wanted me._

_You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting_   
_Till you can't feel anything._

_You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it._   
_As if your words were my tears._   
_Flowing freely, warm and quiet._   
_From the edges of my eyes and my ears._   
_Then all that disappears._

* * *

  
  
**KELLEY**

**January, 2024**  
Kelley has always been good at turning off her feelings when she’s had to. It’s a form of self-preservation. The only way she doesn’t collapse into a heap of tears and anger, despair and fear, is to become like a robot. It’s the only way to get things done. And there’s a lot she has to get done.

The first thing she does the next morning is go to the bank. She pays off the house and fills out paperwork to put it in Emily’s name alone. She leaves the paperwork and a note on the counter, explaining to Emily that the home is now hers if she signs on the line. She can keep it or sell it. She tells Emily to stay in Georgia, to keep playing for Atlanta. Kelley’s leaving. She doesn’t want Emily to have to. Emily always loved Georgia more than Kelley did. 

Next, she emails Laura Harvey and asks about a position, even a volunteer position, coaching the youth or practice squad for URFC. Emily found solace in soccer; maybe Kelley can too. Besides, she has to do _something_ with her life, now that she’s not going to be a mom or a wife. Harvey emails her back right away, because she’s Harvey and because she adores Kelley. Of course she’ll find somewhere for Kelley, but she’s rather Kelley come out of retirement. She’s 35, she might have a couple more years left in her. But she can’t. She can’t ever step on the same field as Emily again. She wants to go back to Utah. Well, she wants to go to California. Somewhere sunny and airy, somewhere beautiful and happy. But she doesn’t deserve any of those things. She’s not worthy of California. Kelley always hated the desert, all dry and inhospitable. Lonely. Unforgiving. The desert is what she deserves. Maybe she can find solace in the desert. 

Finally, she begins packing. Just her stuff -clothes, books, memories from her career. It’s really not that much actually. She leaves everything that’s theirs - everything they bought together, all the memories they shared together. It feels awkward leaving those memories behind, the best memories she’s ever had. It hurts to leave the photos and love letters, the little things Emily has drawn for her on scraps of paper, the fortunes they’ve saved from all their takeout, as much as it hurts to see them again. But it’s not her place to take them; they belong to Emily too. Emily probably doesn’t want them, and it seems cruel to make her sort through them and throw them out, because Emily hates her and probably doesn’t want a reminder of any of it. But what if...

All of Kelley’s belongings fit in her car. It’s sad really, that this is what her life with Emily boils down to. She stops at the front door and looks back at their home. Everything is still there, but it feels so empty. This house, that Emily wanted, this house, that they turned into a home, will never be the same again. And Kelley did that. She knows she did that. She could stay, try to fight for Emily, but what’s the point anymore? Emily doesn’t love her. Hasn’t loved her for months. Certainly won’t ever love her again now. She can’t take it back. Can’t fix it. Doesn’t have the energy to try. She closes the door, gets in her car, and sends a text to Emily before heading west. 

_I’m all done. You can go back home now if you want._

**December, 2026**

Kelley still goes home to Georgia every Christmas, to Peachtree City, not Marietta anymore, not for the last few years. It’s the only time she still goes home to see her family. And it’s hard - to be in Georgia without Emily - even 3 years later. She stays away from the state entirely except for the holidays, which is unbelievable to her, truly, because she never thought she’d leave. But there are just too many memories here for her to be able to function properly. And besides, she knew if she stayed in Georgia, Emily wouldn’t, and that wouldn’t be fair to Emily. She had done nothing wrong in all of this. Kelley really believes that now. 

When Kelley moved back to Utah, she moved there for good. She’s now Laura’s assistant. Everyone knows that she’ll take over the team when Laura retires.  
  
But being home brings back a flood of memories. They had been so good together. _So_ good. So in love. So happy. They had navigated falling for each other as teammates. They had navigated living in and playing in different cities for eight months out of the year. They navigated the invasions of their privacy and the incessant social media stalking. They got through Kelley not making the Olympic roster. Their engagement on Kelley’s front porch, their wedding on the beach, both seem like they happened yesterday. Burying their daughter seems like it happened a lifetime ago. The house she shared with Emily is just a distant memory, one that fades more and more every year.

But Kelley still misses her. So much. She has no idea what’s going on with Emily, other than she’s still playing soccer. She finally stopped asking mutual friends and teammates about her a year and a half ago. After Lindsey confronted her for the second time.   
  


**February, 2024**

The first time Lindsey had confronted her had been only six weeks after Kelley had left, not counting the screaming Lindsey had done over the phone the day after it happened. Almost as soon as Kelley had found an apartment in Sandy, she her turned around and flown back to Atlanta. When she had started unpacking, she had found Emily’s family bible, given to Emily on her wedding day by her mother, in her box of World Cup mementos. She didn’t know how it had gotten in there, probably when they were putting things away to make room for the baby. She could mail it back, but she didn’t know where Emily was living, and even if she mailed it back to Jane, it was a precious family heirloom, too risky to mail. She she had flown to Atlanta and hand delivered it. She hadn’t meant to stay long. But Bill wasn’t there. Probably lucky for Kelley anyway. Jane had hugged her and held her and told Kelley she still loved her. Told her she understood why she had done it, but that she also understood why Emily couldn’t forgive her. Jane had also confronted Kelley about her drinking, and taken Kelley to her first AA meeting before she flew back. Kelley has been sober since, and there was no way she could ever thank Jane enough for giving her her life back. Well part of it, at least.  


But as Kelley started going through AA, she had to make amends, and the person she needed to see was her now-ex wife. She found out from Tobin that Emily was staying with Lindsey in Portland until the season started. So she flew to Portland.

“I’m not going to let you see her, Kelley,” Lindsey said, standing on the front porch of her townhome. “She’s finally able to get out of bed. Finally able to eat. She smiled yesterday. For the first time in over a month.You’re not going to ruin that.”

“But I’m supposed to make amends,” Kelley had argued. 

“The only person that helps is you.I’m not interested in helping you. I’m interested in protecting her.”

Kelley’s eyes fell because she knew Lindsey was right. She turned to leave, but Lindsey stopped her.

“Kell, wait.” She turned back around and looked expectantly at Lindsey.“She didn’t run to me because she was in love with me.We’re not together.I just thought you should know that.In case you were wondering.”Lindsey’s voice had softened. Kelley had been wondering, had assumed that actually. “We’re not together,” Lindsey repeated. “I’m engaged.”

Kelley blinked at her.“To Russell?” she asked, even though it wasn’t her business. Lindsey nodded. Kelley looked down and shuffled her feet. “I know it’s not my place, and I’m the last person you should take advice from, but...” she hesitated. “He’s not it for you Lindsey.I don’t know if _she_ is,” Kelley continued, nodding towards the house, “but he’s not right for you.You deserve better.You deserve _her_. And she deserves you.”It pained Kelley to say that. So much. But she meant it. She wanted Emily to be happy. And she thought maybe Lindsey could make her happy.

With that, Kelley turned on her heel and began to walk back to the car. She heard Lindsey say something over her shoulder, but she made the conscious decision not to react, to pretend like she didn’t hear Lindsey. But she did. “She never loved me like she loved you, Kell. She had a crush on me. You were her world. You were always her world.”Hot tears stung Kelley’s eyes. 

**  
May, 2025**

The second time Lindsey confronted Kelley was in the tunnel after the Utah-Portland game, the first time Kelley had seen Lindsey since her promotion to assistant. Lindsey cornered her in a hallway after the game, demanding that they go somewhere and talk.

The fire in Lindsey’s eyes was burning so redhot that Kelley considered for a moment suggesting a public place, but she didn’t want her business out there, more than it already was, so she let Lindsey come over to her apartment. At first, she didn’t know why Lindsey was so mad, it wasn’t like she was calling incessantly anymore, not like she used to. Every once in awhile, when she wanted to take a drink but knew she couldn’t, Kelley might call or send a text, but it wasn’t that often. Just when the loneliness got to her, when some stupid part of her brain told her to see if Emily had forgiven her yet. Emily never responded.

But that night, Lindsey had yelled at Kelley, just like she had yelled at her when she found out that Kelley had broken Emily’s heart. This time, it was for a different reason though. Emily had moved on, met someone. She was happy. Trying to be be happy. She didn’t need the reminders of her life with Kelley creeping into her new relationship. Lindsey wanted it to stop, and she knew Emily wasn’t going to say it, so she did it for her. Lindsey and Emily may have been playing on separate teams for a while now, but Lindsey was still Emily’s best friend, and was still going to protect her. She had shoved Kelley up against a wall, jammed her finger into her chest as she talked, hard enough to leave a faint bruise. And Kelley had stood there, unmoving, taking it, because she deserved it. She couldn’t unhear the anger in Lindsey’s voice anymore than she could unhear the slamming of her apartment door, the way it rattled all the windows and the trinkets on her mantle.

**  
December, 2026**

She could call Emily. Maybe. Unless she’s blocked Kelley’s number, or changed her own, but she gave up calling over a year and a half ago, when Lindsey had finally had that come to Jesus talk with her. As much as it hurts her, she’s glad Emily had a friend like that to see her through all of it. To look out for her. To keep Kelley away from her. Kelley didn’t have anyone to help her through it, other than AA and Laura. Alex would have, but she was busy raising her own kids. And Kelley couldn’t look her in the eye anyway.  
  


She could go by Emily’s parents’ house, see if Emily’s there for the holidays, but she figures that as nice as Bill and Jane are, they wouldn’t want to see her, and they certainly wouldn’t let her see Emily.

What she can’t do is go by their old house. Well, it’s Emily’s house. But honestly, she doesn’t know if Emily still lives there, maybe with her new girlfriend, or if she had sold it and moved out. She can’t handle driving by to see. She’s never once been able to, not since she cleared out all of her stuff that fateful day, that long, heartbreaking process of separating lives that had been intertwined for years. It’s out of the question. She’s too afraid of what she’ll see. She she turns off and heads to Peachtree City instead.

* * *

  
**EMILY**

**January, 2024**

Emily doesn’t come home when she gets Kelley’s text saying she’s gone. She headed to the airport that night. Caught a flight to a Portland the next morning. Stays there until the last possible second when she has to come back for the season. She doesn’t even come back for preseason. No one gives her a hard time about it. They know. They all know. Their eyes burn into Emily as they watch her walk through the facilities in Atlanta.

She didn’t have to deal with that with Lindsey in Portland. Lindsey kept her safe. Fed her when she refused to eat, when she couldn’t even lift her own spoon. Carried her out of the bed and bathed her, washed her hair, everyday until she could walk. Held her tight through every panic attack. Never made her sleep alone. Didn’t make her leave the house until she was ready. She wouldn’t have survived if it hadn’t been for Lindsey. They both know this. Emily also knows that Lindsey is for her what she was supposed to be for Kelley.

  
**April, 2024**

Going back to Georgia was harder than Emily had anticipated it would be, without Lindsey’s shield. But she does it. She sinks to her knees when she opens the door to her house for the first time. It’s cold and the air is stale. No one’s been in it since January. It seems almost untouched, except for Kelley’s closet and dresser. Like Kelley could just come around the corner any minute and things would still be the same. But they’ll never be the same. 

Emily can’t live here anymore, even if the house is all hers now. It was a nice gesture, Kelley paying it off. But what is she supposed to do with a house this big? And yet... she can’t let it go. The thought of it being someone else’s house all but destroys her. She had planned their whole lives in this home, down to them sitting on the front porch drinking coffee, hair starting to turn gray. This house was supposed to be forever. _They_ were supposed to be forever. She asks her real estate agent to rent it, and she moves into a high-rise in downtown Atlanta. If she squints really hard, she can see the stadium from her balcony. It’s not bad. It could be worse.

She packs up her stuff, boxes up their memories and puts them in storage. She can’t get rid of them. They were so in love. That love meant something, even if it doesn’t now. Kelley calls and texts, almost incessantly at first. Emily could block the number, or change hers, but she needs that painful reminder, deserves that painful reminder of Kelley’s name appearing on her screen. She never answers, never texts back, but deep down, somewhere she knows that the failure of their marriage wasn’t all Kelley’s fault. Emily wants to suffer too. Kelley’s name reminds her like picking a scab off a wound does. 

There was one time she almost called back though. Emily was sitting on the floor of their home, going through pictures, carefully boxing up their marriage photos and those tiny ultrasound photos. She missed Kelley’s call. Didn’t hear it. Just like she didn’t hear it that fateful night when her phone was in her pocket. This time, it’s on silent on the kitchen table, but it conjures up the same desperation to talk to Kelley immediately, as if there’s some sort of emergency, even though there’s not.

Emily doesn’t call back. As much as she wants to, she doesn’t.

**August, 2024**

Emily wins another Olympic gold, probably her last, given her age. She doesn’t even care. Lindsey watches her toss it aside as they get back to their room in the Olympic Village. It’s then that Lindsey steps in and all but forces Emily to agree to counseling. Emily knows she needs it, but the last thing she wants to hear out loud is someone telling her that she failed Kelley almost as much as Kelley failed her.   
  


She doesn’t hate her therapist. Even if her therapist basically says exactly what Emily knew she’d say. She doesn’t even say it, per say, just leads Emily there, and when she’s ready to admit it, she finally does. Her therapist tells her she might want to start journaling, as a way to get her feelings out. She has so many big feelings, so many things she needs to say - to Kelley, to their baby - but she can’t, at least not to Kelley. So she writes. She writes about how Kelley broke her, how she can’t love anymore, can’t trust anymore. She writes about how much she hates Kelley, will never forgive Kelley. And she writes about how much she loves Kelley. How she doesn’t blame her anymore, how she thinks if she were to see her at the right time in the right place, not right now but... sometime... she might could forgive her. That is, if Kelley could forgive her, too. Emily doubts that Kelley ever could. Emily was a horrid person for those four months after the miscarriage. She throws her journal in her dresser drawer. Writing isn’t going to help because Kelley will never read those letters anyway. She starts visiting the cemetery where their daughter is buried and talking to her instead.

**May, 2025**

Emily meets a woman, a beautiful, and kind, and patient woman, at a nursery in Atlanta. The woman was there shopping for seedlings for her garden, but she kept passing Emily, trying to catch Emily’s eye, until she finally spoke to Emily about the items in her cart. It was hard to not dismiss the stranger, it was scary. She’s the first woman Emily has talked to in over a year, since Kelley. She figures it’s probably time. She gives the woman her number. 

They go out a few times. She’s not Kelley, but she’s warm and funny and easy to talk to. She finally goes home with the woman, to bed with this woman. She’s definitely not Kelley.   
  
She tells Lindsey she met someone, and strangely after that, Kelley never calls or texts again. Emily doesn’t think it’s a coincidence. She doesn’t believe in coincidences anymore. On the outside, she acts as if this relationship could actually go somewhere. Her friends are excited for her. Lindsey is over the moon for her. But on the inside? On the inside, she feels like this woman is a stranger. She’s not Kelley. She’ll never be Kelley. Never feel like home. Emily catches herself thinking of Kelley when she’s sleeping with this woman. She starts dreaming about Kelley. Some nights, she pictures Kelley there with her. Feels Kelley in bed beside her. But no one’s there. 

The woman tells Emily that she’s in love with her. Emily says it back, almost reflexively. She knows deep down she doesn’t mean it. It’s not this woman, it’s her. It’s Kelley. She won’t tell anybody, but she just doesn’t feel much of anything anymore. She’s numb to everything except two feelings - the hatred she has towards herself for not being there for her wife, and the longing she has to see Kelley again, to hold her and touch her and try to fix everything. Except she can’t. So she just hates herself even more.

**April, 2026**

Emily’s quite proud of herself, of how well she is able to cope, to fake things. She doesn’t think there’s a single person in her life who knows the truth about how she really feels. Not Lindsey, not her girlfriend. Some days, Emily’s pretty sure she fools herself.

Until her girlfriend asks her to move in. It feels like she’s being called out. She can’t handle it. Her panic attacks return. She calls Lindsey. Explains the situation. Says she can’t do it. Lindsey doesn’t say it, doesn’t ask. But she knows. She knows Emily is still in love with Kelley, all these years later. She never moved on. Lindsey tells her to go with her gut. Her gut has never been wrong. Emily breaks things off with her girlfriend. 

**December, 2026**

She’s at home for two weeks at Christmastime. The drive from Atlanta’s not that bad, she could have stayed in her apartment, but she doesn’t want to deal with the commute. And she misses her parents and her sister. It feels like things changed after her marriage fell apart. Really it was just Emily though, afraid of looking like the only failure, embarrassed that her parents and her sister were so happily married. She wants to change that, wants to be around them. Wants to feel comfortable at home again, even if it’s not with Kelley. 

She wonders if Kelley is home too. Wonders if Kelley is thinking about her or if she’s moved on. Wonders if Kelley ever thinks about their house. Emily imagines driving by their old street, and seeing Kelley driving by too, two broken hearts, searching for each other. On a whim, she takes a drive, but the street is quiet save for a dad playing catch with his son in the yard. Her yard. Their yard. Well, what was supposed to be their yard. It still could be; it’s just being rented...

Emily thinks about calling Kelley, thinks about driving to see her family in Peachtree City. But instead, she just drives back home.


	13. Maybe Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s midnight somewhere, right?

_Every Christmas I come back to this town  
I come lookin' through some lost and found  
Wondering if you're still hanging around down here_

_Well the holiday lights, they line these streets  
Where I once loved you, and you once loved me  
I'm sorry, it just gets to me_

_Feels like the clock stopped ticking the day I left  
I think of you and I still catch my breath  
I'm sorry, you still get to me_

_I wonder if you'll be going out  
There's only one party in this town  
Maybe baby, I'll see you this Christmas  
I hope and pray  
Or maybe baby, I'll see you on New Year’s Day_

**  
December 31, 2026**

Every Christmas when Kelley comes back to Peachtree City, when she spends these two weeks with her family, she finds herself making the hour drive north to Marietta exactly once - on New Year’s Eve. There’s only one New Year’s Eve party in town, and every year, she prays that she’ll catch a glimpse of Emily at it. They used to go to it together. She can’t imagine Emily has stopped going. Unless it’s too painful. Emily wasn’t there last year and she wasn’t there the year before. But Kelley believes in her heart, that one day, Emily will go, and maybe Kelley will see her and finally know that she’s all right. Even if she’s all right with someone else.

This year is no different. Kelley declines to ring in the New Year with her siblings and their spouses. She tells them she has plans. Gets dressed. They harass her and tell her she’s going out on a date - like they did last year, and the year before - because she’s so dressed up. Long, navy blue dress, slit up the thigh, sleeveless, low V cut, no necklace to distract from her chest, heels, big earrings.

She borrows her mom’s car, tells them not to wait up for her. Drives to Marietta. Parks the car on the street. Walks past all of the trees beautifully lit up in Christmas lights. That walk to Marietta Square, to the party, is long and hard; not physically, but emotionally. She used to walk along these streets with Emily at Christmastime, her arm tucked around Emily’s or their gloved hands held together, trying to stay warm. Sipping hot chocolate. Their freezing pink noses touching as they’d kiss. It bothers her immensely to be here at this time of year, what was their favorite time of year. Around their anniversary. It reminds her of when Emily proposed to her, the way her eyes shined against the backdrop of snow. How Emily had said that Marietta always looked better in white. She wasn’t wrong. Marietta is covered in a dusting of snow again tonight, and it definitely looks more magical.

Nothing ever changes in Marietta. It looks exactly the same as it looked three years ago. If Emily were here right now, it could _be_ like nothing has changed. And yet, it feels nothing like home. Kelley feels herself getting choked up. 

She gets to the party at 11:00. She doesn’t want to be there for long, having to make small talk with all of their old friends. Marietta’s not big. Everybody knows. It feels like the whole town is there to ring in the New Year. She scans the crowd for Emily as she moves through the square, praying that she’ll catch a glimpse of her blonde hair, probably down, barely kissing her shoulders. Part of her deal when she took the promotion in Utah was that she didn’t have to go to any games against Atlanta. She hasn’t seen Emily in almost three years, save for on a computer screen. She just wants to see her in person one more time. She doesn’t even have to talk to her. She just wants to see her even if she’s with someone else. Needs to see her actually. Maybe then Kelley will be able to move on.

* * *

It’s only about a minute or two til midnight and Kelley has just about given up. She turns to look at the big screen, the ball in New York City about to drop. She wants to get out of downtown before everyone starts to make a beeline to their cars and traffic gets bad.   
  
And then she sees her. Well then back of her anyway. But there’s no mistaking that blond hair up in a bun, the slope of that neckline, the squareness of those shoulders. She’d know those shoulders anywhere. She spent countless nights running her fingers along those bare shoulders, drinking them in, memorizing them. 

She watches from a distance, Emily almost screaming as she counts down from ten, probably on the verge of annoying everyone around her. It’s good to see she hasn’t grown up. 

The countdown hits zero. Streamers and confetti are shooting out from up on stage, where a band had played earlier. And Kelley keeps watching. Waiting to see who Emily is going to share that midnight kiss with.

Except a kiss never comes. She’s there alone. Just like Kelley is. Emily turns around and across the lawn, their eyes meet. The way their drawn to each other is like a magnetic force, stronger than either one can fight against. When they meet each other in the middle of the square, Kelley’s hand goes instinctively to Emily’s bicep, and Emily doesn’t pull away. 

”I’ve missed you so much, Em,” Kelley whispers. “I’m sorry, I’m so...”

Emily cuts off her words with a kiss. Kelley melts into her, never wanting it to end. It feels like they haven’t lost any time at all. She reaches up to Emily’s face. It’s too much, too soon. 

Emily pulls away. “Fuck! I don’t know what I was thinking,” she says, burying her head in her hands. And then it occurs to her: Kelley didn’t pull away. Kelley did the opposite of pull away. She looks through her fingers at Kelley, trying to read her. Kelley just looks hurt, and Emily doesn’t know if it’s from the kiss or from her reaction to the kiss. She can’t read Kelley anymore, not like she used to could.

Kelley slowly peels Emily’s hands away from her face, and she doesn’t let go of them. “Where’s your girlfriend?” she asks.

”Fuck, Kell, don’t start this.” Emily pulls her hands out of Kelley’s gentle grasp.

”I’m sorry, Em. I’m not trying to start anything. Lindsey told me you met- ”

”We broke up,” Emily interrupts. “I broke up with her. Because she wasn’t...” Emily can’t finish that sentence. “I’m here alone.”

”So am I,” Kelley adds quietly.   
  
“You’re not... you’re not, like, seeing anyone?” Emily asks hesitantly. “It’s ok if you are. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I didn’t mean to. It’s just it’s New Year’s. The ball drop. Midnight. Being here. Again. With you.”

”I’m not seeing anyone, Em. I haven’t gone on a single date since..”

But it’s almost like Emily doesn’t even hear her. “I shouldn’t have kissed you, Kell. It was a mistake. It’ll never happen again. I’m sorry. It can’t happen again.”

Emily watches Kelley’s face fall as Kelley mumbles a halfhearted “Yeah. You’re right. Of course you’re right.”

Emily looks like she’s about to turn away, to leave. Kelley grabs her arm, stopping her. “It’s just, you feel like home, Em. When I saw you, a minute ago, it just felt like I had finally come home again, after all these years.”

”I can’t do this.” Emily looks like she’s about to cry. “I have to go. I can’t do this.” She disappears into the crowd, leaving Kelley in the middle of the square alone, tears filling her eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter left!


	14. Unlove You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seatbelt sign is off. You are free to move about the cabin. Happy New Year’s Day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s so damn long. They have three years of stuff to talk about.

_I could break down and cry, la_ u _gh it off and deny.  
_ _Draw lines in the sand_ _and count on both hands  
_ _all the reasons why.  
_ _This just won’t work._ _It’ll be nothing but hurt.  
_ _I can swear that I don’t_ _and maybe one day I won’t,  
_ _but for how hard I’ve tried._

 _I can’t unlove you,_ _and the heart can’t_ _unbreak.  
_ _I can’t unfeel how it felt_ _to feel so much myself  
_ _my whole body aches.  
_ _and I can’t unknow this._ _Lord I wish I knew how.  
_ _But I can’t unlove you  
_ _so come and love me for now._

**January 1, 2027**

Kelley is jarred awake by a sharp rap on her door. It’s far too early, and she’s far too drained for this. Besides, she’d be just fine not seeing the light of day today at all after what happened last night. After she couldn’t breathe for a moment when Emily locked eyes with her. After her heart caught in her throat when Emily didn’t pull away from her touch. After her stomach flipped when Emily’s lips met hers. How could she have been so stupid to think that they’d get back together just like that? Like it had been some fucking fairytale and they were going to have a happy ending.

The knocking doesn’t stop, it just gets louder. “Kelley, I’m coming in.” It’s her mom.

Kelley grumbles and rolls over, covering her head with a pillow. 

“Honey, there’s someone here to see you.” Kelley’s mom is sitting on the edge of her bed, rubbing her back like she used to when Kelley had a bad day at school or at practice. 

“Tell whomever it is to fuck off.” Kelley wouldn’t normally talk like that in front of her mom, but last night, thinking she might have a second chance with Emily and then it getting ripped away from her, has got her not caring. Besides, at least her grammar was correct.

Oddly, Kelley’s mom doesn’t bat an eye. “Baby girl, you need to get up and go see her.”

 _Her_.

There’s only one _her_ Kelley can imagine it being. Unless it’s fucking Horan come to tell her to stop stalking Sonnett.

Kelley rolls over and looks at her mom. It’s pretty obvious Kelley was crying a lot of the night. What little of her mascara is left is smeared and her eyes are red and puffy. “Oh sweetheart,” Kelley’s mom says quietly, and Kelley _knows_ it’s not Lindsey by the way her mom says it, like Karen’s wishing she could take all the pain away, “go talk to her. She’s waiting on the porch.”

”Mamma, it’s gotta be 20 something degrees out there!”

”I know, but she won’t come inside. I got her a blanket and your Daddy’s making coffee.”

”I can’t go talk to her like this. Look at me!”

”I don’t think she cares much what you look like, Kelley,” her mom assures her. But for good measure, she goes into Kelley’s bathroom and brings out a makeup wipe so Kelley can at least get the mascara off.

Kelley pads through the house barefoot. She’s wearing some gray UA sweatpants and a long sleeve Stanford tee. She steps out onto the front porch, immediately regretting her decision to not put socks or a coat on. The moment she steps outside, her breath is taken away, and Kelley can’t decide if it’s the temperature or Emily who’s responsible for that. She crosses her arms over her chest, trying to protect her core from the cold, and leans against the house. She doesn’t know why Emily’s here, other than to reiterate how much of a mistake kissing her was. But Kelley already got that message loud and clear, so...

Emily looks so small sitting on the porch swing under a blanket. It takes Kelley a second, but then the memory punches her in the gut - same swing, same blanket as five years ago. Emily must see it on her face and realize too because she shoots up off the swing and starts pacing nervously. Kelley’s eyes follow her back and forth across the slatted porch until Emily’s pacing becomes dizzying. “What do you want Em?” she says, her voice sharp with agitation. She didn’t mean for it to come out like that. She’s just tired. And sad.

Emily’s eyes dart up to hers before she drops them again and rubs the back of her neck. It’s what she does when she’s stressed. “Um, have you eaten breakfast yet?” Emily mumbles.

”I’m pretty sure I look like absolute crap, like I just rolled out of bed. So no.”

”What? No. You’re beautiful, just like that.” Emily can’t stop herself from saying it and she blushes. She shouldn’t have said it. Even if she meant it. Kelley blushes too. “Wanna come to Waffle House?” Emily continues, nervously. It actually might be the most nervous Kelley has ever seen her.

”I don’t think anything’s open on New Year’s Day.” Kelley sounds tired, but she’s really just emotionally drained. 

“Waffle House is open everyday,” Emily replies, her confidence growing. Kelley just stares at her. “Please, Kell.”

”Yeah, fine. Let me go change,” Kelley relents “Come inside though, have some coffee.”

”No, I’ll wait here. Or... just come like that.” Emily nods towards what Kelley is wearing. “Just put some slides on. I’ve got a sweatshirt in the car.” Kelley looks at Emily like she’s crazy. “It’s Waffle House. They don’t care what you’re dressed like.”

”Fine. I’ll drive myself. Let me get someone’s keys.”

”Kell.” Suddenly Emily is standing next to her, only two inches taller but it feels like she’s towering over Kelley’s smaller frame, hunched in the cold. “Slides. I’m driving.” The way she says it sounds so definitive that Kelley doesn’t have the heart to argue.

Emily’s car isn’t freezing; she hasn’t been at the O’Hara’s long enough for the heat she was blasting on the drive over to wear off. But Emily tosses Kelley a sweatshirt from the backseat anyway. “BMW, huh? Pretty fancy,” Kelley remarks as she turns the sweatshirt right side out. _Of course, Emily’s fucking UVA sweatshirt._ How this thing doesn’t have holes all in it by now is beyond Kelley. But she does wonder how much of the sweatshirt was on purpose. She puts it on anyway, because she’s cold, and she doesn’t even have a bra on.

The sweatshirt choice was totally on purpose. Emily knows it was always Kelley’s favorite. She may hate UVA, but she loves that sweatshirt. Emily had felt a twinge of disappointment when she got back to their house and saw that Kelley _hadn’t_ taken it when she moved out. 

Kelley leans her head against the window as Emily drives. The cold helps to numb the headache she feels coming on. They drive in silence, save for Emily’s nervous tapping on the steering wheel, which Kelley has no way to drown out. Suddenly, she sits up. “You missed the turn Em.”

”No I didn’t. I want to go to _my_ Waffle House.” 

Great. They have an hour long drive to Marietta. On snowy roads. To get to a diner Emily knows Kelley hates. Perfect reason to wake up before 7 am on New Year’s Day. Kelley leans back against the head rest and closes her eyes. 

A second later though, her attempt to nap is interrupted. “Can we talk?” Emily sounds so timid again.

As if Kelley has a choice. She’s trapped in the car.

”About last night,” Emily starts.

”We’re not talking about last night. You apologized. You said it was a mistake. That’s it. Move on.”

There’s a long, painful silence between them. Kelley wishes she could just jump out of the car. If they weren’t on a highway, she might. But then Emily says something that makes her want to stay.

”What if it wasn’t? A mistake, I mean.”

She says it so quietly that Kelley isn’t even sure that she heard it right. Kelley looks at her, but her eyes are locked on the road and she’s chewing on the inside of her cheek - another nervous habit. 

“But you said...”

”I know what I said. But what if I was wrong about what I said?”

”You mean...”

”I don’t know what I mean. It just didn’t feel like a mistake. But I didn’t know where your head was at and I panicked, so maybe I lied.” Then after a minute, Emily adds, “You feel like home, too. And I don’t know what to do about that.”

Kelley snorts. She doesn’t mean to, it just comes out. She doesn’t have any hope for where this conversation is going. Emily glances at her, but keeps driving. “You’d have to forgive me. To do anything about it. That’s not going to happen. You fucking hate me,” Kelley shakes her head, looking back out the passenger window.

Emily takes her eyes off the road for too long, squinting at Kelley, and Kelley has to reach over and grab the wheel to keep the car in its lane. As Emily focuses back on the road and Kelley is comfortable letting go of the wheel, Emily grabs her hand and holds it over the console. Normally, she would have held it in her lap, Kelley remembers. But none of this is normal.

”I forgave you a long time ago, Kell,” Emily says sincerely. “I went to therapy. I don’t hate you at all.” And then she adds, quietly because she’s having trouble saying it, “You’re the one who has to forgive me.”

Kelley looks at Emily like she’s lost her mind. “You cheat too?” she half laughs, kind of cruelly.

“No, of course not. I wouldn’t. Ever,” Emily insists.

”Well then?”

”I wasn’t there for you. When she died. I abandoned you. I was so broken that I couldn’t be there for you. I should have been there for you, Kell. I should have. I failed you. I didn’t live up to my vows. I didn’t comfort you. I made you feel like it was all your fault. And it wasn’t. At all. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” Emily rambles. And Kelley lets her, mostly because she’s stunned and doesn’t know what to say, but now Emily’s crying.

”I hardly think that compares to what I did,” Kelley tries to comfort her.

”You’re right. It doesn’t. What I did was worse.”

”Emily Sonnett, that’s insane. Don’t say that. Don’t say it ever again.”

”It’s the truth though.” Emily looks so embarrassed, so defeated, admitting this aloud to Kelley finally.

”Goddamnit, Emily. Stop trying to be the fucking martyr. I ruined everything. I decided to cheat. Not you.” Kelley’s voice rises in frustration.

”But I led you there. If nothing else, it’s my fault too. Equally.”

Kelley looks at her, for the first time, she really studies Emily’s face. She’s got lines now in places she didn’t before. She looks tired. She’s got bags under her eyes, her skin’s not as bright. And her hand in Kelley’s is trembling. She very much means what she’s saying. “Em...” Kelley whispers.

”I didn’t even know I was lost until you found me last night,” Emily continues.

That’s exactly why Kelley had stayed away every time Utah played Atlanta since she had started coaching. It was why she only looked for Emily at a crowded party once a year, to catch a glimpse, hopefully without Emily seeing her. 

“You found me last night, in that crowd. That’s fate,” Emily continues.

”It’s not fate. In a sea of people, I always look for you, Em. I can’t help it,” Kelley explains.

”Then why aren’t you ever at any of our games. When we play each other. How come you’re not there?”

Kelley sighs. “I didn’t want to be a distraction. I wanted you to be able to play your best, not be worried about me on the sideline. I didn’t want it to be awkward.”

”It wouldn’t have been. I wanted to see you. I wanted to know you were ok.”

”You could have called. Heck, you could have just answered,” Kelley shakes her head and Emily ignores her comment.

There’s a new level of desperation in Emily’s voice when she speaks now. “I don’t know what to do, Kelley. I can’t unlove you, but my heart won’t unbreak. I’ve tried. So hard. To move on, to heal. But no one else is _you_. I had a really great girlfriend. Like she was perfect, but I couldn’t love her. I couldn’t settle down with her. And I can’t figure out if it’s because I didn’t give her all of myself because I’m afraid of getting hurt again, or if it’s really just because I’m still in love with you, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I was ok. I thought I was ok. But I’m not ok without you and I don’t know how to be ok _with_ you. You broke me.”

”You’re not broken, Emily. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

”Yes I am, we both are. That’s why you haven’t dated either.”

Kelley just ignores her. She hasn’t dated because no one will ever be Emily.

Emily sighs a heavy sigh as they get out of the car, leaving a puff of breath in the freezing air. She holds the door open for Kelley, lightly touches Kelley’s back as they enter, waits for Kelley to sit before she sits, orders Kelley’s drink - a black coffee, a glass of warm whole milk, and an extra mug. It’s the closest Kelley can get to a cortado at Waffle House. But Kelley declines to order any food.

”Why aren’t you eating?” Emily sounds concerned.

”You know I don’t like this place. I don’t know why we’re here. You could have just had breakfast at my house.” 

”Well I like it. And I haven’t come in a long time,” Emily retorts.

 _Strange_ , Kelley thinks. Emily lives in Atlanta. She could come _all_ the time. 

Emily reads her mind. “I’ve had trouble finding joy in things without you,” she explains. 

”Even Waffle House?” Kelley raises her eyebrows and Emily nods with a little half-laugh.

Emily’s food is delivered. Two fried eggs, bacon, ham, sausage, hashbrowns, grits, and a huge waffle. Kelley rolls her eyes, but within a few minutes, she’s picking at Emily’s plate, stealing bites of her grits and hashbrowns, just like she used to. 

”Can you hurry up and eat all that artery-clogging shit so we can start in on this waffle?” Kelley jokes, bringing a real grin to Emily’s face. It’s the first time she’s seen that smile and that dimple in three years, and it absolutely melts her.

Emily douses the waffle in syrup, cuts it in half and pushes it towards Kelley. “I thought you hated this place.” There’s a sparkle in her eyes as she says it.

”Shut up, Sonnett,” Kelley grumbles through a mouthful of waffle, drenched in way too much syrup.

 _Leave it to fucking Waffle House to help make things ok between us,_ Kelley can’t help but think.

When they finish, Emily pays. She opens the door again, opens Kelley’s car door, rubs Kelley’s frozen hands in hers as they wait for the car to warm up. It _feels_ like a date. And Kelley says so. Out loud. Because at this point, she has no fucks left to give and they’re either going to make it work or their not. But it won’t get any worse than what it’s been for the past three years.

Kelley’s revelation causes Emily to blush. “Maybe it was a date,” she admits. “Wanna go for a walk downtown? I heard it’s pretty at this time of year.”

”No, idiot. It’s fucking freezing degrees.” 

Yep, kinda feels like old times. 

“Well what are we gonna do then?” Emily asks.

”Dunno. This is your date.”

They sit there in awkward silence for a long time, things still far from normal between them. “I can’t date you, Kell. I can’t start over with you. Can’t go back to square one.”

Kelley looks at her. They’re really going to have this conversation in a Waffle House parking lot. 

“I know you too well to just date you. But I feel like I don’t know you well enough to trust you again.”

“Look, Emily,” Kelley says, letting out a heavy breath. “There are a lot of things in life I’m uncertain about, but there are two things I’m absolutely sure of. One of them is that I’d never cheat on you again. It was a shitstorm of circumstances that led me to that place. The loss, the alcohol. It wasn’t about love or sex. It was about comfort. It was about feeling human again. But I’ve been sober for almost 3 years. Your mom took me to my first meeting.”

“I didn’t know that,” Emily mumbles. “She never told me.”

“Anyway, don’t say you can’t trust me. I’d never do that again. I’m not that person anymore.”

“Well what’s the other. The thing that you’re certain of?” Emily asks.

“That I’ve never stopped loving you, and I never will. I’m absolutely certain of that. You’ve always been it for me. That’s what I meant when I said I’m not broken. I haven’t dated anyone else because I don’t want to. I don’t feel broken. Not anymore. Now, it’s just a fact of life. No one will ever replace you, so I’m not going to bother trying. I love _you_.”

The emphasis on the word you, not love, hits Emily in the heart. She leans in, waits for Kelley to meet her halfway, places the softest kiss possible on Kelley’s lips. Kelley’s lips set her stomach on fire, and Emily keeps kissing them, like she may never have another opportunity to, like she has three years of time to make up for. Because she does.

Kelley won’t touch her, too afraid after what happened when she touched Emily’s face last night. But it doesn’t stop Emily from pulling Kelley’s face in with her hands. And as she continues kissing Kelley, tugging at her bottom lip, flicking her tongue across Kelley’s lips until they part, Emily lets go of all of her trepidation. Because if she can’t unlove Kelley, then she might as well stop trying. 

”What are we doing, Em?” Kelley finally pulls away. She needs to know. Maybe she doesn’t have the right to know after what she did, but she doesn’t think her heart can handle falling for Emily just to be broken all over again. 

“Let’s go for a ride,” is all Emily says. But she holds Kelley’s hand in her lap, and she rubs it with her thumb.

They drive in silence for awhile before Emily breaks it again. “Did you really try to get Lindsey to date me after we broke up?”

”Yeah,” Kelley says, like it’s nothing. “Figured if we weren’t meant to be, you and Horan were for sure.”

”She’s straight, Kelley.”

”Or closeted. Whatever,” Kelley says dismissively.

”She’s married.”

”I heard.”

”It’s a mess - their marriage. She’s not happy. He’s such a dick to her.” Emily sounds sad.

”So go proclaim your love for her. Go save her.”

”Kelley!”

Kelley just shrugs and looks out the window again. 

”You don’t have to be jealous of Lindsey, you know. You don’t have to be jealous of anyone. You’re it for me too. Always have been.” She turns the car down an all-too-familiar street, causing Kelley to sit up a little straighter and pull her hand out of Emily’s. 

”I’m not jealous of Lindsey, I just want you to be happy.” And then Kelley pauses “What are we doing here?” They’re parked in front of their old house.

”The family that lives there, their lease is up in February,” Emily says softly. 

”You didn’t sell it.”

”I couldn’t. We were supposed to grow old here.” 

“We can’t...” Kelley starts.

”We could,” Emily interrupts.

”I’m flying back to Salt Lake City in two days. My job is there.” Kelley doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do with this. Can’t wrap her head around it.

”You could stay?” Emily suggests, but it comes out more like a question.

”And then what? It’s a World Cup year. Just sit around and twiddle my thumbs while you’re at camps and games and everywhere but here? I found a purpose for my life. Finally. I’m good at coaching.” Kelley’s getting frustrated again.

”I didn’t get called into camp.” Saying those words are hard for Emily. Not as hard as admitting that she was the reason why Kelley cheated, but still hard.

”What? How’s that even possible?” Kelley is shocked. She’s seen every NWSL defender play for the past couple of seasons. She knows Emily is still good.

”I’m 33. I’m not as sharp as I used to be. I’m not going to another World Cup.”

”But...”

”It’s fine. I have two World Cup wins and two Olympic golds. I couldn’t have asked for a better career.” There’s a hint of wistfulness in Emily’s voice, but she mostly means it.

”But you’re not _retiring_ retiring,” Kelley wants to know.

”No, but if I’m not allocated, it would be a whole heck of a lot easier to work a trade out.”

”To Utah? I’m _not_ coaching your dumb ass.”

”Well if you want to come back here, you can. But if you don’t, if you want to keep coaching... well some people say I’m pretty good. You’d be lucky to have me,” Emily says with just a bit of cockiness.

”And some people don’t know how fucking stubborn you are,” Kelley shoots back.

”I will have you know that I have never been accused of being uncoachable. Except maybe in the bedroom. I may not be very coachable there,” Emily jokes.

”You never needed any coaching in that arena. But your defending? _That_ needs some work. You forget, I’ve been watching your film for years.” Emily shrugs. “What would we do with this place? I mean, what would you do?” Kelley asks. It’s starting to feel like maybe this is really real.

”We could keep it, move back in the off-seasons. Move back for real when I retire,” Emily suggests.

”What about Utah?”

”I thought you hated the desert.”

”It’s a lot more than just desert. It’s beautiful, really. I just never gave it a chance before. It’s a great place. It would be a great place to raise...” Kelley wants to kick herself for even starting that sentence. It was just too easy to fall back into what life with Emily could be, what it was _supposed_ to be. 

”You know, when I found out I was done with the national team, I started looking into Atlanta’s foster-to-adopt program. Figured I finally had the time,” Emily admits, not wanting Kelley to feel bad for what she insinuated. 

”You still want to be a mom?”

”I’m already a mom, Kell. So are you. I’m just ready for another child. I mean, not right now, but eventually.” There’s a tenderness to Emily’s voice now.

”With or without me?” Kelley knows she shouldn’t ask. But she has to know.

”With. I hope.” Emily squeezes her hand.

”But definitely not right now,” Kelley jumps in. “We’d have to get married again, they don’t let unmarried couples foster to adopt.”

”Well then I guess eventually we might have to get married again. But it’s your turn to propose next time.”

 _Next time._ Emily thinks there could be a next time.

It’s all too much, too fast. But at the same time, it’s not. ”Emily, we cant talk like this...”

”Why not? This is what I meant when I said, I can’t just start over with you.”

“Well if you can’t date me, then what are you planning on doing?” Kelley asks.

”Loving you. Like I was supposed to all those years ago.” Emily’s looking at her, holding eye contact. She thought after all these years that kind of focus would be uncomfortable, but familiarity trumps everything else.

”It’s not that easy,” Kelley says, tears in her eyes.

”It could be. It was always easy with us.”

”Until it wasn’t.”

”Until it wasn’t,” Emily agrees. “But before that? You said you wanted to fuck me; we started having sex. You said you loved me; I loved you back. I asked you to marry me; you said yes. Why do we have to overthink this?”

”Because we hurt each other.”

”Do you forgive me?” Emily asks.

”Of course I do,” Kelley replies, as if that’s the stupidest question in the world.

”Good, I forgive you too. Do you still love me?”

”I already told you I do.”

”I’m still in love with you too,” Emily says.

”It’s not supposed to be this easy, Em.”

”Maybe that’s what’s wrong with everybody in this world. Maybe we always try to make it more complicated than it should ever be. Maybe all that matters is love. Maybe that’s all that ever mattered. Maybe if I understood that, I wouldn’t have let you suffer like that. I wouldn’t have told you to leave. Maybe I finally figured it out. I’m sorry it took me so long.” Now it’s Emily on the verge of tears again.

”Will you just stop apologizing?” Kelley begs.

”No, I need to apologize.”

”No, you need to kiss me. And then you need to get out of here because this family is going to think it’s strange that we’re parked outside their house.”

”Our house,” Emily corrects her. “We could go to my condo?”

”And then what? Are you going to drive me all the way back home?” Kelley asks.

The conversation is familiar. Like their hands. Like their lips. 

”I could. Or you could have a look around. See if you want to stay. You know, until March? Maybe give me an idea of what to list it for?” Emily says tentatively.

”I can’t stay here until the off-season starts,” Kelley insists.

”You could.”

”And you’re not moving to Utah,” she adds.

”I might. Unless you’re afraid that you can’t handle me,” Emily says with a wink and a slight smirk.

”Baby, I’ve always been able to handle you.”

Kelley leans over the console, wraps her hands behind Emily’s neck, plays with those little golden flyaway curls, and kisses her. Hard. Like she’s never going to stop kissing Emily for as long as she lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m done! Like I finally finished one! I’m so bad about starting a bunch and spreading myself too thin, but I did it! (Only because this one had a very specific time frame, otherwise, we’d still be waiting.) Thanks for following along!
> 
> Also, I left room for an update, in the future, if anyone decides they want one eventually.


End file.
